Frustration!!!!!

Those of you who know me well, know how much I love my dogs. They are my furry children who don't speak clearly. I love them, more than some people love their human children and yet, today, I wanted to take Bruce to the pound!!! Bobby and I went to Burger King for lunch today. They have started serving ribs and since Bobby is a rib afficionado, we decided to go try them. Anyway, Bobby usually takes the trash in with him and puts it in their trashcan. He didn't do that today, said it was full. So I decided to go look at the purple Challenger SRT-8 that's on their lot. Of course, a salesman came out there so I explained to him that I was just dreaming because there's no way we can afford it. It's a $47,000 car!!!! That absolutely blows my mind, Bobby said that the sticker price was $42,000 so I went to look, well, salivate really but that's beside the point! I'm not really a car girl but this car is just, well, sexy!!!  It's metallic purple with carbon fiber looking stripes down the hood and a black fin on the back...it's just unbelievable...leather seats, tinted windows, the whole 9 yards. If you know me well, you know that I generally am not into cars, I'm tall, and I tend to hit my head getting in and out of them because I have to contort myself into a pretzel to get in and out so I said I would NEVER buy another one, after the last car that we had. Anyway, I digress.

I drove back across the lot to Bobby's office to tell him the price difference and try to beg for the car. I know I can't have it and don't need it but...I WANT IT!!!! It will become my new obsession, that eventually I'll get over because I just can't have it. I can't trade my durango in on it, I owe too dang much money on the durango, not only that, but the cops would probably burn my license after a while. I tend to be a speed demon and well, that car is damn fast...so, it's not something I need but that doesn't matter, I just want it. In a few days, or weeks perhaps, I'll get over it and go back to wanting a rubicon, maybe...LOL!!! Anyway, in the few minutes that I was in discussing the car with Bobby, Bruce got into the Burger King bag and ate ALL 6 bones!!! Not only that but he got barbecue sauce on my front seat and was licking the seat so there's a big wet, sloppy spot on the driver's seat. I was livid, to say the least, but at least this blog is helping me calm down. I feel much better just having gotten this off my chest, I'm still irritated at him, but he went straight to my room to bed so I don't have to deal with it now. I'm afraid that I would completely lose my mind if I were to have to deal with him right now. I still get somewhat incensed as I sit here and think about it...so, I'll leave it at that. 

As for school, it's fast and furious, but I am really enjoying it. I am taking mental health, which is something that has always interested me. I'm all about finding out what makes people tick. I get totally sucked into true crime shows and Criminal Minds....but again, I digress. We have studied anxiety disorders and somatoform disorders and therapeutic nurse-patient relationships and how to communicate therapeutically. Therapeutic communication is something that I think I do very well. I find it fairly easy, generally, to relate to people and talk to them on their level. I tend to be the "counselor" of my friends, usually so I like to talk to people. I love to help people problem solve and figure out how to "fix" themselves or their situation. I'm pretty realistic though, knowing that some things can't be "fixed". I think grief is that way, I don't think you ever truly "get over it" but that you learn to live with it. It's a process and just because you think something is dealt with, doesn't mean that there won't be a situation that brings up all of those feelings again. I just think that it's perpetual. I am also learning a lot about myself, all of it good, so far. There are obviously things about myself that I would like to "fix" but this class has helped me to see that some things can't be "fixed" and that as long as it doesn't control me or inhibit my daily activities, then I'm "good to go". My husband said that he knew that I would start diagnosing myself with all kinds of things, but I've actually not diagnosed myself with anything. I have fears, I have anxiety, but I don't have any "disorder" because none of them stop me from living my life. I've  actually figured out that I am much better off than I thought I was...LOL!!!! Obviously, I'm far from perfect but at least now I know what's going on in my head and am able to deal with it. I know that every one has issues and that we all deal with them differently but sometimes it's just nice to have a name for things. 

Anyway, I have to get back to studying, I have my first test Monday and I am shooting for an "A"! Wish me luck, cross your fingers, say a prayer or do whatever it is that you do!!! Have a great Thursday and a great weekend!!!

I'm an aunt again!!!

Miss Deborah Lucille Oliver made her appearance today!!! I am so excited!!! I'm an aunt times two! My other sister had our first nephew, Joseph Howard Sparhawk last July! She is due to have another little boy this July! Becoming an aunt is exciting, scary and a bunch of other feelings all wrapped up in each other.

There was a time in my life when I would have been completely jealous and unable to be happy for my sisters because I was too caught up in my own grief. I am beyond that, emotionally. That's not to say that I don't still have some sadness attached to not having babies of my own yet but I am happy for them. I am working on becoming that person who is happy regardless of what is going on around me. The hardest part is that I want everything to be fixed permanently and quickly, and our emotions don't work that way.

This became more evident to me than ever this semester. I had my OB class, which I was honestly not looking forward to at all, I was truly afraid that I would be unable to handle it, emotionally. However, I did very well. I did tear up at all the births that I saw, but I wasn't the only one. However, they were all tears of joy, not tears of anger or envy. I am proud of that. I actually handled this whole semester much better than I thought I would be able to. It's amazing what we can handle and it's always much more than we think. I keep finding that I am much stronger emotinally than I think I am even though I still have the breakdowns.

Ok, enough with the deep emotions. I am just ecstatic, I have a healthy niece and nephew and we have another nephew on the way. Now if I can just get pictures of Miss Dee, things will be better!!! Happy Birthday Deborah!!!

Extraordinary

I find it sad that I have been waiting for my life to become extraordinary, when, if I had just been paying attention, I would have realized that it has been extraordinary all along. Granted, I'm not famous and I don't have tons of money, which might be what I was waiting for, but still, my life is awesome. I have some great friends and family that support me in my every endeavor. They lift me up when I fall and pat me on the back when I do well. I couldn't ask for greater people to surround me.

I have a husband that is awesome too. He puts up with my insanity, this is the most important thing that he does. I understand completely now why couples break up during nursing school! It turns you into a monster at times, I don't know that I could put up with me, but he does, without batting an eye. He also encourages me when I am in the depths of despair over a test grade or a class, he knows exactly what to say to lift my spirits. I am so grateful for him!!! I wouldn't trade him for anything!!!

I sat outside today and watched my dogs. They were cracking me up. Kylee was running all over the yard like she was looking for something. Every once in a while, she'd look over at me, just to make sure that I hadn't snuck inside while she wasn't looking, but then, she continued on. I don't have a clue what she was looking for, but, she seemed content and she sleeps on the floor next to me. Bruce did his peeing routine and then went and sat in the shade. He came up to be petted pretty often because that's what he does. I tried to take a picture so that I could show you his sweet face but he put his head in my lap or would get too close to the phone so I couldn't snap a picture. He's so funny. All he wants is to please me and I love that.

I finished level 2 today, I am SO relieved. I would have rather sat for the NCLEX yesterday than take the med surg test and yet, I passed. I didn't ace it but I passed which is all I needed. Plus, I made a better grade than I have on any of the other tests so I was happy. However, I was in tears yesterday morning because I was so afraid that I wasn't going to pass that class. However, I sent a text to all my friends and family to pray for me, and they did. I also put a prayer request up on facebook and got several responses there. It was awesome. I didn't do all that hot on my ob final but I was far better off in that class so it didn't matter. I would have had to bomb it and I knew that wouldn't happen! I should have studied harder, but ob is not where I'll end up so it's all good.

I just wanted to put this out there to say thanks to all my friends and family. I am really grateful for all the wonderful people in my life!!! It is an extraordinary life!!!!

Judge ye not?

Today in my OB class we talked about abortion. This is always a very controversial and emotional subject for everyone involved, regardless of their viewpoint. Medically speaking, the term abortion applies to any pregnancy loss whether spontaneous or induced. Immediately after these words came out of my instructor's mouth, the grumbling began. It is what it is, simply a definition. We use the term miscarriage because abortion is too harsh for most people when referring to a spontaneous pregnancy loss.

There is a person in our class that is extremely opinionated and tries to inflict their opinion on everyone else. I say inflict because this person seems to genuinely believe that they are the only one that belives correctly and that if you disagree with them then that just makes you uneducated. That being said, my personal opinion on that is that everyone is entitled to their opinion. I have my own personal beliefs that influence my life based on Christian values. However, there is a lot to be said for perception. When anyone says the word abortion, most people immediately think of an induced abortion. I think this is due to Roe v Wade and the use of the word abortion in that trial. But I digress, today, this person made a comment along the lines that women who have had one or more abortions should be sterilized or something along those same lines of absurdity. The logorrhea continued on until I finally said, "You can't judge them until you have walked a mile in their shoes".  This person then replied that a woman considering abortion should consider people who can't have kids and their desire for a baby, any baby and that this person's sister and brother-in-law had been waiting 5 or so years to have a baby. I said, "I've been waiting 12 years". It's true, I have been waiting 12 years to have a baby but I still don't feel that I have the right to essentially condemn these women who choose induced abortion. I can say with about 90% certainty that I wouldn't choose to have an induced abortion in any situation but, I don't know for sure. I've never been in a situation that I had to make that choice, thankfully. My position may change once I have given birth or adopted a child, we will see.

I just think that as a nurse or any medical professional, you must be able to be nonjudgmental regardless of your beliefs about a person's medical decisions. That doesn't mean that I have to condone or agree with the choices that my patients make, however, they still deserve the best care that I can possibly give regardless of my feelings. If they ask my opinion, I will tell them that their choice most likely wouldn't have been my choice and then I can elaborate from there. That may sound like double-speak but it isn't. If I were taking care of a patient who had an induced abortion and they asked me if I would have one, I would say probably not. If they asked me why then I would elaborate. However, the way that I would communicate with a patient depends on too many factors to be scripted. People communicate very differently so I would have to convey my beliefs without the patient feeling like I am condemning them.

I could go on about this for an eternity but I won't. I just wonder, regardless of what you believe, do you have the right to tell someone that they made the wrong decision when there is no possible way for you to have all the facts?

It's been a while...

It's been quite a while since I've blogged...school has got me super busy. It's almost the end of the semester. I have about a week break and then right into summer school. Then another short break and into the fall semester. Over the summer break, after class, I am going to Lubbock to see my 2nd nephew be born. My first niece will be born while I am in my summer class. I want to go see her, the minute she's born, but I won't get to because sometimes, things just don't work out the way that we want them to. I didn't get to see Joseph until a few hours after he was born either. Mom got to see him be born though, she said it was amazing. I'm sure that the new baby boy will be amazing as will Miss Deborah. If only I would win the powerball, then I would be able to go and see whenever I feel like it! However, in order to win the powerball, I must play and that's a challenge in and of itself...LOL...oh well!

I miss blogging when I don't get to. It's my outlet. Sometimes it's easier to say the things I want to say here than to say them out loud. Even though, this is "out loud" in a lot of ways, I'm not actually speaking the words, which is sometimes a good thing. I am grateful that, for the most part, I can control my brain/mouth filter. Sometimes I can't, and I hurt people. I don't intend to, but, it happens. Plus, I use words, spoken or otherwise, to work things out. I wonder about myself sometimes because I worry needlessly. I freak out about things that aren't really that big of a deal. I am way too hard on myself, no one else is nearly as hard on me as I am. Even Bobby tells me to lay off myself, but sometimes, I just can't. It's one of those things. It's back to the freaking out about things that don't matter. Case in point, my grades. I usually make really good grades and I am barely hanging on by a thread in my med surg class. It totally freaks me out if I allow myself to think about it. However, it dawned on me the other day that I am worrying about it too much. If I continue that course, I will make myself fail. Seriously, I will pass this class and I am going on to level 3. I am going to make it to my summer class and to graduation next May!!! I have to think positive and I have to study some more...I study but not enough but even still, I don't know that it will make me pass with flying colors. I just can't fail a test or I will be in trouble. So, I am going to think positive and get through it!

Ok, I have to head back to the hospital now. My mom-in-law had a femoral bypass today and said she would like some company tonight while everyone's bowling. Then I have to go pick up my "niece" at gymnastics. Then we're going to stay with the pop-in-law while mom-in-law's in the hospital. Anyway, I just wanted to say hello to the blogsphere and post a little blog. Have a great rest of the week folks!!!

Addiction...

I have an addiction, not a drug addiction. Actually, it is a drug but it's a legal one. I don't even know what's brought it on but it's there and it's one that at this time in my life, I cannot afford. I am addicted to iced coffee. I cannot afford this in more than one way, financially and physically. There is a heck of a lot of calories in iced coffee, from Starbucks. I'm sure that all the other coffee places in town have just as many calories but they haven't posted them online nor do they have an iphone app so who knows? I did figure out, caloriewise, that switching to nonfat milk saves a ton of fat and calories so I have been doing that. Starbucks has a new coffee that I love though, the dark cherry mocha. I am all about mocha anyway but add raspberry or cherry flavor and well, "you had me at hello". Ha!!!

I think this addiction started from watching "Weeds", a series on Showtime that the hubby and I have recently started watching on Netflix. Nancy Botwin, the main character, leads a fairly idyllic life in Agrestic. She is a pot dealer but doesn't do drugs herself, other than caffeine. She drinks enough caffeine that it's equivalent to crack. It's either iced coffee or diet coke. Usually it's the iced coffee though, which is the only thing that I can connect my sudden addiction to. It's quite strange to me that I am that affected by that show though. There are two movies that tend to have an effect on me that way too. Every time I watch "First Wives Club" or "My Best Friend's Wedding" I get this crazy urge to smoke. I am not a smoker but those shows make me want to have a cigarette either during or after watching them. I don't know why, that's just what I want after watching them. Whenever I watch "Sex and the City" I want to eat...I think it's because they eat a lot in that show. Anyway, I have always wondered how these subtle things can trigger my brain the way that they do, it's just weird.

Hakuna Matata!

I was in a serious funk this week...and I don't really know why. I think part of it was I kept looking at my fellow humankind and waiting for them to be human, but they weren't, they were self-centered assholes. So, I got depressed, which is something I have a tendency to do. Then I start to wallow and be all pathetic until I can't stand myself. So yesterday, I decided to suck it up. I also read several blogs about other people's struggles and decided that mine aren't so bad. Yeah, I have a lot of stress right now being a nursing student but that will go away when I graduate next May. Then it will be on to the stress of actually being a nurse and having people's lives in my hands. LOL!!! I guess I decided that getting all mired down and whiny just isn't going to cut it. I am going to be positive. Someone just may need to remind me from time to time.

All in all, people really aren't bad, we just get caught up in ourselves, which is normal, we are pretty selfish creatures. However, not every single one of us is so wrapped up in our lives that we forget the simple things. My hubby told me that when I start to feel like that, I need to get out of the house and go for a walk or something. He said to go do something that makes me happy. Unfortunately, most of the things that make me happy require money, which is something we don't have a lot of these days. It's by choice though, I'm not working full time or really even part time so that I can concentrate on school. I am trying to get a job though because I would like to be able to move straight into a nursing position once I graduate, not that I'll have a problem. I'm ready to be in that phase because the idea of being able to have an iced latte any time I damn well please appeals to me. Yeah, I'm still stuck on iced lattes...don't ask, it's an addiction that I don't have the time or energy to explain. Plus, were I to explain this sudden onset of addiction, my faithful readers would be able to confirm that I had/have lost my mind and I just can't have that. I need you people to see me as somewhat sane, even though I'm really not!

So, as we go into the weekend folks, let's lift our chins and smile. This is going to be a great spring and summer season. I hope you have a super, fun-filled weekend, I know I will!