Pour Your Heart Out

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I'm on a roll today...three posts in one day. Ok, technically it will be tomorrow in eight minutes but still. So, this post is where I am going to pour my heart out, thanks to Shell who started this lovely idea! 

Marriage seems to be the topic of the day so I will follow along. I have lots to say about marriage and relationships, always have. I am very opinionated yet I try not to judge. I am not in your relationship so I can't claim to be an expert on it. I try not to judge people regardless, it's just not a good way to be. I am learning to be less judgmental even though I sometimes have to make a very conscious decision about it. 

Anyway, back to marriage. I have a great marriage, it's far from perfect of course but it is still incredible. I have a man who, for the most part, gets me. I get him too, for the most part. However, we have struggled a little since I started nursing school. That's not to say that divorce is or was on the horizon but it has been mentioned and that was extremely scary to me. The funny part is, I was telling my sister about it and she said that she was relieved because she always thought we had the perfect relationship! HA!!! We are both the oldest child and it shows. He is a red head and I have a red head temper. You will not find two people who are more stubborn than he and I, and yet, it works. We met on AOL, back in the day, before match.com and eHarmony were around. I think at the time AOL was the only internet provider but I'm not sure. This was 1997 and I was just learning the internet and all that it could provide. 

I was going to school at Texas Tech University, majoring in political science. I thought I wanted to be a lawyer...I was wrong! LOL!!! I had been reading a lot of John Grisham and had taken a government class, that I loved so I decided to go from the medical field to law. I think that previous to that my major was cell and molecular biology and I was planning to be a genetic counselor...but I digress. Anyway, I bought a computer and my roommate helped me get set up on the internet. She was a management information systems major, which is something with computers so she knew a lot. Anyway, I got set up on AOL and decided to put an ad on there, sort of as a joke. I honestly thought that I probably wouldn't get many, if any, emails. I was wrong...I got TONS!!! I got emails from males from ages 15 to 56!!! Mind you, I was 20 at the time so 15 was way too young and 56 was older than my parents!!! Besides, my limit was 30...I mean, that's ten years and I thought that was a stretch. I got emails from all over the country too...it was nuts! I got one from Lubbock and one from Amarillo. I got a few from Dallas and one from Houston. The guy that I was talking to from Houston even proposed to me. He told me to pick out a ring and meet him in Abilene one weekend. I told him that he was crazy because we had never seen each other, just talked on the phone and im so there was no way that he could be in love with me. I did visit him in Houston and let's just say that he was less than interested. Again, I digress...so, I talked to txbjr1 a few times on im and sent several emails to him. I was headed home for a Jars of Clay concert so we decided to meet.

I had also decided to move out of the dorms because I was dropping out for the semester. I think I only went to class for two weeks or something like that. I spent the rest of the time on AOL trying to get my MRS...and it worked! Anyway, I had gotten most of my clothes out of the dorm and I was on my way to Amarillo when I realized that I left the concert tickets in my underwear drawer, which I had forgotten to empty! I had to turn around and go back, about an hour, to get the tickets...which I was afraid was going to make me late for the meeting with txbjr1!!! I was freaking out!!! I made it though, and we ended up talking until 0700 the next morning. I was very impressed, I mean, he actually talked to me for 15 hours!!! This was the first night that we met!!! To make a long story short, we were engaged three days later and got married four months later!!! We've been married for twelve and a half years. We'll celebrate our thirteenth anniversary on Valentine's Day 2011. I am so blessed and amazed!!!


I think the thing that makes our relationship, well, actually, I know that the key to our relationship is our communication! We talk about EVERYTHING!!! Sometimes we scream and yell but we still communicate and I am certain that is the key. We have been through some rough patches but we have weathered the storms. My sisters tell me that they are amazed that we made it through what we have without even separating. That was never an option though. I remember telling him before we got married that he'd better be sure that I was the one because we weren't getting divorced. I meant that. It's not that I look down on people who get divorced and I understand that things happen, I just don't think that there's anything that you can't work through. That's just my opinion though. I think that we could even work through infidelity, it would be hard and it would suck but I think that we could. I don't worry about that though, it's just not something that either of us would do. We made a commitment to each other and we both intend to honor it. Now, that's not to say that there has never been temptation because obviously, we are both human but we chose to overcome it. 


Anyway, back to communication. We are pretty good at relaying information to each other. Sometimes, we get frustrated because it seems as though no matter how we say something, the other one doesn't get it but most of the time, we figure it out. We have certain issues that took years to work out. It all boils down to talking about it. I truly feel as though there is nothing that I can't say to my hubby. He may not like what I have to say but he will listen, with an open mind and I will do the same for him. There are things that we will probably never get completely worked out, but we continue to work on them. I know that we have survived some of the things we have because we are determined to make this work and we talk about it. 


I think that nursing school has been the most challenging phase yet. I have a year left before I will have my RN. It's been rough at times and yet, we have managed to work through it. There are fears and doubts on both sides but we just talk it through. We might not be able to talk about an issue right when it surfaces but eventually we will and we figure out how to work through it together. It's like Shell said, sometimes you just have to make up your mind to make your marriage work. However, if your marriage doesn't or didn't work, that doesn't mean that you're a failure. Things happen, people change, sometimes it's just too much for a relationship to take. I can't say that I fully understand it but that doesn't mean that I don't sympathize with those that experience it. I don't judge them either because I don't know for sure what I would do in their situation having never experienced it myself. Plus, I'm not in their shoes so even if I do have the same experience, it's not exactly the same so I don't know that the choice they make isn't the right one for them.


Another thing that I realized is that in order to be happy in a relationship, you have to be happy by yourself and with yourself. If you are unhappy alone, you won't be happy with someone else. You have to be complete by yourself so that you can compliment another. Relationships take two people to work properly. I have a friend who is not happy alone...she was married for some time but has since divorced. Her relationship really had no basis. The guy, I won't say man because I don't think he qualifies, was just not right for her. I say this because he never would step up to the plate and be a man. The worst part is, he refuses to change so she had to let him go. They have three beautiful children that he does nothing for. She supports them on her own. She is amazing and yet, she doesn't see it. It blows my mind. I say that and yet I have been there, I felt like I couldn't be complete without a man. Luckily for me, I figured out that I was a pretty ok person by myself and then I met this wonderful man that I am married to. I don't know how to help her or another friend that I have in a similar situation. Perhaps I can't help them, that may not be my role in our friendship but I find it hard not to. I don't necessarily give advice but I do listen, if they ask my advice I'll give it freely. I just know that things are never simple and there usually isn't an easy answer when it comes to relationships. 


I think that the best marriages have a friendship element also. My hubby is my best friend, he knows everything about me. I know everything about him. He is the person that I can spend hours and hours on end with and never get tired of him. He may get a little tired of me but he is a man and they need to have time to themselves. I am a little codependent, I'll admit it! I'm learning to get over it and let him do his thing. It seems like we have been together forever and yet it seems like just yesterday that we got married. That could be denial on my part because I don't want to get any older...but, it happens and I can't stop it. I just know that I wouldn't want to make this journey with anyone else. I hope that you all find happiness in your marriages and relationships! Happy Wednesday!!!