My heart hurts...(this is long & drawn out, fair warning)

So my ob class has reopened an old wound that I was really hoping to avoid, as I sit here listening to the stupid Creed song, "With Arms Wide Open" as if writing this doesn't make me emotional enough...seriously?!?!?!? I hate this part of me, this is the one time that I don't like to be a woman because this is something that I have no control over!!! I hate being emotional & vulnerable!!!! I am not usually this open or this vulnerable but here goes. I am putting this out there for my friends so that if something happens, you will understand or at least know that I am not losing it...theoretically anyway.

Today in class I found myself getting emotional as we talked about giving birth...the labor process. This is something that I fear that I will never get to experience personally. I have been diagnosed as infertile. Luckily, it's not something that is irreversible or beyond "repair" but it makes things all the more difficult. I feel inadequate, broken, useless...as if I am unable to perform a certain task set before me due to inadequacy. This is not something that anyone else has put on me, it's just how I feel & I am afraid that it is something that I will be unable to contain as this class progresses.

I am scared to death that I will lose it in clinicals...as I'm watching someone else give birth. Luckily, tears are expected but I think that I may completely lose control & that scares me to death...I don't want to ruin someone else's perfect moment. I sit here really at a loss because I don't really know how to act or how to react.

I would never begrudge someone a child, everyone deserves one...every one apparently but me. I think...and yet I know, in my head, that this isn't true. Emotionally, it's a whole different ballgame...and I am really tired of playing. It's something that I can't win & I drag it around, completely hidden most of the time & then, without warning, it rears it's ugly head.

I thought I was done with this...I thought I had it under control. I had accepted the fact that I might never have a child, and then this class started and I sat there thinking, what if it never does??? I don't know if I can live with that. Ultimately, I have no choice, I'm not willing to end my life because of it but, deep down, I feel as if I can never be complete..and that feeling totally sucks. I know that isn't true, I don't need a child to complete me. I have a wonderful husband & family that love me regardless but there's still that emptiness that I don't know how to fill.

Obviously, there's always adoption, but...it's not the same. Someone who has never been here can never fully understand that either. That isn't to say that you can't sympathize or even empathize but you can't feel it for me. Believe me, if you could take this, I would let you...for a time, but it's my battle to fight but I don't really know how sometimes. This is one of those times. It's something that I have to work out in my mind & get it all figured out because I don't want to be vulnerable or ruin someone else's experience.

I didn't realize it until now but I was pretty ambivalent going into this class & now I realize that was my defense mechanism, which clearly didn't work! Not that it's any surprise but still, I wish I could just be accepting, or cope with it without being emotional about it. Some days I can...today, I can't. Today in class, I nearly lost it but luckily I was able to cover it with laughter. We were talking about having to watch the dads as well as mom & baby because some of them aren't good with the blood & everything and it hit me that I may never have to worry about that.

Please don't think that I am having a pity party, I'm not, it just helps me to "verbalize" what I'm feeling, this is how I work things out...plus, I want my fellow students who read this to be aware just in case. I feel like I should tell someone at school but I can't bring myself to do it...I laugh it off & say that I can wait for 3 more semesters and at the beginning of this, I thought I could...now I'm not so sure.

Please pray that I am able to resolve this without a major public meltdown...I don't want that. Not because I will be embarrassed, but because I just don't want to go through that again. I have been through this multiple times...throughout all the fertility testing & those first few years when we didn't know what was going on. Now we know & it's a simple enough "fix" but there are other things to consider. I'm turning 33 in 2 days...so I am almost considered high risk. I know, women older than me have babies all the time but still...I don't want to have to think about all that goes along with that. I'm just very torn, confused and unsure...and I don't like it. The vulnerability sucks...badly.

I know that this is tough to read and for that, I apologize. I just wanted to make those of you close to me aware of what I'm going through so that you know what's going on if I happen to break down....By the way, I am going to get me some ice cream tomorrow, since I got a coupon from Coldstone for my birthday & talk this over with a friend! :)