What is with me lately???

If anyone has any spare motivation just laying around...I need it. I don't know what's with me this semester but I can't seem to get motivated!!! I was off all day today & did not one thing for school!!! I wonder if some of it might be a mental block for my ob class but that can't be the whole story. Luckily, we don't have school tomorrow so I am going to work my butt off & get some things done!!! It's unusual, as far as school goes, for me to put things off this much. I am the queen of procrastination but not usually as much when it comes to school.

I don't know, I just know that if I don't get it in gear, I'm gonna be in trouble...so someone, please send me some motivation, or a kick in the hiney!!! Thanks!!!!

My heart hurts...(this is long & drawn out, fair warning)

So my ob class has reopened an old wound that I was really hoping to avoid, as I sit here listening to the stupid Creed song, "With Arms Wide Open" as if writing this doesn't make me emotional enough...seriously?!?!?!? I hate this part of me, this is the one time that I don't like to be a woman because this is something that I have no control over!!! I hate being emotional & vulnerable!!!! I am not usually this open or this vulnerable but here goes. I am putting this out there for my friends so that if something happens, you will understand or at least know that I am not losing it...theoretically anyway.

Today in class I found myself getting emotional as we talked about giving birth...the labor process. This is something that I fear that I will never get to experience personally. I have been diagnosed as infertile. Luckily, it's not something that is irreversible or beyond "repair" but it makes things all the more difficult. I feel inadequate, broken, useless...as if I am unable to perform a certain task set before me due to inadequacy. This is not something that anyone else has put on me, it's just how I feel & I am afraid that it is something that I will be unable to contain as this class progresses.

I am scared to death that I will lose it in clinicals...as I'm watching someone else give birth. Luckily, tears are expected but I think that I may completely lose control & that scares me to death...I don't want to ruin someone else's perfect moment. I sit here really at a loss because I don't really know how to act or how to react.

I would never begrudge someone a child, everyone deserves one...every one apparently but me. I think...and yet I know, in my head, that this isn't true. Emotionally, it's a whole different ballgame...and I am really tired of playing. It's something that I can't win & I drag it around, completely hidden most of the time & then, without warning, it rears it's ugly head.

I thought I was done with this...I thought I had it under control. I had accepted the fact that I might never have a child, and then this class started and I sat there thinking, what if it never does??? I don't know if I can live with that. Ultimately, I have no choice, I'm not willing to end my life because of it but, deep down, I feel as if I can never be complete..and that feeling totally sucks. I know that isn't true, I don't need a child to complete me. I have a wonderful husband & family that love me regardless but there's still that emptiness that I don't know how to fill.

Obviously, there's always adoption, but...it's not the same. Someone who has never been here can never fully understand that either. That isn't to say that you can't sympathize or even empathize but you can't feel it for me. Believe me, if you could take this, I would let you...for a time, but it's my battle to fight but I don't really know how sometimes. This is one of those times. It's something that I have to work out in my mind & get it all figured out because I don't want to be vulnerable or ruin someone else's experience.

I didn't realize it until now but I was pretty ambivalent going into this class & now I realize that was my defense mechanism, which clearly didn't work! Not that it's any surprise but still, I wish I could just be accepting, or cope with it without being emotional about it. Some days I can...today, I can't. Today in class, I nearly lost it but luckily I was able to cover it with laughter. We were talking about having to watch the dads as well as mom & baby because some of them aren't good with the blood & everything and it hit me that I may never have to worry about that.

Please don't think that I am having a pity party, I'm not, it just helps me to "verbalize" what I'm feeling, this is how I work things out...plus, I want my fellow students who read this to be aware just in case. I feel like I should tell someone at school but I can't bring myself to do it...I laugh it off & say that I can wait for 3 more semesters and at the beginning of this, I thought I could...now I'm not so sure.

Please pray that I am able to resolve this without a major public meltdown...I don't want that. Not because I will be embarrassed, but because I just don't want to go through that again. I have been through this multiple times...throughout all the fertility testing & those first few years when we didn't know what was going on. Now we know & it's a simple enough "fix" but there are other things to consider. I'm turning 33 in 2 days...so I am almost considered high risk. I know, women older than me have babies all the time but still...I don't want to have to think about all that goes along with that. I'm just very torn, confused and unsure...and I don't like it. The vulnerability sucks...badly.

I know that this is tough to read and for that, I apologize. I just wanted to make those of you close to me aware of what I'm going through so that you know what's going on if I happen to break down....By the way, I am going to get me some ice cream tomorrow, since I got a coupon from Coldstone for my birthday & talk this over with a friend! :)

My Maternal & Women's Health class

I just finished reading the first chapter in my maternity & women's health book for my class. I have to say, I read some things that could make me become an activist, mainly for women in poorer, unindustrialized countries. I had to look up a word in the section about genital mutliation & what I found out made me sick. I had heard of this practice before but seriously??? It absolutely blows my mind that these kind of practices take place today. The worst part is, there is an ethical dilemma on whether or not to repair this practice!!!! I'm sorry, but do you have your brain intact today??? How is this an ethical dilemma??? How could anyone with a soul not repair this mutilation??? I don't get it. To me, it would be unethical not to fix this, I don't know what countries practice these things but whoever does should be obliterated, seriously, not because they abuse women but because they apparently have no regard for humanity.

The other thing that reading this chapter made me want to do is become involved in politics. Now, as most of you know I am extremely opinionated when it comes to politics but I am not unable to hear the "other side's" point of view. I enjoy a healthy debate as much as the next person. The fact that so much has to be done for women's health care & that so little is done, shocks me. I guess it doesn't but it flabbergasts me. There are so many issues that I can't even pick just one to be passionate about or to write about here...this would be the longest blog in the history of the world if I did!!! Let's just say that we need to seriously think about how our health care is delivered & the standards at which we practice.

Anyway, before I get on a soap box I can't get off of, let me say this. If I choose to be an ob/gyn nurse, I will give the best care that I am capable of giving. If I see something wrong, I will do whatever I have to do to fix it, even if it involves becoming involved in politics. It saddens me to think that I might have to be involved in "extreme" behavior to get what should be a standard of practice, accomplished.

I think I am going to thoroughly enjoy this class. I am extremely opinionated when it comes to women's health care & how it is delivered. Ask my husband, he will tell you...he has gone so far as to say that he would prefer to not be in the delivery room when I have our children because I will be driving the nurses crazy!!! LOL...it's probably true but I am just very set in my opinions about certain things that I will & will not do. None of them are unreasonable, they are just my opinions. I'll keep you posted as things develop!!! Have a great week!!!

Well here goes...

Ok, back to purple posting, Vikings be damned...LOL!!! Anyway, I sit here at my computer at 0714, which is 7:14am for those of you not familiar with military time and most of you probably are. I am trying to get in the habit of using it as it's what I will use to chart when I am a nurse! Anyway, I am sitting here blogging so early because I decided to get up early this morning since I will have to get up early for classes tomorrow & from Tuesday on out for the semester. I will have to get up earlier for clinicals but I'll worry about that later. Right now I think 0630 is early enough!!! That's what time I have to be at clinicals so I'll probably get up at 0430 on those days. I am a procrastinator & it takes me a long time to get ready so I have to get up about 2 hours early so I have time to piddle around. I have been this way since I was a small child & rather than try to change, I will just get up! ;)

I have done something productive this morning, I just started my first load of laundry. I have 3 main goals today: laundry, clean off my table & clean out my closet. I have only 3 because it's probably going to take all I have in me to get those 3 things accomplished! I have diagnosed myself with attention deficit disorder of the brain & I am unable to assign myself huge tasks because of it. I truly get overwhelmed because I have trouble focusing on the little things, I start thinking about every single thing that has to be done, get overwhelmed & accomplish nothing. So I'm starting small, I figure that this is the way to teach myself that I can do it! Anyway, the more I get done, the more I'll want to accomplish so it all works out!

I am excited & nervous about starting school tomorrow. We are doing our obstetric/gynecologic rotation this semester & I can't decide how I feel about it. I love babies & I think delivering babies would be awesome but there are so many things that could go wrong. Perhaps all that just overwhelms me, who knows? I'll definitely keep you posted as things progress. Another one of my goals for this year is to blog more so that I can keep track of the things that I have done! It may be just once a week when the semester is rolling full steam ahead but who knows???

As for cleaning out my closet, it's something that I have to do because I don't want to go buy more hangers...sad, I know. Not only that but there are clothes in there that I haven't worn in over a year. I am keeping one dress & one skirt just in case but the rest of them are gone...well, I say that but I have some summer skirts that I'm keeping since I'm on a weight loss journey this year too. Plus they're really cute & I just bought them & haven't even worn 2 of them yet!!! It would be nice to have a gym membership though because I want to lift weights, especially with my legs but...alas, one must have the money for that & right now, I don't! After graduation, I will so I will just have to settle for walking & doing things on my own.

Ok, I have to have coffee now, my fingers are starting to get a little bulky & I am having trouble getting my thoughts from my brain to my fingers!!! Have a good Monday everyone!!!

Why can't we live in a perfect world...or maybe I just want to live in my perfect world!!!

Today, thus far, as far as football is concerned, has not gone well...and here I am posting in purple...that's sacrilege!!! For today only, the rest of my blog will be in blue, to show my support of the team that calls themselves the Dallas Cowboys. I generally pick purple because it's my favorite color but since that's the color of the Minnesota Viking jerseys, in respect for my team, I choose blue today.

Ok, back to the perfect world that I want to live in. If that were the case, I would not have to be worried about the outcome of this so called football game. I say that because, there is one team that is playing & the other team...well, I'm at a loss there. The Cowboys have a good football team, so why do they give up & make stupid mistakes in the playoffs??? I don't get it. We have complete pure talent & yet...when it comes to the playoffs, we just roll over. I know that some of it has to do with the pussy play calling, so hopefully, that will go away next year. It also has to do with poor coaching & in that respect, I could care less whether Wade Phillips stays or goes, but maybe he should go. A lot of it has to do with the players...they have to want it. Apparently, to the dismay of their fans, they don't want it bad enough to even try. It makes me sad & angry as a fan. I am perhaps going to email this blog to them, not that they care but this is a free country & I am entitled to my opinion! Why can't they at least pretend that they give a crap about the fans & what we want. We want to see them go to the Superbowl, Brett Favre be damned. Maybe this is his last year to play...who knows & who cares??? He makes his choices, make yours. Step the hell up & play Cowboy football!!! Stop being pussies & hit Favre HARD!!! I don't mean give him a career ending injury, he's a good guy, but if you take him out of this game, things will get a little easier for you. Next, you have to take Adrian Peterson out of the game, again, not a career ending injury just take him out of this game...which may make me sound like a bad person but I'm just stating the obvious. If you choose to take the high road & not injure them, then stop them!!! Step up & play football!!!!! Let's go, we want to see you at the Superbowl dammit!!!!

Julie & Julia--the movie

I just finished watching the movie "Julie&Julia" and it was excellent, inspiring even. However, I am no cook & have no desire to cook my way through Julia Child's cookbook. I would do well to get through a Rachael Ray 30 Minute Meals cookbook. Odds are good, that's never going to happen. Although, I would like to learn to cook...without being overwhelmed. Cooking is something that I don't take on because it's too much for me...I have ADD, just in my brain. I have a hard time focusing on a single thing at a time...I need to chase rabbits, if you will. So, learning to cook, along with many other things in my life, hasn't come easily. I say this as if I have learned to cook...I haven't, but it's something that I am taking on this year.

I can follow a recipe, without problems, it's cooking more than one thing at a time that tends to overwhelm me. For example, I can cook breakfast but I have to do one thing at a time instead of cooking the eggs, bacon & toast all at the same time...I just don't have the mental capacity to do that, or the sanity, I don't know which!!! LOL...That's why I like to cook things like spaghetti, it's a one at a time kind of dish. First, you cook the noodles, but you can cook the meat while the noodles are going & you don't have to watch them. So, I can concentrate on cooking the meat. The seasoning is a problem though. I am not a big fan of salt. If I am salting my food, I either don't like it or can't taste it & would rather taste the salt. I realize that lots of food have salt but I don't add to it. I like potato chips & french fries & things with salt but I have been known to shake off some of the salt, on fries anyway. I get the big pretzels without salt if I can...but I digress. Anyway, I can cook the meat & then I usually just add the canned sauce & extra mushrooms. Then I drain the noodles & add the sauce & meat to the noodles. This is the ritual since I've been married, my mom doesn't do it that way. She keeps the noodles separate & mixes the sauce & the meat. This is for Bekah, I think, she's not a huge fan of the sauce...it's a Bekah thing!!! She likes the noodles by themselves better...she's a carb girl!!! She's healthy though so it obviously works for her!!!

I would like to try to make my own spaghetti sauce but that is a scary thing for me. I am not good with different flavors & knowing what to mix together...although I think that's the point. Cooking, like everything else is a learning experience. I did my first cooking experiment the other day with ramen noodles. I didn't want to eat them in the common way so I thought I would try something different. I used olive oil & butter in a sauce pan & cooked them that way. I added salt & pepper & then kept adding things until I thought that it tasted good. It did taste good but it needed something, what, I have no idea, but it was lacking overall. I still ate it & the dogs loved it. I thought that was a compliment because they, unlike most dogs, won't eat just anything!!! Bruce hates Fritos so there you go. Anyway, they ate it so it couldn't have been all bad. I wish Bobby had been able to taste it, he might have been able to tell me what it needed.

Anyway, that's my thoughts on the movie...now I want to read the book. Once I have read the book I will let you know what I think....until then! Au revoir!

I decided that I wanted to make boeuf bourguignon but found that I didn't have the slightest idea how to spell it, so I looked it up...found several recipes on foodnetwork.com & decided that perhaps I am crazy!!! I checked out Rachael Ray's recipe thinking that it would be the easiest & didn't even finish reading all the ingredients. Plus, I don't have the right kind of pot to make it in so...there...I'm not gonna do it...for now! :)

I just realized...

I was watching a video on You Tube by Kandee, the makeup artist & I realized something. There are a lot of things that I want to do that I haven't done. I'm in my early 30's...because I haven't reached my mid thirties yet, I'm about to be 33 on the 25th! Anyway, I am still young & there are things that I want to do. Basically, I have decided that this is when I start to really live my life. It's sad that it's taken me this long to realize this, I know, but at least I did.

There are a lot of things that I am grateful for, I should say that first because I don't want anyone to think that I'm ungrateful for the wonderful things in my life thus far! I have a great family!!! My mom & dad are awesome!!! They have supported me in every endeavor thus far, even when I was being a little bit crazy, like wanting to go to law school, they supported me. (There's nothing wrong with law school, it's just not for me, I'm a medical person!) My brother & sisters are awesome too. They have always been there for me & supported me as well. They have been my cheerleaders & for that, I am eternally grateful. I am grateful for my extended family which includes aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents & all the in-laws. I have an exceptional relationship with my in-laws & for that I am truly grateful! They are awesome, I could not have done better if I'd sent out applications!!! I am most grateful for the awesome man that I am married to!!! He is my world, heart & soul. He supports me completely & believes in me completely! He is amazing & I am most grateful for him!!!

With all that being said, I am not totally fulfilled in my life, perhaps by choice but I decided that I am making a list of things that I want to do, a bucket list if you will. I chose 5 things that I have always wanted to do & I am going to see if I can't accomplish those in the next years of my life. I am not putting a time limit on them as some of them are going to take some time to accomplish! I know that some of this stems from wanting to make a difference in the world, I want to leave my mark. It may not be one that everyone remembers but it will be memorable to some & perhaps it will touch someone in just the way they need!

First, I want to go to Italy. This stems from the movie "Only You" with Robert Downey, Jr & Marisa Tomei. Marisa's character, Hope, goes to Italy after the man that she thinks she's supposed to marry, only to find the actual man she's supposed to marry. Anyway, the scenery is unbelievable & I decided, after that movie, that I have to go there. Besides, it's a super romantic place & who doesn't love that???

Second, I want to write a book. Authors & authoresses (if that's a word) seem very intelligent to me...I want to be that person. I want to be literary, because I just do. I read a book called, The Tender Bar by J.R. Moehringer & I loved it. It was one of those books that I chose mainly because of the cover & it was cheap, I got it at Waldenbooks in Oklahoma City in the "1/2 off" bin. Anyway, it inspired me because it is simply the story of this man's life & yet it was fascinating, to me anyway. So, I decided that if this ordinary person could write a book, so can I. I have an idea for a story but I'm not telling what it is...you'll just have to find out when it's published...

Third, I want to play in a major poker tournament. I would love to play in the World Series of Poker. I don't know if I would win or not, if I did that would be really cool but I just want to play. I am decent at poker & I have pretty good luck in Vegas anyway. My family went to Vegas last December & I played in 2 tournaments. One at MGM Grand & the other at Treasure Island. I didn't win either of them but I tied for 9th or 10th place at MGM Grand & I got a royal flush in spades in that tournament. It was unbelievable!!! I wish I had the presence of mind to take a picture of that hand but I wasn't sure that was acceptable & I was too chicken to ask...LOL...yeah, that was my very first real poker tournament but I LOVED it!!!

Fourth, I want to have a bit part either in a major tv series or a movie. I would love to be on Ghost Whisperer as Delia's sister!!! I love Camryn Manheim & I think that we could pass for sisters, especially in the television world!!! This is going to be somewhat harder to accomplish because obviously, you can't just walk onto a set & demand a part but I have a friend who's trying to break into the entertainment business so perhaps she can give me some tips. Besides, I'm persistent, maybe they'll do it just to get me to leave them alone!!! LOL...I don't mean that I'll be a stalker or do anything illegal, I'll just be persistent!!!

Last but not least, I really want to sing in front of a huge audience. I don't necessarily want to be standing in the center of some huge football field with all eyes on me but I want to sing. I would love to sing The Star Spangled Banner at the Super Bowl for instance. I don't really know how exactly to accomplish that either but I will find out, and I will do it. Again, I don't really want to do it where everyone can see me but I want to be able to do it!!!

Ok, those are my 5 things...what do you, my faithful readers, think??? Seriously, what do you think? Please be nice but be honest!!! Thanks!!!