Grief

Grief is a funny thing, not funny haha, funny strange. You think you have it under control and WHAM, it knocks you in the back of the head. After a while, you start to process and return to life as it was but something is still different. I have been through several different grieving processes over the last few weeks. First, I found out, about 3 weeks ago, that my sister-in-law was pregnant. That was extremely bittersweet news. I was happy for her, sad for me. I've been waiting to get pregnant for 12 years...but, that's not the issue. I was still happy for her, it was just hard. I was really getting adjusted to that news when she found out today that she lost the baby. She was 10 weeks and 3 days pregnant. They don't really know what happened, they think it might have been an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy...but still, it just sucks. I also saw on facebook the other day where a guy that I know lost his son...it's not been the best three weeks, for sure. So now, I'm having to continue to grieve but in a whole different way...I just don't like it. Especially for her and Brad...it just sucks. As sad as I was that she was pregnant and I wasn't I certainly didn't want her to lose the baby...not even for a second. So, just as I was getting used to the idea of her having a baby...suddenly, she's not and that's not any better. I want to go back to the way it was...but we can't. We just have to move forward...but it won't be easy. I just hope that no one close to us turns up pregnant anytime soon...that would be really hard. So, if you're reading this, and you're praying folk, pray for our family, and my friend who lost his son and his family, because we need it.

Wow!!! 2 months...really???

To say that this semester has been hectic would be the understatement of the century, for sure. This semester has been crazy busy and FAST!!! Holy smokes, it's nearly over too and it feels like it just started!!! Two more weeks and this semester is OVER!!! (I believe that I hear the Hallelujah Chorus, faintly!!!) I have a love hate relationship with my pediatrics class. I really thought that I would love it...but I don't, for the most part. I'm passing and that's important but because I've always had a love for children, I thought I would do really well. The instructor is just very hard...crazy hard. She asks us master's level questions and we're not even RNs yet!!! Still, I am determined to survive this semester and move on. My other class is going very well, it could be going better but I am spending all my time studying for pedi. I could be doing better in med surg but at this point, I'm happy with what I got. I'm just in it to win it!!! It kind of shocks me that in six months I'll be graduating...shocks and amazes me. It seems like I started yesterday and years ago all at the same time. It's very exciting and overwhelming. I have missed blogging but I just haven't had the time. I really need to be writing papers right now but I am just basking in the glow of the fact that I passed the pedi test today. I'll worry about writing my papers this weekend...I have clinicals Thursday and Friday so I won't be writing them then!!! Sorry for the long break, I was just swamped!!! Happy Tuesday everyone!!!

Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday...on Thursday

It's been crazy around here. I started school last week and it is fast and furious. I am scared to death and yet, I know I can do it. Everything kind of cemented today when I was talking to my sister who is already planning her trip for next May to see me graduate. Wait what?!?!? Graduate?!!?!? I just started school!!! Ok, it's actually been a year and a half ago that I started but it seems like yesterday and ten years ago, all at the same time. I am super excited and scared to death about graduation. I am getting a great education and I will be a great nurse...but it's so scary, and final. It kind of sunk in today and now I'm a little freaked out. This is what I wanted, it's why I decided to go to nursing school but really, do I have what it takes to be a nurse? On one hand, I say yes but it makes my stomach hurt. I'm planning on continuing on and getting my masters as well but...that's just too much to even consider right at the moment.

This semester seems so much busier and harder than any other semester. I am taking two classes, pediatrics and med surg. This is my third semester of med surg, so I don't feel like I'm going to have a lot of trouble with this class. Plus, several of my friends took it this summer and they said that if I'll just go to class and pay attention, I shouldn't have any trouble. Pediatrics scares me to death!!! I love kids, I think that clinicals will be a blast. I can't wait to take care of kids...but, this class is SCARY!!! I have been reading and trying to do everything to keep up but the book is like a powerful sedative. It's very dry and I'm having a hard time reading it. I understand what I read but it's just not easy to read...I don't really enjoy it. I like to read, anything really. I haven't had any trouble reading my other textbooks but this one is killing me! I don't know why. This class is very intense, our professor expects a lot from us, as well she should. Kids can't always tell you what's going on or they don't know enough words to express themselves so it's important to be extremely precise as a pediatric nurse. I guess I wonder if I have the capacity. I thought that pediatrics might be one of the areas I wanted to work but now I don't know if I have what it takes...it just scares me. I plan on spending a lot of this weekend studying. Granted, I'll be in Angelfire with my friend but we can do some studying. She's a nursing student too and none of us turn study time down, especially with friends.

I can think of two things that brought this anxiety on. First, my sister making plans to come to my graduation and then we had clinical orientation today and we are going to have a lot more responsibility. Of course, we are getting more and more responsibility as we progress through the program but still, it's just scary. The funny thing is, until now, I was completely confident in my abilities...what changed? I don't know but I gotta get it together because I have some reading to do for pediatrics! ;)

GTKY Sunday

*to play..copy the questions..post them..then come back here and link up..it's super fun!*

The Q's.

1. If you could host a Reality TV show, which one would it be?

I would want to host "The Next Food Network Star" with Bobby Flay. I love Food Network, it makes me wish I could cook.

2. Do you put your seatbelt on before or after you start the car?
before

3. Shave or hair removal cream?
shave, hair removal cream usually burns me

4. What's your favorite feature in a house?
the master suite

5. What is your favorite "Fall" scent?
pine

6. What tv show are you looking forward to seeing the most this Fall??
Criminal Minds

7. Personal Shopper or Personal Chef?
Chef, no one can shop for me...that's kinda retarded anyway!

8. What is the first word that comes to mind when you think of "Fall"?
jeans & sweatshirts

101st Post!!!

Congratulations to me!!! This is my 101st post. I posted my 100th this morning and didn't even realize it. I have a new awesome blog layout thanks to Writer Girl who is awesome and you should check out her blog! Her "critters" are HILARIOUS!!! I actually had a point when I started to post this which I have now forgotten...oh well. I just wanted to do something special for my 101st post!

I'm a little bit sad that I won't be able to be blogging as much once school starts...it will keep me very busy. I love to participate in all the different meme's throughout the week. I have the Monday Minute with Ian. I have Post-It-Note Tuesday with Supah. I have Pour Your Heart Out on Wednesday with Shell. I have Friday Confessional with Glam. I have nothing on Thursdays right now...but that could change, for a short time. School is going to cut into my blog time...stupid school!!! LOL!!! Of course, once I graduate next May it will be better but I won't be finished with school...so...it's kind of a no win situation.

I'm kind of amazed at how much I've been blogging since I've been on break from school. I did a little blogging during school, about different topics and things that touched me in some way. I love this blog, it's my free therapy and I just like to do it. I don't think that I am meant to be a writer but I do enjoy it. I would like to write a fiction book at some point in my life. I've started several but nothing ever comes of it. I did join The Lady Bloggers Society which is supposed to help me with my writing. I've thought of taking some creative writing classes also. I have some creativity...I just don't channel it well. I think I channel it best through blogging, for now. I would like to do other things though, such as write a book. I wrote a "bucket list" blog a while back. If you would like to read it, go here. Anyway, there are a lot of things that I want to do...but a lot of things can't really be accomplished until I finish school.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know about the different blog meme's that I participate in. I forgot one, Getting to Know You Sunday with Keely. There are some amazing blogs out there...and I have only found a fraction of them. I wish that I had more time to spend reading blogs...but I guess I have to have a life! I have a great husband, a great family and an amazing group of friends. So I am going to go sit and watch tv with the hubs!!! Have a super weekend everyone!!!

Friday Confessional

I have a lot to confess today. First of all, I haven't been to Friday confessional in who knows how long. I have a million things to do today and yet I sit here on my booty reading blogs. Now I'm typing one which makes me a little more productive but not really. I start school on Tuesday and so I will probably be participating in the blog world much less. Nursing school keeps me super busy...I have kind of a love/hate relationship with it. However, the upside is, I'm on the downhill slope so I'm excited!!! I will graduate in May with my associate degree in nursing. Then it's on to my bachelors and masters! I'm pretty excited about that too.

I kind of got my feelings hurt the other day. My husband's aunt told me that I should at least wait a year before going to get my masters because I might like "just" being a floor nurse. I put the just in quotes because I know those nurses work their butts off and deserve more than a just, I also know that she didn't mean it that way having been a floor nurse herself. Still, it hurt my feelings because I've never been so sure of anything in my life...but then again, she may be right. Who knows? Perhaps I should just get over it because I know she didn't mean it that way!

I am trying desperately to get a job. I need one, I don't want one. However, in order to have all the things that I want, I'm going to have to get a job. Plus, getting on at one of the hospitals here will ensure that I have a job after graduation. I don't know if we're staying here after I graduate but we might, it just depends. I think we will most likely though because the hubs needs knee surgery. I'm hoping that if I get a job he'll be able to go ahead and have it though!

That's all I can think of at the moment! Happy Friday everyone!!! Go link up with Glam to play along!

Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday

If you want to pour your heart out, go link up with Shell. Please remember that people are pouring their hearts out and to be respectful in your comments! :)

Well, I had about three-quarters of a blog typed when my computer decided to close the window...which is totally irritating...so I decided to pour my heart out about something different. My previous post was about school and getting my master's and having people give me advice about it but as I sat here, I thought about something else that I've been thinking a lot about lately.

I am not entirely sure that I want to have kids. I think that makes me sound really selfish and I have to admit that some of the reasons that I don't want kids are selfish. I will have more money and more free time. However, my other reasons, I think, are totally unselfish. I don't want my kids to have to go through the things that I did, not that my childhood was terrible, it was pretty idyllic if anything but being a kid is hard. I think being a parent might be even harder. I read lots of blogs where mothers are worried about things for their children and I wonder if I am capable of that. I also feel like I will be being selfish by choosing to work. I don't think I have it in me to be a stay at home mom. I admire the women who do, I just don't think it's me. I enjoy my life as it is right now...minus the craziness of school. I enjoy being able to go and do whenever and whatever I want without having to worry about getting a baby sitter or having enough money to take the kids with me. I'm afraid that I'll make the wrong decision when it comes to public school versus home school. I know that I will not be a perfect parent, I don't expect that, but what if I make a mistake that screws my kid up forever? Maybe this is perfectly normal to feel this way...I don't know. It's weird because up until now, having kids has always been something that I wanted and lately, I seem to be leaning the opposite way. In fact, a previous PYHO post was about my fertility struggles. (If you want to read it go here. It was actually a Friday confessional, not a PYHO but same vein.)

Here lately, we have been surrounded by a lot of drama with some of the kids we know. I don't want to see my kids have to go through some of the things that they are. One set is dealing with divorce and I'm not worried about my kids dealing with that, the hubs and I are solid. However, it makes me sad to think that my teenager might have to give another teenager advice about dealing with divorce. I had friends whose parents got divorced and I gave them the best advice that I could but I didn't really know what they were going through, my parents were still married. I don't know, it just seems that there are a lot of decisions when it comes to kids and I don't know if I have the capability of making them. Not only that but I'm 33, I don't even want to start trying again, if we decide to go that route, until I graduate. I'll be 34 and considered high risk, regardless. So that sucks too. I don't want to have to struggle through all of that fertility stuff again either and I know that we'll have to. At least we know what we're dealing with but getting pregnant won't be a snap either. I don't know, it's not that I think I'll be this terrible parent, I just don't know if I want to...and that makes me feel like I'm selfish. I love kids, I love my nieces and nephews. I also love having my house to myself and having my hubby to myself. I like being able to spend money on things that I want and not forego it because one of my kids needs something. I like being able to plan a trip on the spur of the moment...and yeah, there's a lot of I's in those statements. So maybe I am just selfish...I don't know....