Waiting for the other shoe to drop...

I'm getting this distinct feeling that something bad is about to happen. It almost feels like I'm doomed since nothing bad really happened to me while I was in nursing school and karma is out to get me because of that. During nursing school, whenever anything bad would happen, everyone would say, "If it's going to happen, it's going to happen while you're in nursing school". I was grateful that nothing did happen to me...but now I feel like I'm going to pay for it, and I don't really know why.


I'm not really a pessimist but I just can't shake this feeling. I've got a lot going on right now and I take state boards in four days...which totally freaks me out. It makes me feel like I'm going to fail boards but that's nothing compared to what's coming after that. It almost feels like I'm going to lose someone close to me and I don't like this feeling!!! It's not fear though, I'm not afraid that something bad is going to happen, I just feel like it is. 


I wish whatever it is would get on with it. I don't want to have to deal with anything bad but really, I'd rather it just happen so that I can get on with my life...if I can, depending on what happens...


I just hate feeling this way...

Update on PYHO

Well, hub's grandma is much better. When we talked to the doctor yesterday, he said that she might no longer be hospice appropriate for now. Obviously, with the dementia, she will eventually need to be on hospice if she doesn't get back in the same shape that she was when they sent her to the hospital this time. She was severely dehydrated...so much so that it caused her to be in acute renal failure, which really just ticks me off. She is bedridden at the moment because she has a fractured pelvis so she can't get up to the dining room like she used to. She had actually gone up two sizes in her clothes because she was eating so well. However, after she fractured her pelvis, things just went downhill. She is/was the picture of neglect which is very very hard for me. The nursing home that she currently lives in is rated really badly by the medical community. It's because of their medical director. First of all, he doesn't believe in hospice, that says a lot to me. Hospice is a wonderful place. It's a philosophy of care that involves quality of life, not quantity of treatment. I was a hospice skeptic until I worked for hospice and then I saw what a ministry it really is. It touches families at the end of a life, which is just as important as the beginning of life. It's an amazing place to work. Yes, it can be very sad but it is amazingly fulfilling. I was amazed by it and I am involved with the different community things that they do as I can. Next weekend, I'm going to Sky Camp which is a bereavement camp for kids. I helped out the summer before last and it was incredible. 


Anyway, this post was mainly to say that hub's grandma is better! I appreciate your kind words!!! Have a great weekend!!!

Pour Your Heart Out: I don't know what to do...

I feel like I should do something about the hub's grandma. She fell and fractured her pelvis and is now in the hospital, doing very poorly. The doctor is recommending hospice, which I agree with, but not everyone does. The nurse from the nursing home said that they have recommended hospice for 4 out of the last 5 patients that they have sent to the hospital. I figured that the doctors would say that, I think it may be time...I just don't know how to convince them.

"Hospice is where they kill them slowly and don't feed them". This is what the hubs uncle said. Clearly, he knows nothing about hospice...because that is not at all what they do. I worked for a hospice for 2 years and trust me, we did feed our patients, as long as they could eat. We gave them medicine to stimulate their appetite. However, as the body shuts down, it no longer requires food, it's shunting the blood to the heart, lungs and brain. Nothing else matters and the body knows this. That's why the hands and feet get cold, they stop getting blood supply. That's how the body was designed to shut down. This is a very natural process.

Trust me, this is not what I would choose, if there were a better alternative, but there isn't. The truth of the matter is that this boils down to quality, not quantity, of life. That is the hospice philosophy, not to kill patients. Hospice does NOT equal assisted suicide. It's not even close to the same thing. People do go to hospice for end of life care. They are given morphine to help with their pain. They may become addicted to the morphine, but does that really matter? If someone has a terminal disease, do they not have the right to have their pain controlled?

Now for the matter of morphine. Yes, sometimes, the morphine does cause their respirations to stop but that isn't the intention when it's given. The doctors and nurses watch the patients very carefully and try to titrate the morphine to control the pain. Sometimes, the morphine does give the patient enough relief to let go, but not always. If the patient has "unfinished business", they usually need some kind of confirmation from their family that it's okay to let go. They need to hear that, they have a right to hear that. Granted, I don't want to ever have to say those words again but I may. Hub's grandma told me today that she saw Jesus and that she wanted to go with him. I told her it was okay for her to go and then I told my father-in-law that he needed to tell her too.

It breaks my heart to have to say that to her...I don't want her to die. Even more so, I don't want her to suffer and live with pain. I want her to be happy and not hurting. I want her to have quality of life, which she did, until she fell and fractured her pelvis. If I could rewind the clock, I would. It just doesn't work that way. I wish that it did, but it doesn't. Plus, it's not my call. I don't get to decide who lives and dies and when it happens. All I can do is facilitate comfort and dignity, even in death.

I know this is very heavy stuff but it's what's on my mind and in my heart. I know that hospice is the right choice for her. It's not my decision to make though. I don't know how to tell them that it is. This doctor that is making that recommendation was very nice and very good. He gave me his personal cell phone number and told me to call him with any questions or concerns. Perhaps he can convince them...but we will see.

I just wish I knew what to say...

PYHO--There's always something...

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This is a great way to get things off your chest, if you're interested, go link up with Shell and pour your heart out! Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)

Yesterday, I went and bought some new clothes. Well, they were new to me but I bought them from someone on Craigslist. I was looking for capris and none of them fit...which sucks. I have been losing weight and that just let me down.

This morning, I finally got an email back from the hospital that I'm wanting to work for and my references aren't the shining references I expected. That really bummed me out, even though I appreciated the recruiter being honest with me. It hurt my feelings too because when I speak to these references, they always speak really highly of me so I'm a little confused.

Wow...I hate when blogger screws up, it really annoys me!!! Anyway, yesterday, my boss essentially called me a liar. It made me really mad. I may be a lot of things but I am not a liar. The worst part of it is, she gets mad when I tell the truth. It's one of those damned if I don't, damned if I do situations and it's very frustrating. The worst part of it is, the one who suffers is my patient, which is hard for me. Sometimes when she makes me mad, I want to tell her all the things that she is doing that are just wrong but I don't. Some would say that I don't understand because I don't have to deal with the things that she does, however, I can assure you, I would do things differently. I wouldn't consider my family an "obligation" and those are her words, not mine. Don't misunderstand, I understand that families are not perfect and there are situations that I might think differently in but this is not one of those. Taking care of a family member when they can't take care of themselves isn't an "obligation", it's a responsibility. That, to me, is a huge difference. It's essentially taking care of someone with special needs who is physically, mentally and emotionally unable to care for themselves. They didn't choose to be this way, and while it is a difficult responsibility and it isn't what we would choose, we have to do the right thing in this situation and she does not. The majority of the time, she doesn't. She's a control freak to a fault. Don't misunderstand, I'm far from perfect in that area but I don't think that I am more important than other people. I treat everyone as a person and I want to do the best that I can, this is part of what drove me to become a nurse. I believe that everyone deserves the very best treatment regardless of who they are or what they've done. That being said, I choose not to work in certain places, such as a prison, because I don't feel like that is the right situation for me. However, if I have to care for a prisoner in my nursing career, they will get the same care as anyone else that I ever take care of. Sure, they've made poor choices and I may not necessarily like them but they still deserve to receive the best care that I can give and that's what they'll get. This is not the situation that I work in now. It makes me very sad and angry. However, I can't change the situation so I will continue to voice my opinion and do the right thing and hope that I can facilitate some change.

But, I digress...I say all of this to say, that there's always something going on that I don't like or that I don't want to deal with. However, there's always a bright side. Ultimately, I'm going to have a job as a nurse and I will be helping people!!! I'm in that process, which is always tough, but I know that I am going to land where I am supposed to be. I will take that experience and get the most that I can from it. Obviously, it won't be perfect but then again, there's always something! :) Have a great Wednesday everyone!!!

I miss PINT so I'm doing it on my own...lol



Friday Confessional...warning, this is pretty depressing...

I'm bummed today...it's not been the greatest day for me. I'm trying really hard not to let it get to me but it does. Most of my friends have gotten their authorization to test from the board and have their NCLEX scheduled but I don't have mine. I called and talked to the board this morning and the lady I spoke to said it would probably be next week...but I want it to be today. It's not fair, I think I deserve to be testing with my friends and working and getting a job, but I'm not. And it bums me out...

I'm sitting here, in a sweat shirt, in May watching "The Chamber" and thinking that at least I'm not sitting on death row...and that I'm not a part of all of that kind of madness but that doesn't really make me feel better about my situation...so what does that say about me? Does that mean that I'm a selfish bad person because I'm more concerned about myself and my situation than anything else that's going on in the world right now? Maybe so, but I have to live in my world and I have to deal with what's going on in my world and right now, I can see nothing but myself and my problems...I am pathetic but right now, it's what and who I am. I know that I will feel better tomorrow, maybe even later today but right now, my life sucks and I just want to lay around and be a bum today.

Sorry this is so depressing...I just feel crappy today. My blog should be more upbeat tomorrow...

Update: I got two cards in the mail today congratulating me on my graduation and I got a little cash. Plus, I have great family and friends who love me!!! The day is looking up!!! :)

Patience is a virtue

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Or so I'm told repeatedly...and yet, I find that I generally have none. It's very annoying, even to me and yet, I have a hard time "fixing" it. Obviously, I'm getting better with age but I don't know if I'll ever master it...so there it is...lol

I graduated on May 12 and am still waiting on my graduate nurse (gn) permit and my authorization to test to take boards. It's driving me crazy. I checked today and then found out soon after that everything should be in place by next Friday or a few days after. WOOHOO!!!! That's so exciting and scary as hell all at the same time. Of course, I am still waiting on the hospital to call me to confirm that I have a job. I'm fairly certain that I do, they did check my references and all. It's been several weeks though and I am running out of patience. I know that the hiring process for this hospital is a long one, I've worked there in the past...but it still drives me crazy.

The upside is that I will be able to stabilize financially soon. That's super exciting. I say stabilize with reverence however because obviously, there is no quick financial fix. If there were, then I would have already done that, along with the rest of the world. That isn't how things work though so I have a plan and help. I will also have people to hold me accountable. I hope that my followers will help me with that some as I'm sure that I'll blog about my struggles.

On that note, I'm going to make a list for the store...for things that I actually need!!! ;)