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This is a very hard post to write. I don't want to write this, I don't want to say this about myself. However, I think that confession is good for the soul. I think that I need to say this. I feel like I have been hiding behind this for a really long time and I don't like that. I need to change and I am going to need some accountability.
I confess that I am very lazy, in a lot of areas of my life. I would like to sit here and tell you that I just procrastinate but that's not the case, I'm just lazy and it has to stop. It is causing me a great amount of pain, both physically and emotionally and it all really hit home for me last night.
I am a nurse, I just started a new job this week at a small hospital nearby. I LOVE IT!!!! I am so happy there, I am going to have a great experience and it will be invaluable. That being said, being on my feet for 12 hours nearly literally pushed me to my limit physically. This is because I'm fat. I'm fat because I'm lazy. I don't really overeat, I don't really eat a bunch of junk. I'm just lazy. Period. However, that all ends as of Monday.
I have some things in my life that I have to change, some of them physical, some of them emotional. I'm not looking for perfection, just some change. All of it will be positive, but it is going to take some time. It all amounts to stopping my laziness and fear. I thought I had dealt with my fear but apparently not all of it. So, I have to start dealing with it...again. I can't really figure out what made it all happen, like it has but I am changing it.
I'm going to start a journey to get healthier, not just physically, but emotionally. First of all, I have to get healthy physically. I have to start eating healthy and working out. Obviously, I have to start small, I can't do everything all at once but small changes will be the starting point. The first thing I'm doing is giving up coke, all of it. I'm not giving up caffeine, I'm not crazy but coke isn't just caffeine, it's sugar and empty calories. It's just not good for anyone and I don't want to drink it anymore. I want to start with that, and making better choices when I eat. I don't know about eating less, necessarily, just better foods.
Next, I'm going to start working out. Obviously, I have to start slowly and maybe just work out two or three days a week. I don't know if I can stand to work out when I'm working but I maybe need to, if I can. I'm just going to have to figure that out. There's a wellness center at work that I can use while I'm there, when I decide that I can.
So it's a start, I'm not perfect and I can't do it all at once but I'm going to take it one day at a time...
There are lots of new beginnings around me lately. Several couples I know have split up, some are currently splitting up. I have a new job and a new nephew. There are lots of new beginnings. Some of them are good, some of them are bad. All of them are new beginnings though and there is opportunity in each one of them.
Most people are of the opinion that divorce is a bad thing unless there was abuse involved and I tend to disagree. That isn't to say that I am a proponent of divorce but I don't think that I have the right to tell other people what to do, plus, I can't decide what's best for someone else. I can have all sorts of thoughts and opinions on the subject but I still can't make the decision for them. Ultimately, if both parties come out of the divorce and become better people, how can I say that it wasn't the right thing for them? I used to be very judgmental about divorce, I thought that there was never a reason to get a divorce unless someone was being abused. My thoughts have changed fairly dramatically on that subject. I think that there are lots of reasons that people use to get divorced and some of them are wrong. I think that goes back to the fact that some people get married for the wrong reasons or go into the marriage with the attitude of, "we can just get a divorce if it doesn't work". I think that attitude sets them up for failure. I think that is a very wrong way of thinking. Getting married is a commitment that shouldn't be taken lightly, ever. However, I think that if the marriage was a mistake to begin with then divorce might be the only way to resolve the mistake. That isn't the case for all marriages but I don't think that you should just "learn to live with" the mistake. Sometimes changes need to be made, sometimes divorce is that change. I just don't feel like I have a right to judge someone for their decision.
All of that being said, I think that people need to think very long and hard before they get married. I think that they need to think long and hard before they get a divorce. Whatever their decision though, especially if they're family, I think that you have to support them. By supporting them, you are not condoning their decision, you are just being there for them and allowing them to cry on your shoulder if they need to. I think this is the same as teen pregnancy. Obviously, I don't condone teen sex but if my daughter came to me and said she was pregnant, I would support her. I would guide her and help her make decisions but I wouldn't make them for her, because I don't know what's best for her, she does. (Some of you may think I'm crazy, but trust me, I'm not, I've just seen the devastating consequences of parents making decisions for their teenagers.) Ultimately, I am not responsible for other people's decisions so I need to support them, they have to answer for their decisions, I don't. I have to answer for my actions and decisions so I need to focus on myself, in that respect.
I think what all of this boils down to is that I am really tired of people being so caught up in what everyone else is doing. If it doesn't involve you, why does it matter so much to you? Mind your own business, worry about your life. None of us are perfect and being judgmental and hateful about someone else's decision does nothing but hurt you.
I didn't really intend for my post to end up being this...I was going to talk about new beginnings, but this is where my heart really was today.
