It's been quite a while since I've blogged...school has got me super busy. It's almost the end of the semester. I have about a week break and then right into summer school. Then another short break and into the fall semester. Over the summer break, after class, I am going to Lubbock to see my 2nd nephew be born. My first niece will be born while I am in my summer class. I want to go see her, the minute she's born, but I won't get to because sometimes, things just don't work out the way that we want them to. I didn't get to see Joseph until a few hours after he was born either. Mom got to see him be born though, she said it was amazing. I'm sure that the new baby boy will be amazing as will Miss Deborah. If only I would win the powerball, then I would be able to go and see whenever I feel like it! However, in order to win the powerball, I must play and that's a challenge in and of itself...LOL...oh well!
I miss blogging when I don't get to. It's my outlet. Sometimes it's easier to say the things I want to say here than to say them out loud. Even though, this is "out loud" in a lot of ways, I'm not actually speaking the words, which is sometimes a good thing. I am grateful that, for the most part, I can control my brain/mouth filter. Sometimes I can't, and I hurt people. I don't intend to, but, it happens. Plus, I use words, spoken or otherwise, to work things out. I wonder about myself sometimes because I worry needlessly. I freak out about things that aren't really that big of a deal. I am way too hard on myself, no one else is nearly as hard on me as I am. Even Bobby tells me to lay off myself, but sometimes, I just can't. It's one of those things. It's back to the freaking out about things that don't matter. Case in point, my grades. I usually make really good grades and I am barely hanging on by a thread in my med surg class. It totally freaks me out if I allow myself to think about it. However, it dawned on me the other day that I am worrying about it too much. If I continue that course, I will make myself fail. Seriously, I will pass this class and I am going on to level 3. I am going to make it to my summer class and to graduation next May!!! I have to think positive and I have to study some more...I study but not enough but even still, I don't know that it will make me pass with flying colors. I just can't fail a test or I will be in trouble. So, I am going to think positive and get through it!
Ok, I have to head back to the hospital now. My mom-in-law had a femoral bypass today and said she would like some company tonight while everyone's bowling. Then I have to go pick up my "niece" at gymnastics. Then we're going to stay with the pop-in-law while mom-in-law's in the hospital. Anyway, I just wanted to say hello to the blogsphere and post a little blog. Have a great rest of the week folks!!!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
Addiction...
I have an addiction, not a drug addiction. Actually, it is a drug but it's a legal one. I don't even know what's brought it on but it's there and it's one that at this time in my life, I cannot afford. I am addicted to iced coffee. I cannot afford this in more than one way, financially and physically. There is a heck of a lot of calories in iced coffee, from Starbucks. I'm sure that all the other coffee places in town have just as many calories but they haven't posted them online nor do they have an iphone app so who knows? I did figure out, caloriewise, that switching to nonfat milk saves a ton of fat and calories so I have been doing that. Starbucks has a new coffee that I love though, the dark cherry mocha. I am all about mocha anyway but add raspberry or cherry flavor and well, "you had me at hello". Ha!!!
I think this addiction started from watching "Weeds", a series on Showtime that the hubby and I have recently started watching on Netflix. Nancy Botwin, the main character, leads a fairly idyllic life in Agrestic. She is a pot dealer but doesn't do drugs herself, other than caffeine. She drinks enough caffeine that it's equivalent to crack. It's either iced coffee or diet coke. Usually it's the iced coffee though, which is the only thing that I can connect my sudden addiction to. It's quite strange to me that I am that affected by that show though. There are two movies that tend to have an effect on me that way too. Every time I watch "First Wives Club" or "My Best Friend's Wedding" I get this crazy urge to smoke. I am not a smoker but those shows make me want to have a cigarette either during or after watching them. I don't know why, that's just what I want after watching them. Whenever I watch "Sex and the City" I want to eat...I think it's because they eat a lot in that show. Anyway, I have always wondered how these subtle things can trigger my brain the way that they do, it's just weird.
I think this addiction started from watching "Weeds", a series on Showtime that the hubby and I have recently started watching on Netflix. Nancy Botwin, the main character, leads a fairly idyllic life in Agrestic. She is a pot dealer but doesn't do drugs herself, other than caffeine. She drinks enough caffeine that it's equivalent to crack. It's either iced coffee or diet coke. Usually it's the iced coffee though, which is the only thing that I can connect my sudden addiction to. It's quite strange to me that I am that affected by that show though. There are two movies that tend to have an effect on me that way too. Every time I watch "First Wives Club" or "My Best Friend's Wedding" I get this crazy urge to smoke. I am not a smoker but those shows make me want to have a cigarette either during or after watching them. I don't know why, that's just what I want after watching them. Whenever I watch "Sex and the City" I want to eat...I think it's because they eat a lot in that show. Anyway, I have always wondered how these subtle things can trigger my brain the way that they do, it's just weird.
Hakuna Matata!
I was in a serious funk this week...and I don't really know why. I think part of it was I kept looking at my fellow humankind and waiting for them to be human, but they weren't, they were self-centered assholes. So, I got depressed, which is something I have a tendency to do. Then I start to wallow and be all pathetic until I can't stand myself. So yesterday, I decided to suck it up. I also read several blogs about other people's struggles and decided that mine aren't so bad. Yeah, I have a lot of stress right now being a nursing student but that will go away when I graduate next May. Then it will be on to the stress of actually being a nurse and having people's lives in my hands. LOL!!! I guess I decided that getting all mired down and whiny just isn't going to cut it. I am going to be positive. Someone just may need to remind me from time to time.
All in all, people really aren't bad, we just get caught up in ourselves, which is normal, we are pretty selfish creatures. However, not every single one of us is so wrapped up in our lives that we forget the simple things. My hubby told me that when I start to feel like that, I need to get out of the house and go for a walk or something. He said to go do something that makes me happy. Unfortunately, most of the things that make me happy require money, which is something we don't have a lot of these days. It's by choice though, I'm not working full time or really even part time so that I can concentrate on school. I am trying to get a job though because I would like to be able to move straight into a nursing position once I graduate, not that I'll have a problem. I'm ready to be in that phase because the idea of being able to have an iced latte any time I damn well please appeals to me. Yeah, I'm still stuck on iced lattes...don't ask, it's an addiction that I don't have the time or energy to explain. Plus, were I to explain this sudden onset of addiction, my faithful readers would be able to confirm that I had/have lost my mind and I just can't have that. I need you people to see me as somewhat sane, even though I'm really not!
So, as we go into the weekend folks, let's lift our chins and smile. This is going to be a great spring and summer season. I hope you have a super, fun-filled weekend, I know I will!
All in all, people really aren't bad, we just get caught up in ourselves, which is normal, we are pretty selfish creatures. However, not every single one of us is so wrapped up in our lives that we forget the simple things. My hubby told me that when I start to feel like that, I need to get out of the house and go for a walk or something. He said to go do something that makes me happy. Unfortunately, most of the things that make me happy require money, which is something we don't have a lot of these days. It's by choice though, I'm not working full time or really even part time so that I can concentrate on school. I am trying to get a job though because I would like to be able to move straight into a nursing position once I graduate, not that I'll have a problem. I'm ready to be in that phase because the idea of being able to have an iced latte any time I damn well please appeals to me. Yeah, I'm still stuck on iced lattes...don't ask, it's an addiction that I don't have the time or energy to explain. Plus, were I to explain this sudden onset of addiction, my faithful readers would be able to confirm that I had/have lost my mind and I just can't have that. I need you people to see me as somewhat sane, even though I'm really not!
So, as we go into the weekend folks, let's lift our chins and smile. This is going to be a great spring and summer season. I hope you have a super, fun-filled weekend, I know I will!
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Cynicism
This hasn't been the greatest week for me as far as people are concerned. Everywhere I turn I see self-important, no one else matters, people. Unfortunately, at times, I have to include myself in that statement. Overall, however, I tend to understand that the world does not revolve around me no matter how badly I wish for it. Plus, I also understand that the choices I make can sometimes affect those around me adversely and so I try not to just think of myself. This week has made my efforts increasingly hard.
I have had several near misses in my car because someone, at the last minute, decides to cut across three lanes of traffic or decides to turn right in front of me or someone else, without slowing down or using their blinker. They just slam on their brakes and then have the audacity to flip the person behind them off. Yesterday, I was heading to lunch with Bobby and there was a young girl in her yellow aveo not paying attention and going very slow. I went around her and then, as I was passing her, she sped up but I had already almost passed her so I sped up as well and went on...she flipped me off. I thought about slowing down and getting behind her and following her to wherever she was headed and letting her know that it wasn't my fault that she didn't pay attention when she drove, instead I smiled and waved and went about my way. I really hoped that it made her furious, I still hope that. I am so sick of self-serving, self-important teenagers that I can't see straight.
Yesterday, my neighbor across the alley, her dogs got out. She has two little weenie dogs. I am a big dog lover and would like to think that my neighbors would keep my dogs from running onto our super busy street and getting run over but I doubt it. I know that my next door neighbor would, because he has. The other three people in our neighborhood that I have kept their dogs, could give less of a crap, therefore, I am no longer inclined to save their dogs. I will though, I can't fault an innocent animal it's owner, they don't have a choice. Anyway, I said all of that to say that yesterday, after a phone call, the girl came to get her dogs and she didn't even say thanks. She wasn't even grateful, as if that was my duty to keep her dogs. Next time, I'll just take them to the pound with no note if that's how she wants to be. Although, I hate to think that they would be put down because they are sweet dogs. They just deserve a better owner. Oh well, I am tired of people right now. I will try to avoid them for the next few days, overall and perhaps my optimistic outlook will return. We shall see.
I have had several near misses in my car because someone, at the last minute, decides to cut across three lanes of traffic or decides to turn right in front of me or someone else, without slowing down or using their blinker. They just slam on their brakes and then have the audacity to flip the person behind them off. Yesterday, I was heading to lunch with Bobby and there was a young girl in her yellow aveo not paying attention and going very slow. I went around her and then, as I was passing her, she sped up but I had already almost passed her so I sped up as well and went on...she flipped me off. I thought about slowing down and getting behind her and following her to wherever she was headed and letting her know that it wasn't my fault that she didn't pay attention when she drove, instead I smiled and waved and went about my way. I really hoped that it made her furious, I still hope that. I am so sick of self-serving, self-important teenagers that I can't see straight.
Yesterday, my neighbor across the alley, her dogs got out. She has two little weenie dogs. I am a big dog lover and would like to think that my neighbors would keep my dogs from running onto our super busy street and getting run over but I doubt it. I know that my next door neighbor would, because he has. The other three people in our neighborhood that I have kept their dogs, could give less of a crap, therefore, I am no longer inclined to save their dogs. I will though, I can't fault an innocent animal it's owner, they don't have a choice. Anyway, I said all of that to say that yesterday, after a phone call, the girl came to get her dogs and she didn't even say thanks. She wasn't even grateful, as if that was my duty to keep her dogs. Next time, I'll just take them to the pound with no note if that's how she wants to be. Although, I hate to think that they would be put down because they are sweet dogs. They just deserve a better owner. Oh well, I am tired of people right now. I will try to avoid them for the next few days, overall and perhaps my optimistic outlook will return. We shall see.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Ghosts
I am sitting here watching a marathon of "Ghost Whisperer" on Syfy and it got me to thinking about ghosts. So I decided to write about them. Let me preface this by saying that I do not, in any way, consider myself a paranormal expert, I don't own any equipment, I have just had experiences in the past. I haven't had any scary experiences or experiences where I felt unsafe. I wouldn't say that I wasn't initially scared but then, my sense clicked in and the "scary" feeling went away.
My first experience was in the 3rd grade at my friend's house. She had told me that she had a ghost at her house which I didn't believe because at the time I didn't believe in ghosts at the time. I believe that the previous owner of the house that my friend's family was living in at the time passed away in the house, from old age. If I remember correctly, she was just alone when she died. Anyway, my friend told me that the ghost would knock her chalkboard off of the wall which I thought was absurd. I went over to spend the night one night and heard someone walking down the hall. I assumed that it was one of her parents coming to check on us. As the person entered the room, I looked over out of the corner of my eye to see a whitish figure in a "dressing gown". I think she knew that I was awake because I saw her go over to the chalkboard but instead of just knocking it off the wall she just took it down and set it on the dresser or whatever was under it. It turned out, I think, that a picture of her son had hung there so my friend moved her chalkboard and that was the end of that. However, I was a believer because this is something that I saw with my own eyes.
The second encounter that I had was with a ghost that lived at the top of the stairs in our house in Frisco, CO. I never did see this one but I always felt a benign presence there, from the time we moved in. That door was always locked because it led to the upper house where my landlady lived. One of our good friend's dog, Shiba, would always go sit at the bottom of the stairs and just look up. She never barked or growled, she would just sit, as if she were listening to someone. I think I even remember her cocking her head from time to time. My cat would bolt through there as if she were scared to death. Anyway, one day I just decided to talk to this ghost while I was getting dressed. I think I might have been off that day but I distinctly remember that it "touched" me on the shoulder. I just suddenly felt a cold chill shoot through me. I asked the ghost not to touch me after that and I explained why. I immediately felt a sense of remorse so I told him/her that it was okay but that the touch was uncomfortable for me. I also told him/her that I wished that we could communicate, if not verbally, some other way. I never did feel a touch again but I always felt that presence. I never felt that I was in danger or scared around that ghost though, I just wish that I could have seen it or found out more about it. I am going to have to do some research there.
The third ghostly encounter that I had was with Bobby's great aunt, Jeanetta. We lived in her house when we first moved back to Amarillo from Colorado. We were remodeling the house we currently live in. Anyway, I remember that Pam, my mother-in-law, was having dreams about her or had dreams previously regarding Jeanetta. She said that Jeanetta had been trying to tell her something but that she was unable to understand. Anyway, we hadn't been living there that long when I woke up in the middle of the night and went to the kitchen. We had left a light on and I went to turn it off and saw her standing in front of the guest bathroom door. I saw her as plainly as I am sitting here looking at my computer. I jumped at first and then told her not to scare me again, I was fine with communication but she disappeared and I never saw her again. I have felt her presence several times since then but haven't seen her so who knows.
Anyway, ghost stories have always fascinated me even when I didn't believe them. I can't say that I completely understand them or what they are because I'm not sure that spirits get stuck here on Earth, I don't really know what I think but I can't find anything that gives me any direction there. Anyway, I just wanted to post this...so there it is. Do with it what you will.
My first experience was in the 3rd grade at my friend's house. She had told me that she had a ghost at her house which I didn't believe because at the time I didn't believe in ghosts at the time. I believe that the previous owner of the house that my friend's family was living in at the time passed away in the house, from old age. If I remember correctly, she was just alone when she died. Anyway, my friend told me that the ghost would knock her chalkboard off of the wall which I thought was absurd. I went over to spend the night one night and heard someone walking down the hall. I assumed that it was one of her parents coming to check on us. As the person entered the room, I looked over out of the corner of my eye to see a whitish figure in a "dressing gown". I think she knew that I was awake because I saw her go over to the chalkboard but instead of just knocking it off the wall she just took it down and set it on the dresser or whatever was under it. It turned out, I think, that a picture of her son had hung there so my friend moved her chalkboard and that was the end of that. However, I was a believer because this is something that I saw with my own eyes.
The second encounter that I had was with a ghost that lived at the top of the stairs in our house in Frisco, CO. I never did see this one but I always felt a benign presence there, from the time we moved in. That door was always locked because it led to the upper house where my landlady lived. One of our good friend's dog, Shiba, would always go sit at the bottom of the stairs and just look up. She never barked or growled, she would just sit, as if she were listening to someone. I think I even remember her cocking her head from time to time. My cat would bolt through there as if she were scared to death. Anyway, one day I just decided to talk to this ghost while I was getting dressed. I think I might have been off that day but I distinctly remember that it "touched" me on the shoulder. I just suddenly felt a cold chill shoot through me. I asked the ghost not to touch me after that and I explained why. I immediately felt a sense of remorse so I told him/her that it was okay but that the touch was uncomfortable for me. I also told him/her that I wished that we could communicate, if not verbally, some other way. I never did feel a touch again but I always felt that presence. I never felt that I was in danger or scared around that ghost though, I just wish that I could have seen it or found out more about it. I am going to have to do some research there.
The third ghostly encounter that I had was with Bobby's great aunt, Jeanetta. We lived in her house when we first moved back to Amarillo from Colorado. We were remodeling the house we currently live in. Anyway, I remember that Pam, my mother-in-law, was having dreams about her or had dreams previously regarding Jeanetta. She said that Jeanetta had been trying to tell her something but that she was unable to understand. Anyway, we hadn't been living there that long when I woke up in the middle of the night and went to the kitchen. We had left a light on and I went to turn it off and saw her standing in front of the guest bathroom door. I saw her as plainly as I am sitting here looking at my computer. I jumped at first and then told her not to scare me again, I was fine with communication but she disappeared and I never saw her again. I have felt her presence several times since then but haven't seen her so who knows.
Anyway, ghost stories have always fascinated me even when I didn't believe them. I can't say that I completely understand them or what they are because I'm not sure that spirits get stuck here on Earth, I don't really know what I think but I can't find anything that gives me any direction there. Anyway, I just wanted to post this...so there it is. Do with it what you will.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Why does what we think about ourselves affect everything else in our lives so intensely?
I really wanted to blog today but the first thing that was on my mind isn't something that I can just put out there right now...I just can't. It's nothing bad it's just something that I don't want to deal with, which led me to this blog. I went and reread all my online journal entries and it got me thinking, "Why is our entire thought process so driven by what we think of ourselves"?
Rationally, we know that what we think of ourselves can be very inaccurate, especially when it comes to weight and yet, that's the one thing that we can't seem to control our mind on. I struggle with this on a constant basis as does many of my friends and family. Still, weight is just a part of life, not part of what makes me a person or influences my personality. Granted, at this point in my life I have chosen to be overweight, by a lot, when you take my BMI into consideration but I am happy. Well, I am happy with other things in my life and I keep putting my weight on the backburner because it seems that other things are more important. It's not that my weight isn't one of my issues, I just don't tend to be as concerned with it as other things. Yet, it can be my defining characteristic in some settings...why is that? It's so strange to me that one thing can totally consume my life. If it's not my weight, it's my grades, if it's not grades, it's fertility. Geez, can a girl get a moment of peace?
The thing is, this doesn't just happen to me, it happens to most of the people around me. I won't say everyone because I do know a few people who appear satisfied with their lives. It's not that I am unsatisfied with mine I just can't seem to project it they way they can. I don't know why, I just can't. So it seems as though, if someone else can control their opinion of themselves, why can't I? I guess this "bothers" me so much because sometimes I can just be myself, no holds barred, and people still like me. So, what keeps me from being that way all the time. The people who know me the best have seen me at my worst and they haven't gone running and yet, I feel like I can't be that person around some people. Maybe I'm afraid that they'll be judgmental, not that I should care, but maybe that's what it is. Maybe I'm afraid that I'll offend someone so I hold things back. I wish I could figure it out. It would make my brain a much calmer place sometimes.
Anyway, I just wanted to put that out there...so there it is. :) Have a happy & safe & blessed Easter weekend everyone!
Rationally, we know that what we think of ourselves can be very inaccurate, especially when it comes to weight and yet, that's the one thing that we can't seem to control our mind on. I struggle with this on a constant basis as does many of my friends and family. Still, weight is just a part of life, not part of what makes me a person or influences my personality. Granted, at this point in my life I have chosen to be overweight, by a lot, when you take my BMI into consideration but I am happy. Well, I am happy with other things in my life and I keep putting my weight on the backburner because it seems that other things are more important. It's not that my weight isn't one of my issues, I just don't tend to be as concerned with it as other things. Yet, it can be my defining characteristic in some settings...why is that? It's so strange to me that one thing can totally consume my life. If it's not my weight, it's my grades, if it's not grades, it's fertility. Geez, can a girl get a moment of peace?
The thing is, this doesn't just happen to me, it happens to most of the people around me. I won't say everyone because I do know a few people who appear satisfied with their lives. It's not that I am unsatisfied with mine I just can't seem to project it they way they can. I don't know why, I just can't. So it seems as though, if someone else can control their opinion of themselves, why can't I? I guess this "bothers" me so much because sometimes I can just be myself, no holds barred, and people still like me. So, what keeps me from being that way all the time. The people who know me the best have seen me at my worst and they haven't gone running and yet, I feel like I can't be that person around some people. Maybe I'm afraid that they'll be judgmental, not that I should care, but maybe that's what it is. Maybe I'm afraid that I'll offend someone so I hold things back. I wish I could figure it out. It would make my brain a much calmer place sometimes.
Anyway, I just wanted to put that out there...so there it is. :) Have a happy & safe & blessed Easter weekend everyone!
Friday, April 2, 2010
Friday Confessional
Well, I felt as if I should confess since it's Friday confessional. I haven't done a darn thing today, I have been lazy. I have played Words with Friends, Scrabble and Zombie Farm all day...so I have been lazy! I have an excuse, but no one wants to hear it, trust me! ;) Anyway, there's that.
I am excited about this weekend. It's Easter weekend and I am spending it with my family, both sides. We're spending Saturday with Bobby's family and Sunday with my family. I should probably call my mom and tell her that we're coming. However, I doubt that she'll be upset that we show up. Advance warning is always good though, besides, she's my mom, she'll cook something awesome!!! :D
The other thing that I must confess is that I am afraid of this semester, I am just not into it. I have to start studying though. I will start Monday, I will be a good little student for the rest of this semester. I have about a week break before I start my summer class. I am excited about summer school though, because I got the class I wanted!!! I am a little worried about the fast pace of the summer class and how I'm going to pay for it but I will figure it out!
Ok, that's enough confessional, I think I've gotten it all off my chest...LOL
I am excited about this weekend. It's Easter weekend and I am spending it with my family, both sides. We're spending Saturday with Bobby's family and Sunday with my family. I should probably call my mom and tell her that we're coming. However, I doubt that she'll be upset that we show up. Advance warning is always good though, besides, she's my mom, she'll cook something awesome!!! :D
The other thing that I must confess is that I am afraid of this semester, I am just not into it. I have to start studying though. I will start Monday, I will be a good little student for the rest of this semester. I have about a week break before I start my summer class. I am excited about summer school though, because I got the class I wanted!!! I am a little worried about the fast pace of the summer class and how I'm going to pay for it but I will figure it out!
Ok, that's enough confessional, I think I've gotten it all off my chest...LOL
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