It's been a while...

So...it's been forever since I've blogged. I miss blogging. I wish I had time or energy to do it everyday but they are killing us with busy work at school. It's driving me crazy. At least this is the last semester of this part!!! I'm going on to get my bachelor's and master's but that's a few years from now. I'll be old and gray...well, I'm already gray but shit happens. (Sorry, it's true and there's not a better way to say that!) Anyway, I won't be that old...I might be 40 when I'm finished which gives me a good 20-30 years to work, depending on how long I feel like it. Yes, I said feel like it. I only get to live once and I'm not spending my entire life working. Obviously, I have to work, I have to pay bills, that kind of thing but, I'm not going to let work be my entire life. I have other things I want to do. I want to go to Italy, I am going to go to Hawaii in 2 years...something to consider when planning schooling. I think we're going in the summer though so I can work around that. I'm going to work around it because I'm going to Hawaii, wouldn't miss it for the world. It's not something one gets to do every day and some people never get to. I choose to, I want to. It's an experience that I want to have. Going to Italy and France is another one. So, I'm going.

Anyway, I am so ready to be done with school that I can't see straight. 56 more days until graduation, I'm so ready!!! School is about to drive me crazy and it really sucks that I have 3-4 more years left of it before I'm done!!! I've about had it but I have to keep going because I feel like I'll regret it if I don't and the upside is that I can still work as a floor nurse even if I have my master's. Basically, I can do both if I want to, so I can have my cake and eat it too. I don't know that I'll do that but I might. It depends on if we have kids or not, I can't spend all my time at work either, I refuse to do that. Life is more than just work, but I think it's important to love what you do. I think that I will enjoy being a nurse practitioner, actually I know that I will. I'm just not sure what specialty yet, right now I'm leaning toward cardiology but I love kids. I HATED my pediatrics class, which I think had more to do with the instructor than anything but there are other things that I think about that I'm not sure if I can handle. Several things that could be a game changer for me such as a really sick kid that I know won't make it. That sucks, it's reality, but it sucks. Obviously, death is a part of life and kids get sick too but that doesn't make it any better in my mind. I worked for hospice for two years and we had 3 different kids and it sucked every time. I'm glad that we were able to provide the service both for the kids and the families but it sucked, one case especially. That one will stick with me forever...so there's that to consider. There's also the occaional child that I will run into that is being abused. I don't know if I can handle that...I haven't done that well with it in the past. I've been exposed to children that have been abused and it just doesn't compute well in my mind. Obviously, there is something that I need to deal with but I just don't know how to make that right in my head, because it isn't and there's no excuse for it. There's also the parent issue, I'm talking about the parents that think every little thing is the worst thing ever and that their child has the most severe case of it known to man. That drives me insane, give me a little credit for the time that I spend in school and the education that I have. Obviously, I don't know everything, I never claimed to but I do know more about it than you do, seeing as I have been educated, so, give me credit for that. Now, if your gut tells you that something is going on then please feel free to share that with me. There's nothing like parental instinct, I know this much and I give credit there. I'm not a parent but I've seen it in action and I know that it works and that, most of the time, there is something to it. However, you have to consider that, unfortunately, it may take some time for me to figure out what's going on and there may be multiple tests involved. Some things are not as obvious as others and some things don't give obvious clues as to what they are so give me a little time and a little credit. I will find out what's going on but I may have to involve other doctors and practitioners and I have no problem doing that. You have an obligation to allow me to do my job without questioning every move I make, again, give me the professional courtesy and credit. I will do the same. If you think that I am doing something wrong or unnecessary then feel free to say so, just do it with courtesy and respect, then I can show you the same. Also, if you don't understand, feel free to ask...you just have to be respectful about it. You know? These are the things that I worry about and I know that they're legitimate concerns...so, I just don't know. Obviously, I have to make a decision but I don't have to do it right now. Plus, I have to finish school and I'll be working as I do so I'll have time to figure out what I like. Hopefully, I have a job that will translate into a nursing job once I take and pass boards!!!

Anyway, it was just time for me to blog...I needed to...blogging is so therapeutic. There are about a billion more things I wanted to say but I'm starting to get tired and I need to do some other things so I'm gonna stop for now. Good night blogsphere. Have an awesome weekend!!!

What a week!!!

Well, this wasn't my favorite week of all times...it was hectic and a little bit lousy. However, it's Friday and I don't have to work this weekend so it's looking up. I'm really tired though and I kind of have a cold...and it's possibly going to snow tonight?!?! I live in the Texas Panhandle and as far as I'm concerned, it's the weird weather capital of the world. It was in the 60's this afternoon and then it's supposed to snow?!?!? What the heck?!?! And everyone wonders why we're all sick...well there you go. This semester is really rough, especially with the busy work and having to write three papers...YUCK. I am seriously over writing papers...I just don't want to anymore. I am SO TIRED OF WRITING PAPERS!!! I'm not going to nursing school to be an author or a lawyer so I really don't want to have to learn about that or do it. I'm just throwing that out there. I know it doesn't really matter but I have never come closer to quitting in my whole school career and I'm at the end. Obviously, I'm going to finish and I will graduate in May come hell or high water...but I'm tired. Today was a pretty good day though, even though we lost two different patients in simulation which sucked...even though we kind of knew it was coming. In real life, you don't always get a patient back when you code them and it really sucks. We were talking about it and I cried. Granted, I'm a little emotional but that's ok. I need to be emotional, if a patient dying doesn't get to me at all then I probably need to stop being a floor nurse, I'm missing an essential component. And now...my eyelids are starting to droop. I had much more to say but it will just have to wait because I am unable to hold my eyes open any longer. Goodnight world! Happy Weekend! :)

Interesting

I sat down to blog about watching movies that mess with your mind but got inspired by something different as I checked my blog roll to see if there were any new blogs to read. I was trying to find something to take my mind off the movie I watched so that I could go to bed and it not replay itself in my head all night. It wasn't really scary, it was just messed up...really messed up. So I'm very grateful to have found Kelle's latest post. If you enjoy reading blogs, you'll love this one, I guarantee it. Not only does she reel you in with her words, she's an amazing photographer as well. Read her blog, it will blow you away, I guarantee it. I recommend starting with this. I would have some kleenex handy as you read this, it's amazing and will bring you to tears. However, plan to take some time because once you start reading, you won't want to stop. I sat for hours one night reading her blogs...and I was a little sad when I got to the end. I look forward to reading her blogs every day...they're amazing. Her family and her point of view is amazing. Be prepared to be inspired!!!

I'm sitting here with my cat meowing at me, I think she's telling me I need to go to bed and she's right, I do, but I had to get my brain straight first. Now I don't have to go in there and watch tv to distract myself, I'll fall asleep dreaming of little angel faces.

Friday Confessional

I love Friday Confessional...it's good for the soul...or maybe it just makes me feel better to air out some of the things I refuse to say "out loud"!!! If you wanna join up, head over to Glamazon and confess away. Her co-host is Mamarazzi and her blog is pretty fun too!!!

I confess that I HATE to clean house. It overwhelms me, so much so that I generally do not do it. There, I said it out loud. I did clean some yesterday and I got overwhelmed just thinking about what all I had to do...so I stopped.

I confess that I could spend the whole day doing nothing but reading blogs but I usually manage to somehow drag my butt out of the chair to watch some tv...or something equally productive.

I confess that this year, I am so excited about graduating but I am scared to death. I hear myself talking to people about medical things and I sound like I know what I'm talking about...but is that really me? The idea of having to be a grown up and have a career just scares me. I like being irresponsible, sue me.

I confess that sometimes, I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I wish I were shorter or skinnier or had thicker hair or longer nails or something. I don't know why. Obviously, there's always room for improvement but I felt that way even when I looked my best...so I wonder about myself.

I confess that I wonder about myself a LOT. I worry me, I mean really...the things that I think, make me wonder. Do all people feel this way? I don't know but probably...I mean, I guess I have to seem like I have it all together, when I don't, but I wish I felt like I did and I wonder if I ever will.

Ok, I could sit here and confess all day but I need to get moving. I wanted to blog and I have...so have a great Friday everyone!!!

2011 Makeovers

This year, I have determined that it is time to make myself over. There are three areas that I will be focusing on: physical health, spiritual/mental health, and financial health. These three areas are the nearest and dearest to my heart and they encompass a lot. However, I am trying to make the "overall" change that will last as opposed to the "crash diet" change that only lasts a few months, if that, and then is done. I want to change overall, not so much my personality because that's nearly impossible or my inner self but my outer self and do some improvements on my inner self.

This has been coming on for a while now. It started when I turned 30, although I was too lazy or not motivated enough to do it and keep it up. Now, I'm going to be 34 in 21 days and it's time to get my butt in gear, literally and figuratively. There are many things that I would like to accomplish and/or do in my life that require me to be in better overall shape so I'd better get to it. I think that part of my "problem" previously is that I felt like I had forever...then I woke up and I was 33...LOL. I'm really loving my 30's but it seems that I've hit a fork in my road and I have to make a choice. Yeah, I've sat at this fork for 3 years now but it's time to move on and 2011 is the year that I'm going to do it.

First of all, this physical health makeover will encompass many areas. I am going to work out more. I have joined Planet Fitness and plan to work out at least 5 days a week if not more, depending on my schedule. I am also going to make better food choices overall. That is not to say that I will never drink another coke or eat anymore dessert, that's just stupid. I actually, physically, crave chocolate so my solution is to keep the dark chocolate kisses in my freezer and when I'm having a craving, I can go get 4 or 5 and eat them. I can even eat more than that if I feel like it but I will limit myself to 10. Usually, in the past that has satisfied my craving just fine and it keeps me from eating a candy bar or going and getting a cinnamon roll or something equally fattening. I am very much on a balance kick in my life and I want that to bleed over into my working out and eating habits. Obviously, this is going to take some work but I am willing to do it. I want to be healthier by May of this year when I graduate. I want to be in good physical condition so that it will be easy to get pregnant. I also would like for my knees and back to stop hurting constantly and losing weight will help. It may "fix" my back pain but it won't "fix" my knee pain. My knees are shot and have been since I was about 12...I don't have any cartilage left, I don't think and haven't since then. I was told by an orthopedic surgeon that I saw when I was 14 that I had the knees of a 72 year old. So...that means they're dead! ;-) I know that losing weight and strengthening my leg muscles will help though. I'm certain that eventually I will have to have surgery but I'm going to do everything in my power to postpone it for as long as I can. I'll need to keep taking glucosamine chondroitin in some form as that helps to rebuild cartilage and I notice a difference when I take it.

That leads right into my next makeover, my financial makeover. This is going to be a tough one. I like to spend money and there's really nothing wrong with that. However, one has to make money in order to spend it and needs to have a little self control. That's usually my problem, I am definitely an instant gratification type of person. I have very little patience, especially when I want something. However, I am going to make an effort to change that. When I graduate and get a nursing job, I will be making very good money. It will be very easy to go crazy and spend money like it's going out of style but I'm going to have to reign myself in. The reality of it is, I can buy pretty much whatever I want, if I save for it. That's what I'm shooting for, to be able to pay cash for most things. I don't know if I want to, or have the will power to save to pay cash for a house, I seriously doubt it. However, I do want to have a sizeable down payment for my house so that's something to save for. We're planning on building our house somewhere in Colorado so that will take a sizeable down payment. We have to, yes have to, build to get what we want. Generally, unless you buy a custom home, things are not the way we want them. We are both tall and there are some things, such as cabinet height, that I am not willing to compromise on. There are things that I will obviously have to compromise on but we'll figure that out as we go. We know people who work for contractors and they're trustworthy so at least we'll be able to get some good advice as we go along.

It hit me the other day as I was looking at craigslist how easy that the financial change can be if I put my mind to it. I was looking at the jewelry, which is a vice of mine and I thought, "If I were working as a nurse, I could save up and buy that". Granted, that exact piece might not have still been there, but a similar piece could be and I'm sure that there would be something that I like out there! Trust me, when it comes to jewelry, I'm not that hard to please! :-) I would like to own nice jewelry, not necessarily super expensive jewelry, but nice jewelry. I like luxury things and there's nothing wrong with that. I want things like a Louis Vuitton purse and being a nurse, I'll be able to afford it as long as I save for it. I don't want to have a bunch of credit cards because I don't want to live my life in debt. If I must have debt then it can be either on my house or a car. These are two big ticket items that I am willing to be in debt for, those are the only things however. There is not one reason for me to be in debt for a washer and dryer or tv or any appliance. Again, my salary should be sufficient that I am able to save for a few months and then go pay cash for those things. I watch things around me and I see people going into debt for anything and I just don't want to be one of those. Now, that being said, I am not passing judgment on people in debt. I'm in debt right now. I owe about $15,000 to the federal government thanks to student loans. Truthfully, I owe more than that because I plan to combine our student loans. What I'm trying to say is that I want to make responsible financial choices and the career that I have chosen will afford me that. Some of you are probably thinking, "Honey, you can't have luxury and be debt free" but I can. Yes, I want a Louis Vuitton but I am going to save and pay cash for it. If I want a pair of diamond earrings, I'm not going to run to the nearest Jared's and buy them on credit, I'm going to save and go pay cash for them. I guess I feel like I'm contradicting myself by saying I want to be debt free and have luxury but I truly believe that I can do both and I'm going to make a conscious effort to do so.

Now for the part I don't really want to talk about, the spiritual/mental health part. Truth be told, I have some serious anger issues. I'm not a violent person though, I just get angry, more than I should. It's something that I can't really pinpoint the cause of but I'm trying. When I listen to myself, I am a little shocked at how entitled I think I am. It's seriously disturbing...especially when I drive. I expect people to know that I'm in a hurry and get out of my way. Well there you go...how is someone else supposed to know that I'm in a hurry. I don't have a blinking sign on the top of my car that tells them...so how can I expect them to know? I don't know why I think that they can tell but I guess I do...and don't even get me started on senior citizens...they make me absolutely insane. Honestly though, there's no reason for that and I worry myself because I get pretty worked up...ask anyone who's ridden with me. I'm sure that it can be scary at times. I guess what I truly need to work on is my sense of entitlement. Most of the time, I'm pretty sure that the world does actually revolve around me...but I don't know why I think that. My parents certainly didn't perpetuate that and neither does my hubby, nor should he or they. Everyone around me encourages me and loves me and pushes me to my potential but they don't constantly stroke my ego so I can't really figure out why I'm such an egomaniac. Yuck, even typing that word made me cringe...but it's true. So it's something that I have to deal with. I'm sure that a lot of my anger stems from that...so it's something I have to work on. I just have to make a conscious decision that I am NOT the most important person on the planet and that other people have the right to be here too. Wow, I sound like the worst sort of person when I say it that way...and I'm not...all the time...but I can be at certain times.

Anyway, that's enough self scrutiny...it's making my stomach churn. I'm going to need some accountability here so I will blog about this once a week. I'll have to work pretty hard during the semester to do all of this but that will make me a more efficient time manager.

Have a great 2011 everyone!!!

2010

Usually, at the end of a year, I am excitedly looking forward to the next year, completely forgetting what happened the previous year, as if the grass will always be greener on the other side of the fence. This year, I am taking time to reflect back on last year and how awesome it was.

***I have to go back to 2009 for a moment and be amazed by the birth of my first nephew, Joseph Howard Sparhawk!!!***

The first major event of 2010 was on May 13 when Miss Deoborah Lucille Oliver made her appearance!!!

Then, on July 11 was the birth of Mr. James Lee Sparhawk!!!

This has been a great year!!! I have a beautiful niece, two beautiful nephews and awesome friends and family!!! I finished my third semester of nursing school...by far the hardest one!!! Now I'm looking forward to my last semester...AMAZING!!!

I have grown a lot this last year, there have been amazing times and some heartbreaking times. Through it all though, I have become a better person. I am looking forward to next year though. I will graduate in May and hopefully become a registered nurse in June. (I don't know for sure how long the process is from graduation to taking boards)

All in all, 2010 was a great year. I am looking forward to an even better year in 2011! I hope that you all have a blessed New Year!!!

Why can't life just have an easy button?

You know the Staples commercials, with the big red "Easy" button...I need one of those. Actually, I need it for some very dear people in my life who are going through some very rough stuff. It sucks, and I don't like it, but it's one of those things that has to happen, things have to be dealt with and there is going to be some hurt involved. Then there will be healing, and the healing makes all the hurt "worth it", if you will, but it doesn't make it suck any less. That's the truth. I know that an easy button really wouldn't fix it, but it would be nice to have either that or a magic wand. I say that a lot, I would like to "wave my magic wand" and fix it but really, I don't know if I would. It makes me think of that movie where all you have to do is press a button and you get a million dollars, but someone you don't know will die. It's always a catch 22 with a bandaid fix. The process helps us to grow, but the process really sucks. If life were easy, it wouldn't be the same, we would take everything for granted and what kind of people would we be then?

It's one of those situations that there are a million things that you want to say, but can't because you know you can't fix it, they have to. It's like watching your child do something that you know is wrong but you know you have to let them make the mistake so that they can learn from it. It sucks, and we all would like to keep everyone in our lives from having to do it, but it just doesn't work that way. I think the worst part of this whole thing is that their immediate family really isn't supporting them. I don't get it. Obviously, none of us are perfect and we all have our crosses to bear, but isn't it more helpful to help someone carry their cross than to make it a bigger burden? I think it is but don't misunderstand, I'm no saint. I deserve no holiday but I hate to see people hurt. I want them to be happy and content. Maybe content is a better word because we can't always be happy...life just doesn't work that way. However, if there is contentment underneath it all, things are more bearable. I'm learning to be content...it's a long hard road. It would be nice to pretend that all is well all the time but this isn't a Lifetime special, this is life and it's hard. I just think that your family should be there to support you regardless of their opinion of the situation. They also shouldn't judge, they have no right, no one does. If you have never been in another person's shoes then you can't judge their decisions...I don't care what you've been through. Even if you've been through the same situation, it was different, because it was your experience. Just because you or I wouldn't make the same decision in the same situation doesn't make one of us right and one of us wrong, it just makes us different. That's why the world is an interesting place, people are different and interesting. This is not to say that there are not definite rights and definite wrongs but emotional issues aren't usually that black and white.

Anyway, I just needed to put this out there. Keep my family in your thoughts and prayers, things are gonna get rough, but we're gonna make it.