2011 Makeovers

This year, I have determined that it is time to make myself over. There are three areas that I will be focusing on: physical health, spiritual/mental health, and financial health. These three areas are the nearest and dearest to my heart and they encompass a lot. However, I am trying to make the "overall" change that will last as opposed to the "crash diet" change that only lasts a few months, if that, and then is done. I want to change overall, not so much my personality because that's nearly impossible or my inner self but my outer self and do some improvements on my inner self.

This has been coming on for a while now. It started when I turned 30, although I was too lazy or not motivated enough to do it and keep it up. Now, I'm going to be 34 in 21 days and it's time to get my butt in gear, literally and figuratively. There are many things that I would like to accomplish and/or do in my life that require me to be in better overall shape so I'd better get to it. I think that part of my "problem" previously is that I felt like I had forever...then I woke up and I was 33...LOL. I'm really loving my 30's but it seems that I've hit a fork in my road and I have to make a choice. Yeah, I've sat at this fork for 3 years now but it's time to move on and 2011 is the year that I'm going to do it.

First of all, this physical health makeover will encompass many areas. I am going to work out more. I have joined Planet Fitness and plan to work out at least 5 days a week if not more, depending on my schedule. I am also going to make better food choices overall. That is not to say that I will never drink another coke or eat anymore dessert, that's just stupid. I actually, physically, crave chocolate so my solution is to keep the dark chocolate kisses in my freezer and when I'm having a craving, I can go get 4 or 5 and eat them. I can even eat more than that if I feel like it but I will limit myself to 10. Usually, in the past that has satisfied my craving just fine and it keeps me from eating a candy bar or going and getting a cinnamon roll or something equally fattening. I am very much on a balance kick in my life and I want that to bleed over into my working out and eating habits. Obviously, this is going to take some work but I am willing to do it. I want to be healthier by May of this year when I graduate. I want to be in good physical condition so that it will be easy to get pregnant. I also would like for my knees and back to stop hurting constantly and losing weight will help. It may "fix" my back pain but it won't "fix" my knee pain. My knees are shot and have been since I was about 12...I don't have any cartilage left, I don't think and haven't since then. I was told by an orthopedic surgeon that I saw when I was 14 that I had the knees of a 72 year old. So...that means they're dead! ;-) I know that losing weight and strengthening my leg muscles will help though. I'm certain that eventually I will have to have surgery but I'm going to do everything in my power to postpone it for as long as I can. I'll need to keep taking glucosamine chondroitin in some form as that helps to rebuild cartilage and I notice a difference when I take it.

That leads right into my next makeover, my financial makeover. This is going to be a tough one. I like to spend money and there's really nothing wrong with that. However, one has to make money in order to spend it and needs to have a little self control. That's usually my problem, I am definitely an instant gratification type of person. I have very little patience, especially when I want something. However, I am going to make an effort to change that. When I graduate and get a nursing job, I will be making very good money. It will be very easy to go crazy and spend money like it's going out of style but I'm going to have to reign myself in. The reality of it is, I can buy pretty much whatever I want, if I save for it. That's what I'm shooting for, to be able to pay cash for most things. I don't know if I want to, or have the will power to save to pay cash for a house, I seriously doubt it. However, I do want to have a sizeable down payment for my house so that's something to save for. We're planning on building our house somewhere in Colorado so that will take a sizeable down payment. We have to, yes have to, build to get what we want. Generally, unless you buy a custom home, things are not the way we want them. We are both tall and there are some things, such as cabinet height, that I am not willing to compromise on. There are things that I will obviously have to compromise on but we'll figure that out as we go. We know people who work for contractors and they're trustworthy so at least we'll be able to get some good advice as we go along.

It hit me the other day as I was looking at craigslist how easy that the financial change can be if I put my mind to it. I was looking at the jewelry, which is a vice of mine and I thought, "If I were working as a nurse, I could save up and buy that". Granted, that exact piece might not have still been there, but a similar piece could be and I'm sure that there would be something that I like out there! Trust me, when it comes to jewelry, I'm not that hard to please! :-) I would like to own nice jewelry, not necessarily super expensive jewelry, but nice jewelry. I like luxury things and there's nothing wrong with that. I want things like a Louis Vuitton purse and being a nurse, I'll be able to afford it as long as I save for it. I don't want to have a bunch of credit cards because I don't want to live my life in debt. If I must have debt then it can be either on my house or a car. These are two big ticket items that I am willing to be in debt for, those are the only things however. There is not one reason for me to be in debt for a washer and dryer or tv or any appliance. Again, my salary should be sufficient that I am able to save for a few months and then go pay cash for those things. I watch things around me and I see people going into debt for anything and I just don't want to be one of those. Now, that being said, I am not passing judgment on people in debt. I'm in debt right now. I owe about $15,000 to the federal government thanks to student loans. Truthfully, I owe more than that because I plan to combine our student loans. What I'm trying to say is that I want to make responsible financial choices and the career that I have chosen will afford me that. Some of you are probably thinking, "Honey, you can't have luxury and be debt free" but I can. Yes, I want a Louis Vuitton but I am going to save and pay cash for it. If I want a pair of diamond earrings, I'm not going to run to the nearest Jared's and buy them on credit, I'm going to save and go pay cash for them. I guess I feel like I'm contradicting myself by saying I want to be debt free and have luxury but I truly believe that I can do both and I'm going to make a conscious effort to do so.

Now for the part I don't really want to talk about, the spiritual/mental health part. Truth be told, I have some serious anger issues. I'm not a violent person though, I just get angry, more than I should. It's something that I can't really pinpoint the cause of but I'm trying. When I listen to myself, I am a little shocked at how entitled I think I am. It's seriously disturbing...especially when I drive. I expect people to know that I'm in a hurry and get out of my way. Well there you go...how is someone else supposed to know that I'm in a hurry. I don't have a blinking sign on the top of my car that tells them...so how can I expect them to know? I don't know why I think that they can tell but I guess I do...and don't even get me started on senior citizens...they make me absolutely insane. Honestly though, there's no reason for that and I worry myself because I get pretty worked up...ask anyone who's ridden with me. I'm sure that it can be scary at times. I guess what I truly need to work on is my sense of entitlement. Most of the time, I'm pretty sure that the world does actually revolve around me...but I don't know why I think that. My parents certainly didn't perpetuate that and neither does my hubby, nor should he or they. Everyone around me encourages me and loves me and pushes me to my potential but they don't constantly stroke my ego so I can't really figure out why I'm such an egomaniac. Yuck, even typing that word made me cringe...but it's true. So it's something that I have to deal with. I'm sure that a lot of my anger stems from that...so it's something I have to work on. I just have to make a conscious decision that I am NOT the most important person on the planet and that other people have the right to be here too. Wow, I sound like the worst sort of person when I say it that way...and I'm not...all the time...but I can be at certain times.

Anyway, that's enough self scrutiny...it's making my stomach churn. I'm going to need some accountability here so I will blog about this once a week. I'll have to work pretty hard during the semester to do all of this but that will make me a more efficient time manager.

Have a great 2011 everyone!!!

2010

Usually, at the end of a year, I am excitedly looking forward to the next year, completely forgetting what happened the previous year, as if the grass will always be greener on the other side of the fence. This year, I am taking time to reflect back on last year and how awesome it was.

***I have to go back to 2009 for a moment and be amazed by the birth of my first nephew, Joseph Howard Sparhawk!!!***

The first major event of 2010 was on May 13 when Miss Deoborah Lucille Oliver made her appearance!!!

Then, on July 11 was the birth of Mr. James Lee Sparhawk!!!

This has been a great year!!! I have a beautiful niece, two beautiful nephews and awesome friends and family!!! I finished my third semester of nursing school...by far the hardest one!!! Now I'm looking forward to my last semester...AMAZING!!!

I have grown a lot this last year, there have been amazing times and some heartbreaking times. Through it all though, I have become a better person. I am looking forward to next year though. I will graduate in May and hopefully become a registered nurse in June. (I don't know for sure how long the process is from graduation to taking boards)

All in all, 2010 was a great year. I am looking forward to an even better year in 2011! I hope that you all have a blessed New Year!!!

Why can't life just have an easy button?

You know the Staples commercials, with the big red "Easy" button...I need one of those. Actually, I need it for some very dear people in my life who are going through some very rough stuff. It sucks, and I don't like it, but it's one of those things that has to happen, things have to be dealt with and there is going to be some hurt involved. Then there will be healing, and the healing makes all the hurt "worth it", if you will, but it doesn't make it suck any less. That's the truth. I know that an easy button really wouldn't fix it, but it would be nice to have either that or a magic wand. I say that a lot, I would like to "wave my magic wand" and fix it but really, I don't know if I would. It makes me think of that movie where all you have to do is press a button and you get a million dollars, but someone you don't know will die. It's always a catch 22 with a bandaid fix. The process helps us to grow, but the process really sucks. If life were easy, it wouldn't be the same, we would take everything for granted and what kind of people would we be then?

It's one of those situations that there are a million things that you want to say, but can't because you know you can't fix it, they have to. It's like watching your child do something that you know is wrong but you know you have to let them make the mistake so that they can learn from it. It sucks, and we all would like to keep everyone in our lives from having to do it, but it just doesn't work that way. I think the worst part of this whole thing is that their immediate family really isn't supporting them. I don't get it. Obviously, none of us are perfect and we all have our crosses to bear, but isn't it more helpful to help someone carry their cross than to make it a bigger burden? I think it is but don't misunderstand, I'm no saint. I deserve no holiday but I hate to see people hurt. I want them to be happy and content. Maybe content is a better word because we can't always be happy...life just doesn't work that way. However, if there is contentment underneath it all, things are more bearable. I'm learning to be content...it's a long hard road. It would be nice to pretend that all is well all the time but this isn't a Lifetime special, this is life and it's hard. I just think that your family should be there to support you regardless of their opinion of the situation. They also shouldn't judge, they have no right, no one does. If you have never been in another person's shoes then you can't judge their decisions...I don't care what you've been through. Even if you've been through the same situation, it was different, because it was your experience. Just because you or I wouldn't make the same decision in the same situation doesn't make one of us right and one of us wrong, it just makes us different. That's why the world is an interesting place, people are different and interesting. This is not to say that there are not definite rights and definite wrongs but emotional issues aren't usually that black and white.

Anyway, I just needed to put this out there. Keep my family in your thoughts and prayers, things are gonna get rough, but we're gonna make it.

It's almost Christmas...

Today I had lunch at the Olive Garden with the girls...it was wonderful. Some of them brought gifts...I didn't, made me feel like a slouch but they still love me. I miss my girls, and I think it's going to be really weird next May when I'm not in school with these girls anymore...they have become my family. I'm happy to have spent part of my Christmas with them. These girls are my family, at least they have become part of my family. I know that I will probably be friends with most of them for the rest of my life. Will we see each other every day, probably not, but we'll exchange texts, emails and Christmas cards. We might even meet for lunch on my trips back to Amarillo...who knows? However, they have each touched my heart in a special way and that's what Christmas is all about.

I will have Christmas with my actual family on Christmas eve & Christmas day. We'll be at my parents' house on Christmas eve and then at the in-law's for Christmas day. It's gonna be spectacular and we're not really exchanging gifts. We're doing a gift card exchange at my parents and then stocking stuffers and food with his parents. None of us have much money to spend this year so we're just gonna hang out and have a good time!!! I'm excited about seeing the niece and nephews, they're growing so fast. It all happens way too fast. Maybe next year we'll have a little one running around too...who knows? Hopefully the in-laws will have at least two grandkids running around or on the way. Who knows? That's one of those things that we have no control over but we can hope for.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a blessed new year. I hope that you have time with your family, be they blood or otherwise and that the new year brings you the blessings you hope for.

PYHO

As I sit here watching The Hills, I realize that I have a toxic friendship that I have to end. I have my very own personal Heidi and I have to let her go. I wish this wasn't the case but it is. This is another person in my life who will never get it together because she can't let go of things from her past. She isn't a bad person but she is very selfish and never apologizes. Everything is everyone else's fault, the last argument we had, I had her on speaker so that my husband could hear and he agrees with me, it's always my fault, in her eyes anyway. I hate having to do this, I wish that I was strong enough not to let these people into my life but this friendship began when I was young and I thought that I could help people change. I realize that's not really the case, nor is that my place in life. Unfortunately, adults have to choose to change on their own. We, as their friends, can gently prod them in a certain direction but ultimately they have to choose their own path. Sadly, they sometimes choose the path that leads them the opposite direction of where we want them to go and the friendship has to come to an end. If a friendship feels like a burden and you constantly feel guilty, even though you know you've done nothing wrong, then the relationship isn't healthy and it needs to end. We need friends who are mutually there for us as we are for them and this particular relationship is not that way. I have gotten two calls from this person in the last several days and I have chosen not to answer. I wish that I could sit down and talk to her but it won't work. She doesn't really see reason when it comes to herself, which makes me sad. I think that she has potential to be a great friend but she has to learn to deal with things and learn to relate to people aside from that. It all boils down to a commitment issue, something that she has to fix on her own and obviously, I can't help her. I have tried and I surrender to the fact that I can't because, at this point, she refuses to accept the help. I hate this and I hate this feeling. It seriously makes me sick to my stomach, my stomach is churning even as I write this. I wish that I knew what to say and how to say it so that I could tell her why but she is unable to hear it, I have tried. The last conversation we had, I tried to tell her but she wouldn't hear me and I just can't do it anymore...and it sucks.

Life as we know it...

In 6 months, scratch that 5 months, my life will change dramatically. I am going to graduate with my associate degree in nursing. I'm going to take a test, otherwise known as the Nclex or state boards, and I will be a nurse. Wow...that really just sort of hit me. I mean, it's been on the brink for the whole last semester but there were times that I wasn't sure that I would be able to survive it so I tried to look away. Now it's here and it's official. I was officially a level 4 nursing student as of last Thursday. It blows me away. In 5 months, I will have an impact on people's lives...literally. This is a good thing, but it scares me to death quite honestly. I believe that I am getting the base knowledge that I need to be the best nurse that I can be and yet, there's still much to be learned. I don't know for sure where I want to work but pediatrics was just too awesome. If I thought I could handle it emotionally, I would move to Tennessee and work at St. Jude's Children's Hospital...but I don't know if I'm that strong. I cry whenever the commercials are on and I'm getting a little teary eyed just thinking about it so...there ya go. I'm also very interested in working critical care and I don't care which unit. I would have a choice of CCU (cardiac care unit), SICU (surgical intensive care unit) or MICU (medical intensive care unit). Any of these options appeals to me, especially cardiac care. I got a taste of cardiac in my last med surg rotation and I think I might have found my home...but then there's the little ones and I loved that. I loved newborn nursery too and pediatric icu so who knows? I think I like the intensive care whether it be adult or children. I would love to work at a teaching hospital and do pediatric intensive care...but I don't know that we'll end up in a place that has that. You pretty much have to be in the city for that and the hubs is not a city person. I totally am, which shocks me but he isn't and we both have to be happy, so we'll compromise by living somewhere beautiful and in the mountains. We're going to end up back in Colorado, perhaps in the same place that we were living before we came back to the Texas Panhandle but who knows. I know that we'll go where ever I get a job. I think that we'll be staying here in Texas for a year so that I can get a little nursing experience under my belt. Not that it would matter, I could get a job anyway but we'd like to pay off some debt and save some money before we move. We're planning to find a place and build a house and you can't just do that, without money, so we're gonna get all that worked out. I think this is so scary because I'm/we're starting a new chapter of our lives. I'm going to have a career versus just having a job and then the hubs is going to school. He's had a career, he went to school, but it's definitely time for him to make a change. This career isn't what he wants to do for the rest of his life and now's as good a time as any to make a change. It makes my head spin to think that at this time next year, I will have been in my career for about six months. My classmates and I are planning a trip to Vegas to celebrate. We're waiting six months because it's HOT in Vegas in May and we want to have time to save some money so we can have some fun. I'm going to start working on my bachelor's in January and then decide if I want to go on to get my master's or be content with a bachelor's degree. I really don't know, there are pros and cons to both sides and right now I'm leaning towards a master's but I'll make the final decision when I have my bachelor's. I can't see the future so I don't know what will be happening in my life then, I may decide that a bachelor's is enough and that I want to live my life. I know me though and somehow I feel like I will be able to make a bigger impact as a nurse practicioner and so getting a master's will more than likely be the path I'll choose. If I were in my twenties, I would go to medical school...but I'm in my thirties and I would rather start my career now and work through the rest of my schooling. You can't exactly do that in medical school, working is hardly an option. I know of one school that will allow you to work eight hours a week but no more, which makes sense because there is a lot of studying to be done. Anyway, it's not as if you can just walk up to a medical school and register and go, you have to be accepted and that is a process. I just don't really want to take the time for that. I don't want to put my life on hold so that I can go to school. I know that you don't have to put your life on hold but I think that's what I would choose for me because that would work better, in my mind. Anyway, it's 10:04 and I think it's time to get up and make a pot of coffee, there is football to be watched. Ciao!!!

I don't know about me sometimes...

It's 3:44am and I am still awake. I'm kinda tired but I really want to wake up the hubs and head to Ihop for some coffee and pancakes. However, he's in there snoring and I have a feeling that he wouldn't be too keen on me waking him up right now. I'm going to be really tired tomorrow but since I don't have to go to work, it's all good. I've been reading blogs, well, catching up on some of them and for a split second, I thought about studying for my pediatrics final. But seriously, I don't think studying at this hour would be productive, even if I did have some Ihop coffee!!! I have really got to stop thinking about that because it's making my mouth water. They have cinnamon roll pancakes that are to die for...but that really isn't on my diet and they're pretty rich so two is my limit. I just really want some pancakes and coffee. Yeah, we have frozen waffles and I can make coffee but really, who wants to do that?!?!? Perhaps someone is awake and if I post my wish on facebook, someone will want to go with me...but that would definitely wake the hubs up and I don't know that he would appreciate it. He just cleared his throat so perhaps not. The gooberhead is asleep on the couch and I have gone in there several times to tell him to come to bed but he won't. He'll be annoyed in the morning but I tried and I give up. Things can get a little ugly if I get "pushy" when I want him to come to bed.

We were going to go play some golf in the morning but there's supposed to be a cold front coming in so I don't think we're going to go. The good ole iPhone says it's 46 and feels like 37 outside plus I keep hearing the wind blow so I think golf is out. I don't think a windy day would be a great day to play my first game of golf either...I mean, I doubt I'm gonna be Tiger Woods on my first golf outing and adding wind well...I just think that's a bad idea!!! When I say wind, I'm talking Texas Panhandle wind, where there's nothing to block it and it's madness. They call Chicago "The Windy City" but I'm quite certain that there's more wind here in good old Amarillo, Tx!!! Plus, when the wind blows, it doesn't mess around...LOL!!! Some days I don't really want to drive because the wind could blow my Durango over and the light poles are swaying, along with the traffic lights...it's just crazy!!!

So, instead of golf, I think I'm going to make Hubs take me to the movies!!! Harry Potter and the Deathy Hallows is out and I really want to see it. I just finished reading the book a few months ago because I was a little bit annoyed that it was the last one and I just didn't want to read it. It was good, the ending was totally predictable but hey, the good guy's supposed to win so there you have it. It was the best book, I think but it was a little harder to read. I need to go back and re-read the whole series but that will have to wait until Christmas break. I'm gonna re-read the Twilight books too. I'm a little annoyed that Breaking Dawn: Part 1 isn't out yet...I thought it was supposed to come out last month, apparently, I was wrong. So I googled it and found out that it was supposed to have come out November 18th but clearly, that did not happen. So it might be 2012?!?!? That's just unacceptable...especially since it's a two part movie and I don't want to wait years between the two movies. I honestly don't even want to wait a year but I suppose the actors will need a break between filmings dangit...but if they didn't take one, it would be done...I'm just sayin'!

Oh well...it's now 3:59 and I have run out of things to say...plus I am sleepy and I'm noticing that typing is becoming harder. I'm having to use the backspace key a lot...so perhaps I should go to sleep...but who knows, I might just go get some Ihop coffee and see how the rest of the day goes...