Friday Follow and Confessional (Disclaimer: some sadness here)

I am joining up with the Friday Follow because I want blog followers, I'm kind of vain in that way, I'll confess. Plus, I love to read other people's blogs and for them to read mine.

Now, on to my confessional. I confess that today I am having a bit of trouble counting my blessings. I have an amazing husband who supports me, even in this madness of nursing school. He is even willing to move to a town he doesn't like so that I can get a bachelor's degree from Texas Tech University. (FYI, he's never lived in Lubbock so how he knows he doesn't like it I don't know but that's what he says!) Anyway, he is just awesome and I am blessed to have him in my life.

I also have an amazing family who supports me in everything that I do. They are awesome and I couldn't have asked for a better support system than what I have. I include my "in-laws" in that too. I don't consider them to be my in-laws, I just consider them my second family. That's how awesome they truly are. I am so blessed by them. I have told my mom and pop "in-law" that I couldn't have done better if I'd sent out applications, and it's true, they are awesome.

Then I have an amazing set of friends, some new, some old but all awesome! They are all supportive of me as well...so why the down attitude? Why am I having trouble counting my blessings??? Well, there's something that I want, really badly, and usually, I have it all under control and it doesn't bother me but for some reason, it does today. I hate it. I wish that I could make it go away but it doesn't. Most of the time all is well and good but then this stupid issue goes and rears it's ugly head and just ruins everything. Yeah, by the end of the day or even the end of this blog I may feel fine but I don't right now...and it sucks. I really truly want to have children and at this point, I don't even care if they're "biological" or not. I definitely want biological children but I want to adopt as well. You see, I have been diagnosed with "infertility". Now, my "problem" is an easy fix but since I'm in nursing school and don't have health insurance, it's not something that I can "fix" right now. Usually, this is not a big deal. I graduate with my associate degree in nursing next May and I will take state boards and then be a registered nurse, so the "fix" isn't far off but today it seems like it's an eternity. I'm 33, which isn't old by any stretch of the imagination but when we start "trying" again, I'll be 34 which is borderline "old" from the medical standpoint. I will be considered high risk anyway most likely. I don't want that label, I just want a baby, of my own. I want my own child to start with and then we are planning to adopt. We are going to try for "our own" for about two years after graduation and then if we don't have a baby, we'll move on to adoption. I figure that we shouldn't have any problem getting pregnant with help, there's no indication that I can't carry a baby to term so we'll see. I truly believe that once this whole plan gets going then we'll be able to get pregnant, I just don't know how long it will take. Having been down this road once before, several years ago, I don't know how much of it I'll be up for. It's absolutely devastating to have a procedure and then not end up pregnant. Luckily, I am not doing in vitro fertilization (IVF), I can do the intrauterine insemination (IUI) and that should be successful. It's just that I don't know how many times I'll have to do it before it "takes" and I don't know how much of it I can take. I have faith that I am supposed to have children of my own...but I don't know if I am able to wait on God's timing...I mean, I'm 33 right? I know that I don't have control over this whole situation and I firmly believe that all things happen for a reason...but that really isn't helpful right now. I just wish that I could get some kind of "sign" that everything will work out the way I want it to...even though it may not. I'm sorry that this post is so depressing but it's how I feel today. I don't always feel this way, usually I'm pretty upbeat and happy and like I say, by the end of today I'll be feeling better or possibly sooner than that. I just wish that I could control my emotions sometimes. The worst part of the whole thing is, I never know what will set it off. Today it was Facebook. I was looking at pictures of a pregnant woman and reading the comments and it hit me...and it sucks. Don't misunderstand, I am ecstatic for that woman, it sounds like she was having a hard time getting pregnant and I am happy, truly happy for her. I've been there, for twelve years now. I know exactly what she went through. The first five or so years were the hardest because that was the stage where it seemed like EVERYONE was pregnant or had a baby. Now, for the most part, I'm pretty happy-go-lucky about it and am starting to feel better even as I type this. Yet, I have this incredible ache in my heart and my arms even feel heavy. I don't like to feel this way, I feel as though I'm letting everyone, including myself, down, when I feel this way and yet I have no control over it. Maybe that's the worst part is the loss of control. I'll confess, I'm a control freak and yet, this is something that I can do absolutely nothing...it's a lesson that it took a long time for me to learn. If I am supposed to have a baby then I will, regardless of what I do or don't do. God shows me this all the time and sometimes I choose to ignore it or disregard it. I know that it's an issue where God is in control because I have seen people get pregnant when it should have been impossible. My hubby and I know a couple that he had a vasectomy and her tubes were tied and she still got pregnant!!! Tell me that's not a miracle and a divine intervention.

The downside to all of this though, is that I may not be supposed to have children, maybe I am supposed to take care of other people's children. I am going into the medical field, first as a nurse, then as a nurse practitioner. I am planning on being a family nurse practitioner because I get to see everyone, the whole family! However, I have my pediatrics class next semester so that could change everything. I had my OB rotation last semester and my favorite part of that was newborn nursery. It was amazing and hard but in spite of my feelings, I loved it! I have always loved children and wanted children. There was a time in my life that I thought that I was supposed to be a stay at home mom (SAHM) but I really don't feel like that is my true calling. I have been blessed with the ability to be a medical professional and so I'm on that track. I finally feel like I am fulfilling my destiny...but there's still this big question. Babies or no babies? I don't know but I guess we'll see eventually. Thanks for listening/reading and I hope you have a blessed and fulfilled Friday!