Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday

If you want to pour your heart out, go link up with Shell. Please remember that people are pouring their hearts out and to be respectful in your comments! :)

Well, I had about three-quarters of a blog typed when my computer decided to close the window...which is totally irritating...so I decided to pour my heart out about something different. My previous post was about school and getting my master's and having people give me advice about it but as I sat here, I thought about something else that I've been thinking a lot about lately.

I am not entirely sure that I want to have kids. I think that makes me sound really selfish and I have to admit that some of the reasons that I don't want kids are selfish. I will have more money and more free time. However, my other reasons, I think, are totally unselfish. I don't want my kids to have to go through the things that I did, not that my childhood was terrible, it was pretty idyllic if anything but being a kid is hard. I think being a parent might be even harder. I read lots of blogs where mothers are worried about things for their children and I wonder if I am capable of that. I also feel like I will be being selfish by choosing to work. I don't think I have it in me to be a stay at home mom. I admire the women who do, I just don't think it's me. I enjoy my life as it is right now...minus the craziness of school. I enjoy being able to go and do whenever and whatever I want without having to worry about getting a baby sitter or having enough money to take the kids with me. I'm afraid that I'll make the wrong decision when it comes to public school versus home school. I know that I will not be a perfect parent, I don't expect that, but what if I make a mistake that screws my kid up forever? Maybe this is perfectly normal to feel this way...I don't know. It's weird because up until now, having kids has always been something that I wanted and lately, I seem to be leaning the opposite way. In fact, a previous PYHO post was about my fertility struggles. (If you want to read it go here. It was actually a Friday confessional, not a PYHO but same vein.)

Here lately, we have been surrounded by a lot of drama with some of the kids we know. I don't want to see my kids have to go through some of the things that they are. One set is dealing with divorce and I'm not worried about my kids dealing with that, the hubs and I are solid. However, it makes me sad to think that my teenager might have to give another teenager advice about dealing with divorce. I had friends whose parents got divorced and I gave them the best advice that I could but I didn't really know what they were going through, my parents were still married. I don't know, it just seems that there are a lot of decisions when it comes to kids and I don't know if I have the capability of making them. Not only that but I'm 33, I don't even want to start trying again, if we decide to go that route, until I graduate. I'll be 34 and considered high risk, regardless. So that sucks too. I don't want to have to struggle through all of that fertility stuff again either and I know that we'll have to. At least we know what we're dealing with but getting pregnant won't be a snap either. I don't know, it's not that I think I'll be this terrible parent, I just don't know if I want to...and that makes me feel like I'm selfish. I love kids, I love my nieces and nephews. I also love having my house to myself and having my hubby to myself. I like being able to spend money on things that I want and not forego it because one of my kids needs something. I like being able to plan a trip on the spur of the moment...and yeah, there's a lot of I's in those statements. So maybe I am just selfish...I don't know....