Another New Beginning

This is a very hard post to write. I don't want to write this, I don't want to say this about myself. However, I think that confession is good for the soul. I think that I need to say this. I feel like I have been hiding behind this for a really long time and I don't like that. I need to change and I am going to need some accountability. 


I confess that I am very lazy, in a lot of areas of my life. I would like to sit here and tell you that I just procrastinate but that's not the case, I'm just lazy and it has to stop. It is causing me a great amount of pain, both physically and emotionally and it all really hit home for me last night.


I am a nurse, I just started a new job this week at a small hospital nearby. I LOVE IT!!!! I am so happy there, I am going to have a great experience and it will be invaluable. That being said, being on my feet for 12 hours nearly literally pushed me to my limit physically. This is because I'm fat. I'm fat because I'm lazy. I don't really overeat, I don't really eat a bunch of junk. I'm just lazy. Period. However, that all ends as of Monday. 


I have some things in my life that I have to change, some of them physical, some of them emotional. I'm not looking for perfection, just some change. All of it will be positive, but it is going to take some time. It all amounts to stopping my laziness and fear. I thought I had dealt with my fear but apparently not all of it. So, I have to start dealing with it...again. I can't really figure out what made it all happen, like it has but I am changing it. 


I'm going to start a journey to get healthier, not just physically, but emotionally. First of all, I have to get healthy physically. I have to start eating healthy and working out. Obviously, I have to start small, I can't do everything all at once but small changes will be the starting point. The first thing I'm doing is giving up coke, all of it. I'm not giving up caffeine, I'm not crazy but coke isn't just caffeine, it's sugar and empty calories. It's just not good for anyone and I don't want to drink it anymore. I want to start with that, and making better choices when I eat. I don't know about eating less, necessarily, just better foods.


Next, I'm going to start working out. Obviously, I have to start slowly and maybe just work out two or three days a week. I don't know if I can stand to work out when I'm working but I maybe need to, if I can. I'm just going to have to figure that out. There's a wellness center at work that I can use while I'm there, when I decide that I can.


So it's a start, I'm not perfect and I can't do it all at once but I'm going to take it one day at a time...

PYHO: New Beginnings all around

There are lots of new beginnings around me lately. Several couples I know have split up, some are currently splitting up. I have a new job and a new nephew. There are lots of new beginnings. Some of them are good, some of them are bad. All of them are new beginnings though and there is opportunity in each one of them.


Most people are of the opinion that divorce is a bad thing unless there was abuse involved and I tend to disagree. That isn't to say that I am a proponent of divorce but I don't think that I have the right to tell other people what to do, plus, I can't decide what's best for someone else. I can have all sorts of thoughts and opinions on the subject but I still can't make the decision for them. Ultimately, if both parties come out of the divorce and become better people, how can I say that it wasn't the right thing for them? I used to be very judgmental about divorce, I thought that there was never a reason to get a divorce unless someone was being abused. My thoughts have changed fairly dramatically on that subject. I think that there are lots of reasons that people use to get divorced and some of them are wrong. I think that goes back to the fact that some people get married for the wrong reasons or go into the marriage with the attitude of, "we can just get a divorce if it doesn't work". I think that attitude sets them up for failure. I think that is a very wrong way of thinking. Getting married is a commitment that shouldn't be taken lightly, ever. However, I think that if the marriage was a mistake to begin with then divorce might be the only way to resolve the mistake. That isn't the case for all marriages but I don't think that you should just "learn to live with" the mistake. Sometimes changes need to be made, sometimes divorce is that change. I just don't feel like I have a right to judge someone for their decision. 


All of that being said, I think that people need to think very long and hard before they get married. I think that they need to think long and hard before they get a divorce. Whatever their decision though, especially if they're family, I think that you have to support them. By supporting them, you are not condoning their decision, you are just being there for them and allowing them to cry on your shoulder if they need to. I think this is the same as teen pregnancy. Obviously, I don't condone teen sex but if my daughter came to me and said she was pregnant, I would support her. I would guide her and help her make decisions but I wouldn't make them for her, because I don't know what's best for her, she does. (Some of you may think I'm crazy, but trust me, I'm not, I've just seen the devastating consequences of parents making decisions for their teenagers.) Ultimately, I am not responsible for other people's decisions so I need to support them, they have to answer for their decisions, I don't. I have to answer for my actions and decisions so I need to focus on myself, in that respect.


I think what all of this boils down to is that I am really tired of people being so caught up in what everyone else is doing. If it doesn't involve you, why does it matter so much to you? Mind your own business, worry about your life. None of us are perfect and being judgmental and hateful about someone else's decision does nothing but hurt you.


I didn't really intend for my post to end up being this...I was going to talk about new beginnings, but this is where my heart really was today.

A New Start

Tomorrow is Monday, it's a new week, a new beginning, a new start. I have some goals that I'm starting on...again. It seems like things are starting again, or that I'm getting a new start. I start my new job, with my new career, next Monday and I'm stoked. I'm so ready to move on with this next chapter of my life. 


Since I'm starting a new job, I think I need to have a new me. I'm going to hop on the change bandwagon and stay on this time. Obviously, I'm not perfect and I know that I'll fall off the wagon but I am determined to change for real this time. I want to make it permanent, I want to be better than who I am now. I am determined to make these changes stick...I know it won't be easy but I'm determined to do it.


First of all, I am determined to get healthy. This involves a diet change, weight loss, and an attitude makeover. I think that I am going to do the HCG diet for one cycle to jump start my weight loss. Then I am going to make good food choices and work out. I want to do this the right way, not the easy way. I realize that the HCG might be considered the "easy" way but I only get 500 calories a day so I don't think that will be easy!!! I want to figure out a sort of healthy way to do it, if I can. I'm not 100% sold on it though, I just don't know if I have that kind of will power. I'm going to consult a dietician first to see about how to do it and make the "most" of it...if there is such a thing.


The attitude makeover has to do with the way I handle stress. I'm not great at it. I tend to lose it sometimes. Those who know me well, know how I am. It's something I want to change though, I need to be able to handle stress a little more gracefully. I tend to get angry about things that I have no control over and it's something that I need to work on. I don't let things get to me at work, I tend to take it home with me and deal with it there, which isn't the way to do it. I need to have the courage to handle things as they are thrown at me. If someone is irritating me, then I need to handle it with them, instead of waiting until I get home or yelling at someone as I'm driving home. That doesn't solve anything. I'm not afraid of confrontation, unless I'm at work. I tend to "defer" to other people at work, which is not how I am at home...so I want to be the same person, just better. It's something that will take work everyday. However, I have made up my mind and that makes it somewhat easier. I will have to make a conscious effort to do this and I am determined to make it happen.


So, as I start this new chapter of my life, I am essentially starting new. I am chalking up all my past "mistakes" to learning experiences and I am moving forward. I am excited for this new beginning.

Friday Confessional...on Saturday because that's how I roll!!!

I confess that I am lazy. I got a job on the 21st but haven't taken the time to blog about it because I'm taking a break before starting to work. Ok, I'm really just lazy but at least I told you guys...eventually. I will be starting on August 8th and I am super stoked!!! 


I confess that the physical I had to take before starting to work nearly killed me. I thought I was going to be out of commission for a week. My thighs have NEVER hurt this bad and trust me, I have worked myself out pretty hardcore before. However, it has been a while since I worked out and needless to say, my quads were a little angry with me after all was said and done. So, I have to get my rear to the gym so that I don't die at work...seriously.


I confess that I have just been pretty lazy these last few days. I need to get it in gear. I have to get my house cleaned before I start work but I just haven't done it. It's a tad overwhelming but it must be done. I'm sure that once I finish I will feel better about it. I have to take this one task at a time. So I have a plan...and I will let you know how it turns out.


I confess that I am in the mood for a little retail therapy. However, I lack the cash to be able to do it. So I have been stalking eBay for the last few days. I did buy a new cover for my iPhone. It's awesome!!! It's purple and blingy, you just can't get any better than that.


I confess that I am super excited to be going to play golf at the crack of dawn with the hubs tomorrow. I've never played "real" golf before so we'll see how I do. I figure that I won't do well but I plan to have fun anyway. We're going to play in Angelfire in September so I need to start playing so I'll at least have some idea of what I'm doing.


I confess that I am sitting here freezing my behind off but I am just too lazy to reach over and get the blanket to cover up with...too much effort.


I confess that I have run out of things to say so I'm going to stop now...

Maybe it is me

Armand: Al, you old son of a bitch! How ya doin'? How do you feel about that call today? I mean the Dolphins! Fourth-and-three play on their 30 yard line with only 34 seconds to go!
Albert: How do you think I feel? Betrayed, bewildered...

I'm kind of at a loss right now. I'm pretty numb...it would be nice to feel some pain right now but I don't. Usually that quote makes me laugh, but not today. I got a little bit of a blow to my self-esteem today. Well, it was more like a huge slap in the face than a blow. The way I'm feeling is a little scary because usually I'm either upset or mad and I just feel nothing. I don't know what that means, I'm a fairly emotional person and I've got nothing for this situation.

I went and spoke to the assistant HR director at one of the hospitals here because the recruiter let me know that my references were unfavorable. The lady I spoke with today said that I was rated "low to medium-low". I was shocked and hurt. Obviously, I know that I am not the perfect employee but I figured I was a favorable one. Perhaps not. I think the thing that hurt the most was that two of the references are people that I consider my friends. I didn't expect them to lie but if they didn't think that I'm qualified for the position it's something that I would have liked to have known before now.

So now I'm terrified to go to my interview Monday...I'm afraid that maybe I'm not what they're looking for. I thought I was but I guess I'm not. I'm just really at a loss...

PYHO: I just can't figure it out...

I know it's not me. I'm a good person, far from perfect, but I'm not intrinsically bad so I don't understand why I'm being continually "punished" or at least that's how it seems. I feel like no matter what I do, I can't win for losing and it's starting to get to me. I don't know what else I can do either. I have done everything that I can figure out how to do anything else that helps. 


I've even gone so far as to have a different "job" until a real "job" comes along. I'm cleaning house, doing laundry, blogging, talking to my friends, trying to carry on with "normalcy" but it's not working. I found out today that I won't be working this Sunday due to who knows what at this point. I feel like I'm always the one that gets shafted in that position. I don't get it, I say, every single time I talk to my boss on the phone that I want to work Sundays, every Sunday until I get another job and then I get screwed. Of course, that has some to do with another person there who feels like she's entitled to all the hours. She works 5 days a week, I used to work 2, now I work 1. I understand, I'm not going to be there forever, and that has never been a secret. I don't feel like I should be punished for it though. Sometimes I feel like I should confront "The Entitled One" but I know that won't help anything. 


So I really don't know what else to do. I'm just tired of feeling this way. 

I'm still waiting...

Well, I didn't get the internship at UMC dangit. Oh well, apparently that isn't "my job" so I still have to wait. This waiting game is starting to suck though. I know that I'm going to "win" this game eventually but I'm growing incredibly impatient. Nothing new for those of you who know me well...it's just not a big shocker. However, I am trying to be patient and I guess I'm doing okay with it. 


I am up for a job right now but I can't reveal too many details in case anyone I know IRL is reading this. It's just one of those things that I'm not quite ready to share with everyone in my life...I'll explain later if I get the job. If I do, it will be totally exciting though and will be what I wanted!!! So, here's hoping!!!


Anyway, one of my IRL friends started a blog today and I think it will be incredible. Check her out here. She's funny and articulate and I think the blog will be very enjoyable. Also, her kids say the funniest things...she posts them on her facebook and I usually literally laugh out loud!!!


Anyway, I just wanted to say that I'm still waiting and waiting...I'm like the opposite of the Engergizer Bunny...