PYHO: Eat and enjoy

I have just started reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert and I think it is fabulous!!! I read the first section, about Italy, tonight and decided that I was supposed to have been born Italian. First of all, I absolutely cannot talk without gesturing. It's true, ask my friends, I even nod my head when I'm blogging. I also LOVE to eat. However, I think that I haven't truly enjoyed food like the Italians do so I am going to learn to do that. I also love the idea of "il bel far niente" or "the beauty of doing nothing". This is not something that I, as an American am terribly accustomed to. However, I do find that in the sweet solitude of the mountains, it is easier to do. Whenever we lived in Colorado, this was easy to do because there was nothing better than sitting on our back porch, talking til all hours of the night or drinking coffee and watching the sunrise. And let me tell you, the sunrise and sunsets were AMAZING!!! I can only imagine what they might be like in Italy. I'm planning a trip there, as soon as I can afford it. The problem being, how long do I stay? I can tell from reading and from research that I've done that Italy is something that one cannot possibly even begin to experience in a week or two. It takes several months. That being said, I don't have the resources to move overseas so I guess I'll have to experience it in waves. But experience it, I will!!! 


So I have decided that I am going to concentrate on enjoying life in July this year. I am going to enjoy my husband, my family, my friends, my dogs and my blog. I am going to "suck the marrow" to quote one of my favorite bloggers. For more of this fabulousness, go here. There is so much life in this blog that it is unreal. I am going to model my life after that, if not on that grand of a scale. I think that you will enjoy reading Kelle's blog and looking at her fabulous pictures! The lesson here is to enjoy life as it is...and that is what I am going to strive to do in the month of July!


Anyway, have a fabulous night and I am going to my fabulous bed because my fabuous self is exhausted!!!

Holding pattern...

I feel like I'm in a holding pattern...I graduated, passed boards and I don't have a job yet. It's like I'm just waiting and it's something that I'm not good at. Never have been. Being patient is just not my strong suit and yet, I know the right job is out there but I have to wait for it. I'm trying not to get depressed or bitter and I'm not really either, I just don't really know how I feel and that's strange. It's not good or bad, just different. Perhaps I'm learning how to be patient. (It's only taken me 34 years...lol) 


I don't like this whole waiting game though. I'm just ready to be working. I have student loans that need to be paid, bills that are piling up and it seems that all would be settled if I could just get a job and yet, I'm happy. I'm sitting here in my cold living room (cold is good, it's been in the triple digits lately) with my cat snuggled up against my back. I'm listening to my Summertime mix on Pandora and they are playing good song after good song!!! They should call this Sarah's mix! So I'm happy, I just don't want to be in this holding pattern.


I feel like whatever job I get is going to be awesome. I know that it's going to be the job that I'm supposed to have and that I will love it. I just want it now. So, I'm trying to be patient! I'm doing better at it than I usually do. I'd usually be thoroughly irritated by now but I'm not. I'm more determined than I ever have been...which is new too. I guess this whole experience has given me a new outlook on life. I'm starting to see the positives more and handling things better. I still want to be hired tomorrow though...but I'll wait, until the right thing comes along!!!

So...

I've been thinking a lot about being a nurse and what that means that I am now a member of a profession. It's kind of crazy but all the social networking sites and different things have made me think about what I put out there for people to read. It's not that I never thought about it in the past, it just wouldn't have really affected anything then. A recruiter at one of our illustrious hospitals here told one of my friends that he looked at her facebook page and that she parties too much so they couldn't hire her. However, the pictures that he was looking at were from either a birthday party or New Year's but there was only one bottle on the table...I'm sorry, how is that partying too hard??? Ironically enough, she saw him the next weekend at one of the bars trashed, so who's a hypocrite now??? I just get tired of that kind of crap. So, my facebook is private and I don't ever use myspace so I think I need to just delete that...but still, it makes me think, do they really have a right to check how I spend my free time? I'm completely aware of my responsibilities as a nurse but I don't necessarily see what it has to do with my private life.


We have two hospitals here in our town. They each have their own set of "standards". One of them doesn't "allow" their employees to smoke. I don't really think they have a right to make that call but they actually test for tobacco! Granted, I don't smoke and it's not my favorite thing and I wish people didn't do it but I don't think that anyone has the right to tell them that they can't, ever. I think that's a personal choice. This same hospital also gives a bonus for being under a certain weight...really? I'm all about people being healthy and granted, right now I'm overweight but I think that might be going too far. I have applied for a job at said hospital and now I'm starting to think about everything that I do. I think twice about what I'm wearing when I leave the house and about everything that I post. I had made my blog private and then I changed it because I feel like this should be my outlet to say whatever I want and not have someone, especially an employer, judge me for it. Then I realized, I'm going to be judged for something so I guess my blog isn't the worst thing to be judged for...and if it costs me a job then perhaps that wasn't the place for me to begin with. 


I don't know, it's just something that has really been weighing on me. I see the world very differently now that I am a professional. Is that normal??? I'm not second guessing my choice to be a nurse at all, it's confirmed to me on a daily basis that this profession is where I belong. I think twice about everything that I do though...so I guess that's just how it will be. 

PYHO: It's not a contest!

I was on Facebook the other day, looking at a friend's video that he had posted for Father's Day. It was sort of a mess but he's young and not terribly computer literate. Heck, neither am I for that matter. Anyway, the video was blurry and you could barely hear him and his sister posted some really ugly comments and I commented for her to stop being mean. These two compete for EVERYTHING!!! To the point of being downright annoying. They're great kids but they've been taught that they're in a competition for everything. I used to work with them and I remember saying repeatedly, "It's not a contest"! They said that in their house, it was. It made me sad.


I started thinking about that and realized that I tend to look at life that way. But, "It's not a contest"! I'm not the tallest, shortest, skinniest, fattest, smartest or dumbest, I'm just me. That should be good enough, but, until the other day, I didn't think so. I competed with the world, even in my car. I wanted to be first. However, having a Ricky Bobby mentality made me a little crazy so I decided to stop. Obviously, this is going to be something that I have to make up my mind to do every day. It will have to be a very conscious decision. I'm also going to need to reconcile a few things in my mind to be able to allow for this change, but it's happening. 


I don't really know why I'm so competitive but I definitely am. Even at meaningless board games, I don't like to lose and sometimes I act the fool. I've gotten better about it as I've gotten older but I realized that part of that is because I expect myself to be perfect. Why??? I have no idea but it's going to make me old before my time so I'm stopping that. I have to realize that, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me"! I know, I just quoted Stuart Smalley but hey, he had the right idea. I have to stop beating myself up over different aspects of myself that I don't like.


For instance, my weight. I hate being fat. So I have to do something about it. I have to drink more water, eat more veggies and lean meat. I have to have some balance in what I eat and drink. However, no more beating myself up over it. Yep, I'm fat, but I'm not going to stay that way. I'm going to make it a point to go to the gym at least 3-4 times a week. I'm going to get back down to a size 14. Of course, I need a job so that I can afford my gym membership but that's going to happen eventually too.


I have to stop beating myself over the head with the fact that I don't have a job yet. Apparently, I'm not the only one in this boat! Several of my friends from school don't have jobs either and there's not really any good reason why. I've redone my resume and am going to start applying again. I also have my registered nurse license and that should be a big help. I'm going to have 3 of my instructors write me a recommendation letter along with some of the doctors that I've worked with in the past. Then I'll look like the stellar employee that I am!!!


So, there it is. I'm going to be me and be happy with me!!! Have a great rest of the week and weekend all!!! :)

Miscellany Monday

I take boards on Wednesday. Oddly enough, after being nauseated every time I thought about it up until Sunday, I'm not nervous! What's the worst that could happen? I fail...then I fail. I mean, it would suck in the sense that I would lose my GN (graduate nurse) permit and not be able to work but I don't expect that to happen. Granted, I will freak out if the computer shuts off at 75 questions, which is what will probably happen but I'm at peace with it. Most of the people who went to my school get the 75 questions which means you clearly passed or clearly failed. Scary!!! What's worse is, I have to wait TWO DAYS to get my results and that will feel like a lifetime!!! I plan to spend the two days at my parent's house so that I can be distracted!!!


The hub's grandma is not really doing better. She's out of the hospital but apparently she's not eating...grr!!! I guess she went back to the nursing home on a liquid diet...YUCK!!! I told my father-in-law to tell them to put her on a soft diet so she could at least have real food. Then he said she threw up jello so I said to put her on the BRAT diet. (Bananas, rice, applesauce and dry toast) I know that she will eventually really go downhill but I didn't expect it to come on so suddenly!!!


I know this is random but I am listening to Pandora and my Pink radio station and they are playing the best mix ever!!! I was reading Kelle Hampton's blog and she was talking about LFO's "Summer Girls" which is one of my favorite songs of all times...love it!!! Here's the link to the song. It rocks...trust me!!!

All of a sudden I am really sleepy!!! It has been so HOT lately it's ridiculous!!! I didn't go outside much today but the short amount of time I was outside drained me!!! I am ready to move back to Colorado where it NEVER gets this hot!!! You know they say that Texas is hotter than hell...above is the proof!!!


I just watched the LFO video and I had to laugh because that is seriously the most random song ever...Here's another random song that I like, even though I'm a little ashamed to admit it!!! ;)

Waiting for the other shoe to drop...

I'm getting this distinct feeling that something bad is about to happen. It almost feels like I'm doomed since nothing bad really happened to me while I was in nursing school and karma is out to get me because of that. During nursing school, whenever anything bad would happen, everyone would say, "If it's going to happen, it's going to happen while you're in nursing school". I was grateful that nothing did happen to me...but now I feel like I'm going to pay for it, and I don't really know why.


I'm not really a pessimist but I just can't shake this feeling. I've got a lot going on right now and I take state boards in four days...which totally freaks me out. It makes me feel like I'm going to fail boards but that's nothing compared to what's coming after that. It almost feels like I'm going to lose someone close to me and I don't like this feeling!!! It's not fear though, I'm not afraid that something bad is going to happen, I just feel like it is. 


I wish whatever it is would get on with it. I don't want to have to deal with anything bad but really, I'd rather it just happen so that I can get on with my life...if I can, depending on what happens...


I just hate feeling this way...

Update on PYHO

Well, hub's grandma is much better. When we talked to the doctor yesterday, he said that she might no longer be hospice appropriate for now. Obviously, with the dementia, she will eventually need to be on hospice if she doesn't get back in the same shape that she was when they sent her to the hospital this time. She was severely dehydrated...so much so that it caused her to be in acute renal failure, which really just ticks me off. She is bedridden at the moment because she has a fractured pelvis so she can't get up to the dining room like she used to. She had actually gone up two sizes in her clothes because she was eating so well. However, after she fractured her pelvis, things just went downhill. She is/was the picture of neglect which is very very hard for me. The nursing home that she currently lives in is rated really badly by the medical community. It's because of their medical director. First of all, he doesn't believe in hospice, that says a lot to me. Hospice is a wonderful place. It's a philosophy of care that involves quality of life, not quantity of treatment. I was a hospice skeptic until I worked for hospice and then I saw what a ministry it really is. It touches families at the end of a life, which is just as important as the beginning of life. It's an amazing place to work. Yes, it can be very sad but it is amazingly fulfilling. I was amazed by it and I am involved with the different community things that they do as I can. Next weekend, I'm going to Sky Camp which is a bereavement camp for kids. I helped out the summer before last and it was incredible. 


Anyway, this post was mainly to say that hub's grandma is better! I appreciate your kind words!!! Have a great weekend!!!

Pour Your Heart Out: I don't know what to do...

I feel like I should do something about the hub's grandma. She fell and fractured her pelvis and is now in the hospital, doing very poorly. The doctor is recommending hospice, which I agree with, but not everyone does. The nurse from the nursing home said that they have recommended hospice for 4 out of the last 5 patients that they have sent to the hospital. I figured that the doctors would say that, I think it may be time...I just don't know how to convince them.

"Hospice is where they kill them slowly and don't feed them". This is what the hubs uncle said. Clearly, he knows nothing about hospice...because that is not at all what they do. I worked for a hospice for 2 years and trust me, we did feed our patients, as long as they could eat. We gave them medicine to stimulate their appetite. However, as the body shuts down, it no longer requires food, it's shunting the blood to the heart, lungs and brain. Nothing else matters and the body knows this. That's why the hands and feet get cold, they stop getting blood supply. That's how the body was designed to shut down. This is a very natural process.

Trust me, this is not what I would choose, if there were a better alternative, but there isn't. The truth of the matter is that this boils down to quality, not quantity, of life. That is the hospice philosophy, not to kill patients. Hospice does NOT equal assisted suicide. It's not even close to the same thing. People do go to hospice for end of life care. They are given morphine to help with their pain. They may become addicted to the morphine, but does that really matter? If someone has a terminal disease, do they not have the right to have their pain controlled?

Now for the matter of morphine. Yes, sometimes, the morphine does cause their respirations to stop but that isn't the intention when it's given. The doctors and nurses watch the patients very carefully and try to titrate the morphine to control the pain. Sometimes, the morphine does give the patient enough relief to let go, but not always. If the patient has "unfinished business", they usually need some kind of confirmation from their family that it's okay to let go. They need to hear that, they have a right to hear that. Granted, I don't want to ever have to say those words again but I may. Hub's grandma told me today that she saw Jesus and that she wanted to go with him. I told her it was okay for her to go and then I told my father-in-law that he needed to tell her too.

It breaks my heart to have to say that to her...I don't want her to die. Even more so, I don't want her to suffer and live with pain. I want her to be happy and not hurting. I want her to have quality of life, which she did, until she fell and fractured her pelvis. If I could rewind the clock, I would. It just doesn't work that way. I wish that it did, but it doesn't. Plus, it's not my call. I don't get to decide who lives and dies and when it happens. All I can do is facilitate comfort and dignity, even in death.

I know this is very heavy stuff but it's what's on my mind and in my heart. I know that hospice is the right choice for her. It's not my decision to make though. I don't know how to tell them that it is. This doctor that is making that recommendation was very nice and very good. He gave me his personal cell phone number and told me to call him with any questions or concerns. Perhaps he can convince them...but we will see.

I just wish I knew what to say...

PYHO--There's always something...

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This is a great way to get things off your chest, if you're interested, go link up with Shell and pour your heart out! Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)

Yesterday, I went and bought some new clothes. Well, they were new to me but I bought them from someone on Craigslist. I was looking for capris and none of them fit...which sucks. I have been losing weight and that just let me down.

This morning, I finally got an email back from the hospital that I'm wanting to work for and my references aren't the shining references I expected. That really bummed me out, even though I appreciated the recruiter being honest with me. It hurt my feelings too because when I speak to these references, they always speak really highly of me so I'm a little confused.

Wow...I hate when blogger screws up, it really annoys me!!! Anyway, yesterday, my boss essentially called me a liar. It made me really mad. I may be a lot of things but I am not a liar. The worst part of it is, she gets mad when I tell the truth. It's one of those damned if I don't, damned if I do situations and it's very frustrating. The worst part of it is, the one who suffers is my patient, which is hard for me. Sometimes when she makes me mad, I want to tell her all the things that she is doing that are just wrong but I don't. Some would say that I don't understand because I don't have to deal with the things that she does, however, I can assure you, I would do things differently. I wouldn't consider my family an "obligation" and those are her words, not mine. Don't misunderstand, I understand that families are not perfect and there are situations that I might think differently in but this is not one of those. Taking care of a family member when they can't take care of themselves isn't an "obligation", it's a responsibility. That, to me, is a huge difference. It's essentially taking care of someone with special needs who is physically, mentally and emotionally unable to care for themselves. They didn't choose to be this way, and while it is a difficult responsibility and it isn't what we would choose, we have to do the right thing in this situation and she does not. The majority of the time, she doesn't. She's a control freak to a fault. Don't misunderstand, I'm far from perfect in that area but I don't think that I am more important than other people. I treat everyone as a person and I want to do the best that I can, this is part of what drove me to become a nurse. I believe that everyone deserves the very best treatment regardless of who they are or what they've done. That being said, I choose not to work in certain places, such as a prison, because I don't feel like that is the right situation for me. However, if I have to care for a prisoner in my nursing career, they will get the same care as anyone else that I ever take care of. Sure, they've made poor choices and I may not necessarily like them but they still deserve to receive the best care that I can give and that's what they'll get. This is not the situation that I work in now. It makes me very sad and angry. However, I can't change the situation so I will continue to voice my opinion and do the right thing and hope that I can facilitate some change.

But, I digress...I say all of this to say, that there's always something going on that I don't like or that I don't want to deal with. However, there's always a bright side. Ultimately, I'm going to have a job as a nurse and I will be helping people!!! I'm in that process, which is always tough, but I know that I am going to land where I am supposed to be. I will take that experience and get the most that I can from it. Obviously, it won't be perfect but then again, there's always something! :) Have a great Wednesday everyone!!!