Pour Your Heart Out: I don't know what to do...

I feel like I should do something about the hub's grandma. She fell and fractured her pelvis and is now in the hospital, doing very poorly. The doctor is recommending hospice, which I agree with, but not everyone does. The nurse from the nursing home said that they have recommended hospice for 4 out of the last 5 patients that they have sent to the hospital. I figured that the doctors would say that, I think it may be time...I just don't know how to convince them.

"Hospice is where they kill them slowly and don't feed them". This is what the hubs uncle said. Clearly, he knows nothing about hospice...because that is not at all what they do. I worked for a hospice for 2 years and trust me, we did feed our patients, as long as they could eat. We gave them medicine to stimulate their appetite. However, as the body shuts down, it no longer requires food, it's shunting the blood to the heart, lungs and brain. Nothing else matters and the body knows this. That's why the hands and feet get cold, they stop getting blood supply. That's how the body was designed to shut down. This is a very natural process.

Trust me, this is not what I would choose, if there were a better alternative, but there isn't. The truth of the matter is that this boils down to quality, not quantity, of life. That is the hospice philosophy, not to kill patients. Hospice does NOT equal assisted suicide. It's not even close to the same thing. People do go to hospice for end of life care. They are given morphine to help with their pain. They may become addicted to the morphine, but does that really matter? If someone has a terminal disease, do they not have the right to have their pain controlled?

Now for the matter of morphine. Yes, sometimes, the morphine does cause their respirations to stop but that isn't the intention when it's given. The doctors and nurses watch the patients very carefully and try to titrate the morphine to control the pain. Sometimes, the morphine does give the patient enough relief to let go, but not always. If the patient has "unfinished business", they usually need some kind of confirmation from their family that it's okay to let go. They need to hear that, they have a right to hear that. Granted, I don't want to ever have to say those words again but I may. Hub's grandma told me today that she saw Jesus and that she wanted to go with him. I told her it was okay for her to go and then I told my father-in-law that he needed to tell her too.

It breaks my heart to have to say that to her...I don't want her to die. Even more so, I don't want her to suffer and live with pain. I want her to be happy and not hurting. I want her to have quality of life, which she did, until she fell and fractured her pelvis. If I could rewind the clock, I would. It just doesn't work that way. I wish that it did, but it doesn't. Plus, it's not my call. I don't get to decide who lives and dies and when it happens. All I can do is facilitate comfort and dignity, even in death.

I know this is very heavy stuff but it's what's on my mind and in my heart. I know that hospice is the right choice for her. It's not my decision to make though. I don't know how to tell them that it is. This doctor that is making that recommendation was very nice and very good. He gave me his personal cell phone number and told me to call him with any questions or concerns. Perhaps he can convince them...but we will see.

I just wish I knew what to say...

PYHO--There's always something...

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This is a great way to get things off your chest, if you're interested, go link up with Shell and pour your heart out! Again, just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should all be respectful in our comments. ;)

Yesterday, I went and bought some new clothes. Well, they were new to me but I bought them from someone on Craigslist. I was looking for capris and none of them fit...which sucks. I have been losing weight and that just let me down.

This morning, I finally got an email back from the hospital that I'm wanting to work for and my references aren't the shining references I expected. That really bummed me out, even though I appreciated the recruiter being honest with me. It hurt my feelings too because when I speak to these references, they always speak really highly of me so I'm a little confused.

Wow...I hate when blogger screws up, it really annoys me!!! Anyway, yesterday, my boss essentially called me a liar. It made me really mad. I may be a lot of things but I am not a liar. The worst part of it is, she gets mad when I tell the truth. It's one of those damned if I don't, damned if I do situations and it's very frustrating. The worst part of it is, the one who suffers is my patient, which is hard for me. Sometimes when she makes me mad, I want to tell her all the things that she is doing that are just wrong but I don't. Some would say that I don't understand because I don't have to deal with the things that she does, however, I can assure you, I would do things differently. I wouldn't consider my family an "obligation" and those are her words, not mine. Don't misunderstand, I understand that families are not perfect and there are situations that I might think differently in but this is not one of those. Taking care of a family member when they can't take care of themselves isn't an "obligation", it's a responsibility. That, to me, is a huge difference. It's essentially taking care of someone with special needs who is physically, mentally and emotionally unable to care for themselves. They didn't choose to be this way, and while it is a difficult responsibility and it isn't what we would choose, we have to do the right thing in this situation and she does not. The majority of the time, she doesn't. She's a control freak to a fault. Don't misunderstand, I'm far from perfect in that area but I don't think that I am more important than other people. I treat everyone as a person and I want to do the best that I can, this is part of what drove me to become a nurse. I believe that everyone deserves the very best treatment regardless of who they are or what they've done. That being said, I choose not to work in certain places, such as a prison, because I don't feel like that is the right situation for me. However, if I have to care for a prisoner in my nursing career, they will get the same care as anyone else that I ever take care of. Sure, they've made poor choices and I may not necessarily like them but they still deserve to receive the best care that I can give and that's what they'll get. This is not the situation that I work in now. It makes me very sad and angry. However, I can't change the situation so I will continue to voice my opinion and do the right thing and hope that I can facilitate some change.

But, I digress...I say all of this to say, that there's always something going on that I don't like or that I don't want to deal with. However, there's always a bright side. Ultimately, I'm going to have a job as a nurse and I will be helping people!!! I'm in that process, which is always tough, but I know that I am going to land where I am supposed to be. I will take that experience and get the most that I can from it. Obviously, it won't be perfect but then again, there's always something! :) Have a great Wednesday everyone!!!

I miss PINT so I'm doing it on my own...lol



Friday Confessional...warning, this is pretty depressing...

I'm bummed today...it's not been the greatest day for me. I'm trying really hard not to let it get to me but it does. Most of my friends have gotten their authorization to test from the board and have their NCLEX scheduled but I don't have mine. I called and talked to the board this morning and the lady I spoke to said it would probably be next week...but I want it to be today. It's not fair, I think I deserve to be testing with my friends and working and getting a job, but I'm not. And it bums me out...

I'm sitting here, in a sweat shirt, in May watching "The Chamber" and thinking that at least I'm not sitting on death row...and that I'm not a part of all of that kind of madness but that doesn't really make me feel better about my situation...so what does that say about me? Does that mean that I'm a selfish bad person because I'm more concerned about myself and my situation than anything else that's going on in the world right now? Maybe so, but I have to live in my world and I have to deal with what's going on in my world and right now, I can see nothing but myself and my problems...I am pathetic but right now, it's what and who I am. I know that I will feel better tomorrow, maybe even later today but right now, my life sucks and I just want to lay around and be a bum today.

Sorry this is so depressing...I just feel crappy today. My blog should be more upbeat tomorrow...

Update: I got two cards in the mail today congratulating me on my graduation and I got a little cash. Plus, I have great family and friends who love me!!! The day is looking up!!! :)

Patience is a virtue

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Or so I'm told repeatedly...and yet, I find that I generally have none. It's very annoying, even to me and yet, I have a hard time "fixing" it. Obviously, I'm getting better with age but I don't know if I'll ever master it...so there it is...lol

I graduated on May 12 and am still waiting on my graduate nurse (gn) permit and my authorization to test to take boards. It's driving me crazy. I checked today and then found out soon after that everything should be in place by next Friday or a few days after. WOOHOO!!!! That's so exciting and scary as hell all at the same time. Of course, I am still waiting on the hospital to call me to confirm that I have a job. I'm fairly certain that I do, they did check my references and all. It's been several weeks though and I am running out of patience. I know that the hiring process for this hospital is a long one, I've worked there in the past...but it still drives me crazy.

The upside is that I will be able to stabilize financially soon. That's super exciting. I say stabilize with reverence however because obviously, there is no quick financial fix. If there were, then I would have already done that, along with the rest of the world. That isn't how things work though so I have a plan and help. I will also have people to hold me accountable. I hope that my followers will help me with that some as I'm sure that I'll blog about my struggles.

On that note, I'm going to make a list for the store...for things that I actually need!!! ;)

I DID IT!!!!

It's official, nursing school is OVER!!! I'm excited and scared all at the same time. I think I might be going crazy. My tear ducts are working overtime as I think back on these past two years. I have finished the hardest thing I've ever done...now what? It's still pretty surreal at this point but at this time tomorrow, it will be for real. I'm getting pinned tomorrow. Wow, that's shocking but awesome and scary. I know that I will be bawling my eyes out for the whole thing, it's super emotional. The hubs and I were talking about it earlier and I started crying...so I told him we had to talk about something else.

Even as I sit here writing this, I keep tearing up. These are a combination of happy and sad tears. A chapter of my life is ending and a new one is beginning. And I thought nursing school put me on overload...but this, this is something new. Tomorrow, I will stand there with my classmates as we graduate from nursing school. It's amazing and I still don't really believe it. I took my last final today and that didn't even seem real. I realized, after I left the parking lot, that it was the last time I would ever be there. It made me sad and excited at the same time. I'm not finished with my education by far but I have taken a huge step and it keeps hitting me over and over.

In a little over a month, I have to take the mother of all tests. I will be taking the NCLEX-RN which is the national test for nurses. Then I'll be an RN for real. Right now, I'm a graduate nurse even though I can't practice as one until next month...which sucks but hey, it is what it is and there's nothing I can do about it. As I sit here thinking about that test, my throat gets a little tight, once I take that test, it's as real as it can possibly get...and I'm not sure that I'm ready. I mean, intellectually, I know that I am but it's just scary as hell. Once I take that test, I am responsible for people's lives...and that's a huge responsibility. I take that very seriously which makes it even scarier.

So there it is, I finished school. I'm going to be able to work as a nurse in a month. Then I take the mother of all tests and I'll be a real nurse...it's crazy, but worth it!

 




1 - Where aside from a toilet have you taken a dump? Explain.


The forest on a camping trip.


2 - At this point do you really think that Magic Johnson has HIV/AIDS?

I don't know...I would have thought it would have gone into full blown aids by now so I'm thinking not.


3 - Would you wrestle a member of the same sex, nude, in pudding for 10 minutes for one million dollars?

Are we talking tax free? For sure that way but perhaps even if not...it is a million dollars after all!!!



4 - Squash just doesn't sound very tasty. What say you?

I love squash...all of it!!! :)


and finally...



5 - Is it worth the effort?

Depends on what I'm making an effort for...Nursing school has been worth the effort...I think...lol