PYHO--a solution to my "problem"

I love talking...I tend to work a lot of things out that way. I was whining earlier about the very things that I was blogging about and then I said, "Well, I put myself in that role (of counselor) and I like it so I need to learn how to deal with it". So, problem solved...mostly. It's just that I get frustrated when I'm saying the same thing over and over and doing the same things over and over and getting no results. I guess that's the definition of insanity right? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results...so perhaps I'm insane! ;) It's all good though, it's what I choose and I have to accept that responsibility. Which also helps with my previous PYHO post and the person in my life that I have to "confront"...I have put myself in a certain role there and I allow things to progress a certain way so I have to fix it but this person has to be a part of it too because they have allowed themselves to be put in the opposite role of mine so we have to fix it together! :)

Ok, I just wanted to say all of that! Thanks for reading and staying with me! :) Have a great rest of the week!!!

Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday

Sometimes I wonder about myself...I tend to attract people that are "needy" and I can't really figure out why I keep letting this happen. Don't misunderstand, I like to help people and I enjoy it but I get really frustrated when they "won't" let me help them. I have two friends that are specifically this way. One of them, her husband tells her that I am a bad influence and not to talk to me because I call him out on his crap. That's just how I am, I'm gonna tell you if you're full of it. Plus, I feel like we all need to have a little personal responsibility and not blame our "problems" on a disease or meds, we still have some control...so use it!!!  I take responsibility for my crap, even though I don't want to so I think that he needs to also. You know? The worst part is that this friend is an amazing person who has enough on her plate without his stuff too, she is physically handicapped but he uses that to his advantage and that irritates me beyond belief. I guess the worst part is that I'm not even sure that he really loves her and she deserves better. I could go on and on about it but I won't.

My other friend is someone that I'm just not sure I know how to help...it's almost like she's a lost soul. We were really close for about eight years and then we just stopped talking. I think that I made her mad and her boyfriend at the time was feeding her all kinds of crap about me. He was just that way, very slick and slimy and able to convince you that he was right. She has a lot going on right now and has just made a very big change in her life. She is in the process of getting divorced and has moved and started a new job, all of which are very stressful. That is compounded with the fact that she has some issues from her childhood that carry over into adulthood...I have some of these same issues so I know where she's coming from. It's a process to work through and it's not easy to do and it affects every aspect of your life. So there's all of that...and it just makes things that much harder.

I guess it frustrates me that I feel like I have to fix their problems. I don't, I have my own issues, but I can't stop myself, it comes natural to me. I have always been the "counselor" in my friendships and relationships. I guess I let it overwhelm me so I have to figure out how to keep it in check. That's where I'm having the problem, I tend to think about things and talk about things repeatedly until I come up with an acceptable solution. That's how I problem solve and there's nothing wrong with that but it can overtake other aspects of my life...see, it's just a vicious cycle. Of course, knowing that I am that way is helpful because now I know how to work on it...but retraining the brain is a big pain in the butt!!! I like the instant gratification and that doesn't happen with this sort of thing, that's just not how it works, which could be part of my frustration. So I just have to keep working on it, like all the other things I want to work on...at the end of this next year, I could be nearly perfect if I get it all under control!!! LOL!!! Yeah right and if you believe that, I have some ocean front property in Arizona that I'll sell you for cheap! ;)

So, everyone go link up with Shell and pour your heart out!!!!

Post-It-Note-Tuesday

Monday Minute

1. Who is your "what-if" person?
(What-if person being what if I married this person or am now in a relationship with "this" person)

My what-if person is the guy that I dated right before I met the hubs. I thought I was going to marry him. I suppose that I would have traveled the world with him...I can't remember where all he went but he's not as attractive as he once was but I guess that I would still find him incredibly attractive...I don't know. He has a really cute little boy and seems to be very happy so I wouldn't want to take that away. I think that everything happens for a reason and I am happy with my hubs!!!

2. What is your nickname?
The hubs calls me "babe" and my brother used to call me "sissy" but he just calls me Sarah now...so I don't really have one anymore. I did have one friend that called me "shorty" though. She was 5'5" and I'm 6'! ;)

3. If you could choose how you died, how would you like to die?
I want to die in my sleep at an old age after having lived a full and fulfilling life.

4. If you could have named yourself, which name would you have picked?
LOL...I tried to change my name a lot when I was little. Two of the names were "Lisa" and "Summer Roses"...don't ask, I don't know. I was four...

5. Who were you named after or for what reason did your parents choose your name?
My first name is after my mom's best friend from college, her mom. My middle name is after my maternal grandmother. I would have been William Stanton if I'd been a boy.

PYHO--A day late but I decided to put on my big girl panties and write it

I have to have a confrontation with someone in my life and it literally makes me want to throw up just thinking about it. This is someone who's fairly close to me and it may cause a major meltdown and I just don't want to do it but I have to. I don't necessarily shy away from confrontation, especially when someone is hurting themselves or people around them, I could do an intervention if I had to but this is one of those things that I fear will blow up in my face. I'm afraid that this could cause a major rift between some people who are very important to me. I don't want that...at all, ever but I am deathly afraid that this will happen. I'm deliberately avoiding details to try to depersonalize it, even though I can't truly do that.

There is a person in my life who for some reason or another just flat out doesn't like me. That, in and of itself, doesn't bother me so much. I do wish that this "competition" between us could be resolved but I don't know if it will. I wish that this person and I could be best friends because of our situation but I don't see that happening and it sucks. Period. I know that I could have done something to this person to make them not like me. I don't think that I have and I have talked it over repeatedly with the people that surround this person and myself to see if we can collectively come up with anything but nothing ever comes up. Obviously, I am not perfect, not even close and I do not judge this person. I'll admit that it hurts my feelings that I am disliked but I can learn to live with that. It's just that this dislike carries over to everyone around me, including my family and I can't stand for that anymore. My biggest fear is that it will carry over to my children once I have them and I will not stand for that. So this has to happen now and soon but...I am scared.

This is not really an issue that I ever worried about growing up. I knew that there would be people who didn't like me but I never thought that it could hit this close to home. I didn't think that everything would always be hunky dory and that everyone around me would love me and that we would all just get along...but I also thought that the people who didn't like me would be adult enough to not let that bleed out around other people. This person is not that way. We had a confrontation not too long ago in front of a large group of people, a confrontation that I thought was going to end up in a fist fight. I would never start a fist fight with this person but I have been threatened twice. I don't believe that physical violence is the answer, especially in this particular situation, but I don't think this person feels the same way. I don't know for sure. I guess that's why I'm having such a hard time figuring out how to deal with this and what exactly I need to say. I want to approach this in a very sensitive and loving manner. I do not want to be accusatory and ugly about it, that will definitely not get the problem solved, but at the same time, I do have to point out some particular issues that this person has and that may go over like a lead balloon. None of us like to hear our faults so this will be no different. That is not to say that this person is totally at fault because I'm sure that isn't the case. I am far from perfect and I am not afraid or ashamed to admit that. However, because I am unsure of exactly what caused this situation, I am unsure of exactly how to approach it, which is a major part of the problem. The other problem is that I am unsure of this person's reaction, no matter how I approach this issue and that is hard for me too. I have never really had a person in my life before that I just didn't know how to deal with. I have never felt "damned if you, damned if you don't" before. I don't really know where to even start. I do know that I have let this go on for far too long and that it needs to be solved. I am willing to do pretty much anything to fix it. Obviously, there are things that I am unwilling to do because it would be unreasonable or idiotic but I might get close to the line of idiocracy or unreasonability. (Yes, I just made that word up thank you!) I think the other thing that scares me is that it might not be solvable and that this person will try to make it an all-inclusive issue and I don't think that things will swing their way. That may sound conceited and I don't mean it that way but I just think that things are more likely to go in my favor...but I could be way off base. I am very saddened by the fact that this person thinks that they have the popularity vote when clearly they don't...but from their point of view, they do...I guess. I don't really know. Maybe that's the other thing that's scary...I might get "voted off the island" and I'm not sure how I would feel about that. I don't want the other person to get "voted off" either but, truth be told, that may be what happens...I just don't know.

I guess the most obvious thing here is that I have a lot of fear related to this issue...I just know that it will be tough. I also know that it could cause huge major problems and a huge major rift and I don't want that, at all. I am going to have to choose my words very carefully but my other fear is that no matter how I say this, this other person will get defensive and go off on me...which in and of itself will be a huge issue. I am fine with being yelled at, screamed at or just flat out ignored but if this person were to resort to physical violence I will have to involve the police. I don't want to do that but I don't feel that there will be any other option if that is the case. Things would just escalate from there so the very thought of that is overwhelming.

I'm really hoping that this person will respond well to what I have to say and perhaps I should give them the benefit of the doubt. I'm having a hard time though because that hasn't worked out in the past. There's a first time for everything though and this could be the bonding experience that I've always wished for.

Post-It-Note-Tuesday

Monday Minute

What's your real name?
Sarah
 
Have you ever fabricated a story or anything on your blog?  
Nope...no point


When in the car do you listen to the radio/CDs/iPod/etc?
Either the radio or the iPhone/iPod
 
Describe the 'sexiest' item of clothing that you own
It's a silky short and cami set that has a Dallas Cowboys background
 
Would you be willing to breastfeed your friend's three year old child?
No but that's because I think three year olds are too old to be breast fed.

GTKY Sunday

*wanna play..copy the questions..answer them..then come back here and link up*

The Questions~
1. If you had to choose a country to live in besides USA (or the country you live in), which would it be?
Italy...without a doubt!!!
2. Which would be worse, wearing flip flops in the snow or wearing gloves in the summer?
Gloves in the summer
3. Fried or Bake and why?
Baked because it's healthier and tasty
4. If you were an entertainment reporter, which celeb would you love to interview and why?
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson because he's smokin' hott...funny and sexy!!!!
5. What was your favorite book as a preteen/teenager?
Say Goodnight Gracie by Julie Reece Deaver...still one of my all time fave books!!!
6. List your top 3 guilty pleasure television shows.
The Hills, Sex&the City & American Justice
7. What bumper sticker slogan best describes you/your attitude/your life?
Horn broken, watch for finger...LOL
8. If you were to join a circus - what performer would you be?
The trapeze artist or the elephant rider

PYHO

There is something that I totally want to blog about but can't because there is a possibility that the incident that I want to blog about could cause problems in my life, personally, and I just can't have that. I guess that I could go ahead and say what I want to say but I figure this is something that I need to address in person.

So, today I will talk about something else...or I will try. This thing is weighing so heavily on me that I would love to share it with my bloggy friends so that I can get your opinion...but I can't. So, I'll blog about something else, once I figure out what I want to blog about. I have pretty much told everything the last two weeks of PYHO. So, I'll blog about things we can't say. (I guess I'm stealing Shell's idea here) There are times when I would like to say exactly what I am thinking. There are people who make me want to unleash a fury of words that are terrible and hurtful and yet, I don't. Sometimes I wonder if it would really do as much damage as I think it would. I sometimes think that we're better off just saying what we think. Obviously you have to be tactful and not say things you can't take back but I also believe that sometimes we just need to tell the truth, even if it hurts. That's sort of the situation I found myself in that I mentioned above. The only problem is, if I had said exactly what I was thinking then, I'm afraid that it would have lead to a physical altercation. That's not something that I am interested in. I don't think that physical violence solves anything, especially between adults. I fear that if I say what I want to say, to a specific person in my life...that will be the result. I would never initiate it but the other party probably would. It's been threatened twice previously so I don't know that it wouldn't happen. I wouldn't continue it or return the violence but the outcome for the other party would be battery charges because I refuse to tolerate that kind of behavior. I don't know...I would like to think that it wouldn't happen but I'm not that optimistic. This person has very erratic behavior so I never know what to expect. I tend to expect the worst but until this last incident I have been very pleasantly surprised. However, this is an issue that will tend to affect my future and my future children. The hostility is okay when it's directed at me but I will not tolerate that kind of behavior being directed at my children. I don't know, sometimes I feel like if I say what I'm thinking, no matter how I say it, even in a nonconfrontational way, it will cause conflict. However, I know that something has to be said...now I just have to figure out how to say it!

Post-It-Note-Tuesday

Monday Minute

1. Can you burp the ABC's?
Probably but I haven't tried in quite a while and I don't know if I can do it in one burp! LOL

2. So lets just say you have a 9+ hour drive ahead of you would you consider wearing Depends so you didn't have to stop multiple times?
No because that's just gross...I can hover thank you!!!
 
3. Would you rather...run your tongue down five feet of a NYC street or press your tongue into a strangers nostril?
Although they're both pretty gross give me a nostril over a street.
 
4. If you had an envelope that contained the date you would die would you open it?
I would probably try to talk myself out of it but yeah, I would.
 
5. Which one song describes your sex life best?
"Closer" by Nine Inch Nails ;)

GTKY Sunday

Go link up with MannLand5 & play along!

The Questions..

1. What is YOUR definition of sexy?

Besides Edward and Jacob...sexy is confidence and attitude

2. Would you rather clean up puke or change a poopy diaper?
Poopy diaper...no question

3. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
Extrovert...for sure
 
4. If you had to give up one of your 5 senses for a year..which one would you give up?
I would have to say sight because you can "see" with your other senses.
 
5. Cake or Pie?
Cake usually but I like em' both!
 
6. If you could play any character on TV (old or current) who would you play?
Melinda Gordon on Ghost Whisperer
 
7. My favorite website is.....?
Facebook and blogger
 
8. The highlight of my day is....?
When the hubs gets home from work!!!

A few more because I'm on a roll...LOL

On a lighter note...

 

Friday Follow and Confessional (Disclaimer: some sadness here)

I am joining up with the Friday Follow because I want blog followers, I'm kind of vain in that way, I'll confess. Plus, I love to read other people's blogs and for them to read mine.

Now, on to my confessional. I confess that today I am having a bit of trouble counting my blessings. I have an amazing husband who supports me, even in this madness of nursing school. He is even willing to move to a town he doesn't like so that I can get a bachelor's degree from Texas Tech University. (FYI, he's never lived in Lubbock so how he knows he doesn't like it I don't know but that's what he says!) Anyway, he is just awesome and I am blessed to have him in my life.

I also have an amazing family who supports me in everything that I do. They are awesome and I couldn't have asked for a better support system than what I have. I include my "in-laws" in that too. I don't consider them to be my in-laws, I just consider them my second family. That's how awesome they truly are. I am so blessed by them. I have told my mom and pop "in-law" that I couldn't have done better if I'd sent out applications, and it's true, they are awesome.

Then I have an amazing set of friends, some new, some old but all awesome! They are all supportive of me as well...so why the down attitude? Why am I having trouble counting my blessings??? Well, there's something that I want, really badly, and usually, I have it all under control and it doesn't bother me but for some reason, it does today. I hate it. I wish that I could make it go away but it doesn't. Most of the time all is well and good but then this stupid issue goes and rears it's ugly head and just ruins everything. Yeah, by the end of the day or even the end of this blog I may feel fine but I don't right now...and it sucks. I really truly want to have children and at this point, I don't even care if they're "biological" or not. I definitely want biological children but I want to adopt as well. You see, I have been diagnosed with "infertility". Now, my "problem" is an easy fix but since I'm in nursing school and don't have health insurance, it's not something that I can "fix" right now. Usually, this is not a big deal. I graduate with my associate degree in nursing next May and I will take state boards and then be a registered nurse, so the "fix" isn't far off but today it seems like it's an eternity. I'm 33, which isn't old by any stretch of the imagination but when we start "trying" again, I'll be 34 which is borderline "old" from the medical standpoint. I will be considered high risk anyway most likely. I don't want that label, I just want a baby, of my own. I want my own child to start with and then we are planning to adopt. We are going to try for "our own" for about two years after graduation and then if we don't have a baby, we'll move on to adoption. I figure that we shouldn't have any problem getting pregnant with help, there's no indication that I can't carry a baby to term so we'll see. I truly believe that once this whole plan gets going then we'll be able to get pregnant, I just don't know how long it will take. Having been down this road once before, several years ago, I don't know how much of it I'll be up for. It's absolutely devastating to have a procedure and then not end up pregnant. Luckily, I am not doing in vitro fertilization (IVF), I can do the intrauterine insemination (IUI) and that should be successful. It's just that I don't know how many times I'll have to do it before it "takes" and I don't know how much of it I can take. I have faith that I am supposed to have children of my own...but I don't know if I am able to wait on God's timing...I mean, I'm 33 right? I know that I don't have control over this whole situation and I firmly believe that all things happen for a reason...but that really isn't helpful right now. I just wish that I could get some kind of "sign" that everything will work out the way I want it to...even though it may not. I'm sorry that this post is so depressing but it's how I feel today. I don't always feel this way, usually I'm pretty upbeat and happy and like I say, by the end of today I'll be feeling better or possibly sooner than that. I just wish that I could control my emotions sometimes. The worst part of the whole thing is, I never know what will set it off. Today it was Facebook. I was looking at pictures of a pregnant woman and reading the comments and it hit me...and it sucks. Don't misunderstand, I am ecstatic for that woman, it sounds like she was having a hard time getting pregnant and I am happy, truly happy for her. I've been there, for twelve years now. I know exactly what she went through. The first five or so years were the hardest because that was the stage where it seemed like EVERYONE was pregnant or had a baby. Now, for the most part, I'm pretty happy-go-lucky about it and am starting to feel better even as I type this. Yet, I have this incredible ache in my heart and my arms even feel heavy. I don't like to feel this way, I feel as though I'm letting everyone, including myself, down, when I feel this way and yet I have no control over it. Maybe that's the worst part is the loss of control. I'll confess, I'm a control freak and yet, this is something that I can do absolutely nothing...it's a lesson that it took a long time for me to learn. If I am supposed to have a baby then I will, regardless of what I do or don't do. God shows me this all the time and sometimes I choose to ignore it or disregard it. I know that it's an issue where God is in control because I have seen people get pregnant when it should have been impossible. My hubby and I know a couple that he had a vasectomy and her tubes were tied and she still got pregnant!!! Tell me that's not a miracle and a divine intervention.

The downside to all of this though, is that I may not be supposed to have children, maybe I am supposed to take care of other people's children. I am going into the medical field, first as a nurse, then as a nurse practitioner. I am planning on being a family nurse practitioner because I get to see everyone, the whole family! However, I have my pediatrics class next semester so that could change everything. I had my OB rotation last semester and my favorite part of that was newborn nursery. It was amazing and hard but in spite of my feelings, I loved it! I have always loved children and wanted children. There was a time in my life that I thought that I was supposed to be a stay at home mom (SAHM) but I really don't feel like that is my true calling. I have been blessed with the ability to be a medical professional and so I'm on that track. I finally feel like I am fulfilling my destiny...but there's still this big question. Babies or no babies? I don't know but I guess we'll see eventually. Thanks for listening/reading and I hope you have a blessed and fulfilled Friday!

Holy Cannoli Batman!!!

I am so behind on reading blogs it's ridiculous...and I don't have an excuse, I've been out of school for nearly a week!!! I don't know what the deal is although Blogger is being kind of weird, my blog keeps showing up on my blogroll. I don't follow myself, that would be redundant!!! I'm gonna get caught up though...eventually.

In other news, the hubs had to dump my computer because I'm a dummy and downloaded a virus. Obviously it wasn't intentional, I was trying to get museum dollars for my Treasure Madness game on Facebook but I got a virus along with whatever I downloaded. So, no more downloading stupid game toolbars for me!!! The upside to this was that I finally got to update my iPhone to OS 4.0!!! It's pretty cool but the sad thing is, I have three game folders. Yeah, three...I put my iPhone to good use!!! I gotta have something to do other than read blogs all day, right? :)

I am missing this music post that someone used to do. I have been listening to "You Can Call Me Al" by Paul Simon nonstop for the last two days. I've also been watching the video on youtube. Chevy Chase is in the video and it is hilarious...I laughed so hard I cried! I remember watching the video, back in the day, on MTV when they actually showed videos and played music. Heck, I remember when MTV started...and now it's all shows. Even VH1 is all shows practically, it's so weird. Hello, MTV stands for MUSIC television, but perhaps they forgot!!! I don't know, things are so different these days as far as tv and music go. Anyway, Paul Simon took me back to that, the good 'ole days. One of my other favorite videos from that time is "Take On Me" by Aha because it starts out real, goes to cartoon format and then ends up real, if I remember correctly. That's always been one of my favorite videos.

The other song that I am obsessed with lately is "Mad" by Ne-Yo. I have been alternating between him and Paul Simon...strange, I know but that's how my taste in music is!!! I like it all from Mozart to Metallica. What I listen to usually depends on my mood...I guess. The hubs and I haven't been fighting so I don't know why "Mad" is a fave but it is. I'm gonna have to put it on my phone so I can listen to it. I love to sing it at the top of my lungs when I'm in the car. People driving by me must think I'm crazy! I don't care though. I love to sing and I have a fairly decent voice, or so I've been told. Besides, my dogs don't howl when I sing so it can't be that bad! ;)

I'm going to have to stop this post...Blogger or my computer is being weird and it's getting on my nerves. I should get back to my blogroll anyway, there's a ton more to read!!! Have a good rest of the night everyone! :)

Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday

I sometimes worry about the field that I have chosen for my career. I am going into the medical field. My ultimate goal is to be a family nurse practitioner. Right now I am in school getting a two year registered nurse (RN) degree. I love it. I am where I am supposed to be, but I still worry. The whole universal health care conundrum scares me to death. It's not that I am totally opposed to everyone having access to good, affordable health care by any means, I just don't know what it means for me. I am worried that it will have a huge effect on my salary. That sounds very selfish but I don't mean it that way. I just want to have a successful career where I make good money. I don't think that I need to be a multimillionaire or anything like that, I just want to be comfortable. I want to be able to pay my bills without thinking twice. I want to be able to shop, within reason, whenever I want and things like that. I am afraid that this whole universal health care bill will cause me to not be able to make that kind of money. So I guess it is selfish but is it wrong for me to want to be successful? I don't want to be successful at the expense of other people but the medical field is a business just like any other business, it needs to make money. Granted, there should be more nonprofits in the medical field but there aren't. I think that everyone deserves to have quality, affordable health care when they need it. I would be willing to work with people if I had my own practice, but I won't because I don't want that hassle. I want to be in a group where I don't have to be on call all the time and have some time off. It's just something that I think about.

Another issue that I have with the universal health care bill is the cuts that are being made to the Medicare hospice benefits. That just flat out makes me angry. I worked for hospice for about a year and a half and it is one of the best programs out there as far as medicine is concerned. I think that the whole of medicine could learn a lesson from hospice. Hospice is a place where people are dying, it is very sad but yet, it is a time of joy. It's very hard to explain unless you've been a part of a hospice experience but, for the most part, people who have been would recommend it. Of course you have your naysayers, ones who have had bad experiences but I would imagine that the majority would say it's a good thing. I think that people have a right to die with dignity. I think that quality of life is just as important at the end of life as it is at any other time in a person's life. Of course, quality of life is a huge issue in hospice, at least a good hospice. The goal is to give the patient the best quality of life as their life comes to an end. It involves every facet of a person's life. It involves the family as well. It's just an amazing thing that is being cut because it's "unnecessary". Well, I disagree. It's not perfect but the blessing that it allows families to have shouldn't be cut. I don't know what the answer is but cutting the already minimal benefits isn't the answer!!!

I don't know what the answer to the universal health care plan is. I believe that it can be a great benefit but just like our welfare system, there will be people who "work the system" and I think that there should be enormous consequences for them. I think my biggest fear is how it will be legislated because there's a lot of moral issues involved with health care and that is always very personal to people. It's personal to me. I don't know, it seems like there's not an easy answer. If you had asked me before I took my mental health class this summer then I would have said I was all for it except for people who don't have a job, or refuse to get one but, there's a portion of those people who are unable to keep a job due to mental illness. I think that those people deserve to have good health care too. It's an issue where there are no easy answers. I believe that if you are truly unable to work then you should be able to have quality, affordable health care. However, if you choose not to work then the hell with you. The key word here is CHOOSE. There are people out there who think that our government should support them, I disagree. Granted, at the moment, I am "living" off the government, sort of but I still work some and make money. I am just getting student loans so that I have help paying my bills. I am also going to look for at least a part-time job so that I have some steady income coming in. I can't be someone who doesn't contribute to society in any way, I just don't believe in that. See, it's just a tough issue. The problem is weeding out the people who are just trying to take advantage...it's imperfect, as is the screening or weeding out process for the welfare system. Again, I don't have all the answers I just think that we should be very careful when doling out our money for health care. I just wish there was an easy answer....

Post-It-Note-Tuesday

*sigh*

Well, the summer semester is officially over as of Friday!!! Woohoo!!! I ended up with a "B" in my class which I am pretty proud of. I think a "B" in nursing school is acceptable. I could probably get "As" but I am not willing to put in that much time and effort. That may sound bad, but it's true. I don't think that grades necessarily reflect my ability as a nurse, they're just grades. I do think that you have to have a background or a base knowledge of health and disease to be a good and/or effective nurse. However, I know that you can never fully understand the human body and/or disease. I took "Mental Health" this summer and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I learned more about myself than I thought possible. Some of it was good, some of it was not but all of it was helpful. I learned about things that really made me sad, diseases that have no cure and can't be controlled, even with medications. I am not necessarily just a proponent of drugs, I think that there are other ways to treat conditions but I also understand that some conditions just require medication. This is the way I think about it: I don't take a pill every time that my head hurts but if I need a pill, then I will take it. If I have had a headache all day, tried everything else, then I'll take ibuprofen usually. I don't like to take medication but I do take heartburn pills on a regular basis. I wish I didn't have to but they're the only pills that control my heartburn. I do not want to ever have to take something such as cholesterol medication or antidepressants. I don't want to have the side effects of these medications, however, if I needed them, then I would take them. I am totally on board for trying other methods than medications prior to taking medications. If taking fish oil controls your cholesterol along with diet and exercise, then by all means, take it. If your cholesterol remains uncontrolled though, why not try cholesterol medication? Is that really any more dangerous than getting in your car and driving to work? I don't think so. Everyone takes risks in their daily lives and yet, medication and the medical profession in general, when they reveal a treatment that is ineffective or side effects of medication, they are essentially blackballed. It really frustrates me. Medical professionals are people too, they make mistakes, unfortunately, those mistakes can cost people their lives but why are they more culpable than someone else? Engineers have peoples lives in their hands every day too as they build bridges and buildings and yet, they are not mistrusted and looked at as people who are just trying to make money and people be damned. I am not saying that there are not sorry people in the medical profession, there are but are they any worse than people in any other profession? What makes the medical profession so much worse than all the others? Most people don't go into the medical profession because they want to make money, this is an extremely tough profession that is very physically, socially and emotionally demanding. Most of us that go into this profession want to help people, all people. Yes, we have biases, prejudices and judgments about certain people and situations but we're people too. Why are we not afforded the same rights as every other person when it comes to that? I admit, I am judgmental about certain things but if I were treating a patient who had made a decision that I disagreed with, I would treat them the same way that I would treat my mother. I don't have to agree with what they have done but at the heart of the matter, they are people and deserve to be treated as people. I would even extend this courtesy to prisoners. I don't agree with the prisoners choices or with people who choose to do drugs but I have never been in their shoes. I don't know for sure that I might not have made the same decisions that they made had I been walking at their shoes when they made their decision. I would like to think that I wouldn't kill someone or harm someone or steal something or do drugs but the reality is, I've never been in a situation that would call for that. I have never been forced to choose between my life and someone else's and I can assure you that in a situation where it's my life or someone else's, I choose me. Tell me that you wouldn't do the same. I know that you would, instinctively, we choose ourselves over others, especially when it's our life. Now, if I had a child and I had to choose between myself and my child, I would choose my child, most likely...but it's all circumstantial so I can't say with 100% certainty that I would choose me or the child. Situations force us to make decisions under duress and sometimes we make the wrong choice but there are chemicals in our bodies that cause us to make choices that we might not normally make. I don't say all of that to say that I am not responsible for the choices I make, I am definitely responsible for my choices. If I choose to take someone's life, then I have to take responsibility for that action, period. Now, if they are trying to kill me or my family and I choose to kill them instead, then it's self-defense but I still took that person's life. I still have to live with my decision to take their life and pay the consequences for it. I don't know that prison is the right punishment but then again, I did take a life so that will probably be up to a jury. I feel like medicine is the same way. First of all, it is not an exact science. I wish that it was, I wish that I could just wave a magic wand and cure disease but I can't, I don't have that capability. I can help restore people to their health but if I give you a medication that has unpleasant side effects then that makes me a bad person. Why? I don't understand. I am trying to help you, I am trying to restore your health or keep you alive but I'm the bad guy for trying to help you. I hate that stigma, I do, I feel that it's unwarranted. My underlying motive is to help so why does that make me a bad person?