Pour Your Heart Out

So, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I have been thinking about lots of things. Mostly about finances but other things too. School, babies, life...it's such a jumble. I am really tired right now so this might be a little discombobulated...especially since it took about five minutes for me to come up with the word discombobulated!!! LOL!!! I didn't get a lot of sleep last night due to working. I am taking care of two hospice patients, a husband and wife and the husband is total care. It is a very sad case. He requires medication every two hours along with other care. This is why I didn't get but maybe an hour of sleep last night.

I also had to take a test at school this morning. I did well regardless of no sleep!!! I made an 85. The upside is that I will get four points on my next test, I think it's four, it might be two, again, lack of sleep is dictating a lot of this so sorry I'm so disorganized. Anyway, I came home and took about a two hour nap. Now I have to study for a test and write two papers. This whole writing papers bit is getting old. I enjoy "writing" but not for school. The research part isn't so bad but the actual writing of the paper sucks. We have to use APA format which I HATE!!! The thing that I find strange is that we, as nursing students, are using the American Psychology Association format. I don't like it, it's very complicated and annoying. Plus, I'm not getting a degree in English, I'm getting my RN. I'm not saying that it's not important to be able to communicate through the written word but I don't have a problem there. I may not be the most articulate person on the planet but I can communicate effectively. I have taken English 1301 and 1302 as per the graduate plan. I had to write papers for those classes...I think I've done my school writing. I found out that I have to write another paper next semester...ugh!!! I'll get them done but I don't have to like it...and I won't. I'll just complain about it to my faithful readers.


Anyway, I digress. I have been thinking a lot about my/our current financial situation...and I don't like it. We do not make good choices when it comes to our money. We act like teenagers with no responsibilities. It's beyond ridiculous and I am tired of it. Right now, we don't make tons of money because I don't work full time. I do work some but it's only 22 hours a week and I'm not always timely turning in my paperwork to my actual job. That generally works to my benefit though because my checks are bigger...but still, I need to be more responsible about turning in my paperwork on time. My husband makes decent money but we have a lot of bills. Some of them are by choice, like our cell phones and internet and some, obviously, are not. You have to pay water, electricity and gas whether you like it or not. We also have two car payments and a loan payment which are all three optional. I will probably have a car payment forever, by choice. However, I can have that if I can gain financial control, I mean WHEN I/we gain financial control.


We have to take control of our finances before I start making good money or we will be in debt up to our eyeballs quickly. I don't want that. I don't want to owe my life to someone else. I want to be able to buy what I need without having to figure out what to give up or what bill to put off. Granted, some of this is poor spending habits which is another thing that we have to gain control of. The impulse spending has got to stop. I will have a pretty good amount of debt when I graduate from student loans. I wish that I didn't have those but unfortunately, that was my best option. I will start paying on them as soon as I get a job after graduation because obviously, I can't make payments if I don't make money.


The other issue is we have to get on a budget and stick to it. This will be difficult because we like to spend money. We are very immature when it comes to our money, something that is a little puzzling to me. I'll admit, I didn't have great role modeling when it came to money issues but it seems as though that should be something that is logical and easily controlled. I mean, it should be as simple as, "I don't need that"...but that doesn't seem to be enough for us. I don't think there is anything wrong with spending money on things that you like to do, if you like to go to the movies, go to the movies. You don't have to go every night, but once or twice a month should be satisfactory. If not, perhaps a dollar movie or a discount theater. There's always the option of staying home and watching Netflix. I think maybe what our problem is has more to do with impulsiveness and laziness. The laziness part has to do with us going out to eat instead of eating at home. There's just the two of us and it's extremely hard for either of us to cook for two. Granted, he does more cooking than I do because I'm not a great cook and it's overwhelming to me. This is something that I am going to have to work on because obviously, once we have kids, we can't be going out to eat every night...even to McDonald's. I'm talking about the money issue and the health issue. I don't even want my kids to EVER eat McDonald's but realistically, it will probably happen. It just doesn't have to happen often. That's a whole other issue though. We're concentrating on finances here.


So, I've said all of this to say that big financial changes are on the horizon. We are going to have to figure things out. Obviously, we will have to sit down and discuss all of this, and we have, to an extent. We just have to commit to it. Sometimes it's about making up your mind and then you become successful. The more you tell yourself something, you will start to believe it. My first statement of affirmation is, "I will gain financial control BEFORE I graduate from nursing school"! :) Have a great Wednesday everyone!

Post-It-Note Tuesday!!!

Pour Your Heart Out

Please grab the button for your post and link up!

Be sure to check out some of the links- you will find some amazing stories out there.

Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)

I'm on a roll today...three posts in one day. Ok, technically it will be tomorrow in eight minutes but still. So, this post is where I am going to pour my heart out, thanks to Shell who started this lovely idea! 

Marriage seems to be the topic of the day so I will follow along. I have lots to say about marriage and relationships, always have. I am very opinionated yet I try not to judge. I am not in your relationship so I can't claim to be an expert on it. I try not to judge people regardless, it's just not a good way to be. I am learning to be less judgmental even though I sometimes have to make a very conscious decision about it. 

Anyway, back to marriage. I have a great marriage, it's far from perfect of course but it is still incredible. I have a man who, for the most part, gets me. I get him too, for the most part. However, we have struggled a little since I started nursing school. That's not to say that divorce is or was on the horizon but it has been mentioned and that was extremely scary to me. The funny part is, I was telling my sister about it and she said that she was relieved because she always thought we had the perfect relationship! HA!!! We are both the oldest child and it shows. He is a red head and I have a red head temper. You will not find two people who are more stubborn than he and I, and yet, it works. We met on AOL, back in the day, before match.com and eHarmony were around. I think at the time AOL was the only internet provider but I'm not sure. This was 1997 and I was just learning the internet and all that it could provide. 

I was going to school at Texas Tech University, majoring in political science. I thought I wanted to be a lawyer...I was wrong! LOL!!! I had been reading a lot of John Grisham and had taken a government class, that I loved so I decided to go from the medical field to law. I think that previous to that my major was cell and molecular biology and I was planning to be a genetic counselor...but I digress. Anyway, I bought a computer and my roommate helped me get set up on the internet. She was a management information systems major, which is something with computers so she knew a lot. Anyway, I got set up on AOL and decided to put an ad on there, sort of as a joke. I honestly thought that I probably wouldn't get many, if any, emails. I was wrong...I got TONS!!! I got emails from males from ages 15 to 56!!! Mind you, I was 20 at the time so 15 was way too young and 56 was older than my parents!!! Besides, my limit was 30...I mean, that's ten years and I thought that was a stretch. I got emails from all over the country too...it was nuts! I got one from Lubbock and one from Amarillo. I got a few from Dallas and one from Houston. The guy that I was talking to from Houston even proposed to me. He told me to pick out a ring and meet him in Abilene one weekend. I told him that he was crazy because we had never seen each other, just talked on the phone and im so there was no way that he could be in love with me. I did visit him in Houston and let's just say that he was less than interested. Again, I digress...so, I talked to txbjr1 a few times on im and sent several emails to him. I was headed home for a Jars of Clay concert so we decided to meet.

I had also decided to move out of the dorms because I was dropping out for the semester. I think I only went to class for two weeks or something like that. I spent the rest of the time on AOL trying to get my MRS...and it worked! Anyway, I had gotten most of my clothes out of the dorm and I was on my way to Amarillo when I realized that I left the concert tickets in my underwear drawer, which I had forgotten to empty! I had to turn around and go back, about an hour, to get the tickets...which I was afraid was going to make me late for the meeting with txbjr1!!! I was freaking out!!! I made it though, and we ended up talking until 0700 the next morning. I was very impressed, I mean, he actually talked to me for 15 hours!!! This was the first night that we met!!! To make a long story short, we were engaged three days later and got married four months later!!! We've been married for twelve and a half years. We'll celebrate our thirteenth anniversary on Valentine's Day 2011. I am so blessed and amazed!!!


I think the thing that makes our relationship, well, actually, I know that the key to our relationship is our communication! We talk about EVERYTHING!!! Sometimes we scream and yell but we still communicate and I am certain that is the key. We have been through some rough patches but we have weathered the storms. My sisters tell me that they are amazed that we made it through what we have without even separating. That was never an option though. I remember telling him before we got married that he'd better be sure that I was the one because we weren't getting divorced. I meant that. It's not that I look down on people who get divorced and I understand that things happen, I just don't think that there's anything that you can't work through. That's just my opinion though. I think that we could even work through infidelity, it would be hard and it would suck but I think that we could. I don't worry about that though, it's just not something that either of us would do. We made a commitment to each other and we both intend to honor it. Now, that's not to say that there has never been temptation because obviously, we are both human but we chose to overcome it. 


Anyway, back to communication. We are pretty good at relaying information to each other. Sometimes, we get frustrated because it seems as though no matter how we say something, the other one doesn't get it but most of the time, we figure it out. We have certain issues that took years to work out. It all boils down to talking about it. I truly feel as though there is nothing that I can't say to my hubby. He may not like what I have to say but he will listen, with an open mind and I will do the same for him. There are things that we will probably never get completely worked out, but we continue to work on them. I know that we have survived some of the things we have because we are determined to make this work and we talk about it. 


I think that nursing school has been the most challenging phase yet. I have a year left before I will have my RN. It's been rough at times and yet, we have managed to work through it. There are fears and doubts on both sides but we just talk it through. We might not be able to talk about an issue right when it surfaces but eventually we will and we figure out how to work through it together. It's like Shell said, sometimes you just have to make up your mind to make your marriage work. However, if your marriage doesn't or didn't work, that doesn't mean that you're a failure. Things happen, people change, sometimes it's just too much for a relationship to take. I can't say that I fully understand it but that doesn't mean that I don't sympathize with those that experience it. I don't judge them either because I don't know for sure what I would do in their situation having never experienced it myself. Plus, I'm not in their shoes so even if I do have the same experience, it's not exactly the same so I don't know that the choice they make isn't the right one for them.


Another thing that I realized is that in order to be happy in a relationship, you have to be happy by yourself and with yourself. If you are unhappy alone, you won't be happy with someone else. You have to be complete by yourself so that you can compliment another. Relationships take two people to work properly. I have a friend who is not happy alone...she was married for some time but has since divorced. Her relationship really had no basis. The guy, I won't say man because I don't think he qualifies, was just not right for her. I say this because he never would step up to the plate and be a man. The worst part is, he refuses to change so she had to let him go. They have three beautiful children that he does nothing for. She supports them on her own. She is amazing and yet, she doesn't see it. It blows my mind. I say that and yet I have been there, I felt like I couldn't be complete without a man. Luckily for me, I figured out that I was a pretty ok person by myself and then I met this wonderful man that I am married to. I don't know how to help her or another friend that I have in a similar situation. Perhaps I can't help them, that may not be my role in our friendship but I find it hard not to. I don't necessarily give advice but I do listen, if they ask my advice I'll give it freely. I just know that things are never simple and there usually isn't an easy answer when it comes to relationships. 


I think that the best marriages have a friendship element also. My hubby is my best friend, he knows everything about me. I know everything about him. He is the person that I can spend hours and hours on end with and never get tired of him. He may get a little tired of me but he is a man and they need to have time to themselves. I am a little codependent, I'll admit it! I'm learning to get over it and let him do his thing. It seems like we have been together forever and yet it seems like just yesterday that we got married. That could be denial on my part because I don't want to get any older...but, it happens and I can't stop it. I just know that I wouldn't want to make this journey with anyone else. I hope that you all find happiness in your marriages and relationships! Happy Wednesday!!!

Happiness Project

I know this is two things but this is my niece and nephew and we don't have pics of them together yet!!! They're not brother and sister, they're cousins, each of my sisters have one of them! :)

Post-It-Note Tuesday!!!

Getting to know you

1. If you could have one of Superman's, powers which one would you want? Superhuman strength..Flight..Superhuman speed..X-Ray vision..etc
Flight...I would be able to get places without having to get in the car!!!

2. The best thing I ever won is....?
The $10.00 Amazon gift card that I won recently from a giveaway! Rocker Chic

3. Have you ever skyped with a bloggy friend?
Nope...I don't know, I don't like how I sound because my inner hick comes out, it's why I don't vlog...or haven't yet...LOL

4. What is your favorite Summer month?
I'm not a summer person, I prefer spring and fall but I like June in Colorado! :)

5. Pool, Lake, or Ocean?
Any and all...I'm a water baby!!!

6. One of my favorite Summer memories is.....?








Going to Colorado with my family while I was on crutches...
7. What's your favorite secret bargain?
Um...I have no idea...LOL

8. Do you plan on or have you been watching the World Cup?
Nope...not a soccer fan.

I'VE MADE A DECISION!!! (Warning:This is a very HONEST post)

I am going to lose weight. There, I said it, out loud...sort of. I am posting this because I am going to need some help with accountability. I am going to let my friends and family know. It is time for a change. This is not a diet, this is a lifestyle change. I am tired of being unhealthy. I have history of heart problems in my family and if I don't get myself under control, I will probably end up with them. I already have some warning signs, granted, they are mild, but they are signs of pending congestive heart failure. I have known this for a while now and chosen to do nothing about it. That was pretty dumb, no stupid, on my part. I am not a stupid person so why I thought ignoring these signs was the right thing to do...I'm not sure. I overused that defense mechanism and reverted to my teenage "ten feet tall and bullet proof" attitude. Obviously, that is not the case, I am a human, not a superhero. (On a side note, if you haven't seen "Kick-Ass" you should do so, immediately!!!)

So, I am going to have to make LOTS of changes. Obviously, I can't do everything at once but as for the healthy choices when it comes to food, that's pretty easy. Going out to eat will be a challenge but I have several resources there, I mean, I have the internet. There's weightwatchers.com, there's hungrygirl.com, there's sparkpeople.com and that's just 3 of the plethora that are out there. Those are the three that I will probably use the most because they fit with my life and choices the best. I don't know if I am going to do Weight Watchers or not but I like their philosophy because they help you to make a lifestyle change, not just go on a diet. Hungry Girl just gives healthier food options and Spark People is a motivation website. I think the combination of the three will work perfectly for me. Plus, I can track my weight loss and goals on both Spark People and Weight Watchers. 

As for the changes, I am going to start with the very simple, obvious things. I am going to stop drinking so much coke (here in Texas, coke means anything with carbonation). If I must have coke, then I will drink the diet or zero option or the splenda option. I am not going to buy 12 packs or 2 liters or 6 packs to keep in the house. I don't want them to be easy access because if they are, I will drink them. Diet cokes are not really all that much better than regular and I have struggled with this decision. Diet cokes have some ingredients in them that are really bad for humans...so, if I don't buy them or have easy access to them, then I am less likely to drink them and expose myself to those ingredients/chemicals. I also think that by being in a convenience store or having to go somewhere to purchase a coke, I will hopefully talk myself out of it...but if I don't, it's not the end of the world. The upside is that once I start to do this, regular, sugary coke won't taste good anymore so I won't drink it. 

I am also going to start buying more fruits and veggies and keeping them in the house. However, before I even take that step, we have to stop eating out so much and buy groceries instead. As a couple, it is easier for us to eat out. That being said, that is obviously not the healthy option and I don't care where it is you eat out. Yes, Subway is a healthier option than McDonald's, generahttp://www.subway.com/subwayroot/index.aspxlly speaking, but there are things at Subway that are just as unhealthy as the Big Mac or Double Quarter Pounder! Go to subway.com and look up your favorite sandwich, you might be shocked. I was and I usually eat the turkey breast, which is one of the healthier options but if I remember correctly, the under 6 grams of fat does not include having cheese on the sub. I had to go double check because I didn't want to mislead anyone, now they have it with the cheese. I believe that in the past cheese wasn't included but that's pretty irrelevant. Anyway, that is very helpful and sometimes shocking information. The turkey breast with cheese on nine grain wheat bread has 280 calories, 3.5g of fat, 910mg sodium (WHAT?!?! Read: processed). Overall, not so bad, minus the sodium content, but that is the price of eating processed food. That also just made me have an epiphany, part of the reason that my feet are swelling is because I probably have too much sodium and then I just sit around all day so I get dependent edema/swelling!!! DUH!!! I love having epiphanies, they make me feel like such a MORON!!! LOL!!! They're good to have though, they help me keep things in perspective. But, as usual, I digress...processed foods are not that healthy so we have to be careful. That's why eating out can be a minefield. As I typed that it felt like my feet were swelling so I got up and made a circle around the inside of the house 4 or 5 times at a brisk pace until my breathing rate increased. Hey, it's a start and my Kylee boo thinks I'm crazy!!! It's all good though, I may have to act a little crazy until I get where I want to be!!!

Ok, enough about processed food. The other thing that I have to work on is my temper because that, along with the stress affects my heart. Now, as I was trying to look up the Subway information, my computer kept freezing. Normally, I lose it, scream at my computer, hit my table...that kind of thing. This time, I decided that it wasn't worth that so I took deep breaths, amazingly, the overwhelming feeling of anger dissolved. Albeit, not immediately, and I had to do this for a period of about 20 minutes, but, I did it. I tend to let little things get to me, and make me lose my mind. I don't really know why. Is it the end of the world that my computer is slow? Not really, so why does it make my blood boil? I'm sure there's an underlying cause, but, overall, I can control that. I don't have to get crazy every time my computer goes slow. Right now, I have Windows Virus, I mean Vista, as my operating system and such is life. Deal with it!!! (I have to talk harshly to myself sometimes because I tend to ignore or "forget" things I don't want to hear!) Anyway, until I am able to purchase Windows 7, it's something I have to deal with and it's not worth getting all worked up over. 

The temper thing tends to be the worst when I drive. I have figured out that I have extreme or severe anxiety when I drive. It's related to lots of things but since I now know, I can begin to work on controlling it. (If you want to know what the deal is, email me and I'll tell you, it will just take too long to get into it here.) Anyway, most of the time I do pretty well unless someone else is in the car with me, that makes me even more anxious and I tend to lash out at the drivers around me. I am really afraid that I will hurt or kill the people in the car with me. I'm fine when it's just me, usually, but when someone else is at stake, it's madness. Now, I don't say that to say that I don't think my life is important, but if I kill me, then I have to be responsible for myself, make sense? If I kill someone else, then I am responsible for taking their life and I don't know if I can handle that. So it's something that I have to work on. 


I've said all of this to say that I have a long road ahead of me. I will need the support of my friends and family. There is an awesome world of bloggy friends that will continue to inspire and support me as well and I thank you for that. You guys are awesome and I am grateful for you!


On a side note, there is another area of my life that needs some work and I will be posting on that later, I thought this one was long enough!! Have a great Thursday!!!!

Post-It-Note Tuesday with Supah Mommy!!! Stick em up!!!

Music Mondays

This song ALWAYS makes me wanna get my groove on!!! Go link up with Shelly and play along!

Getting to know you...on Monday...LOL

1. If a person has a booger in their nose. and you can see it, do you tell them?

It depends on who it is...not some random person but friends and family yes ;)


2. What are you passionate about?
My friends and family and their wellbeing.


3. How long have you been blogging?
a year and 10 months...holy cow!!! LOL


4. What is your favorite "summer" drink?
This summer, it's beer, pretty much any flavor...LOL!!! My fave is Dos Equis!!!


5. What is your favorite type of music?
Mostly rock but I like pretty much everything with a few exceptions!


6. Something I do before I go to bed is......?
pee, brush my teeth, put on my pj's....LOL


7. My Summer vacation plans are...?
I don't have any...I'm in summer school & probably won't go until after I'm out but we did talk about going to Colorado for a week or so!


8. My favorite must have, can't live without, beauty product is?
mascara...I have long eyelashes so it's my fave!!!