2010

Usually, at the end of a year, I am excitedly looking forward to the next year, completely forgetting what happened the previous year, as if the grass will always be greener on the other side of the fence. This year, I am taking time to reflect back on last year and how awesome it was.

***I have to go back to 2009 for a moment and be amazed by the birth of my first nephew, Joseph Howard Sparhawk!!!***

The first major event of 2010 was on May 13 when Miss Deoborah Lucille Oliver made her appearance!!!

Then, on July 11 was the birth of Mr. James Lee Sparhawk!!!

This has been a great year!!! I have a beautiful niece, two beautiful nephews and awesome friends and family!!! I finished my third semester of nursing school...by far the hardest one!!! Now I'm looking forward to my last semester...AMAZING!!!

I have grown a lot this last year, there have been amazing times and some heartbreaking times. Through it all though, I have become a better person. I am looking forward to next year though. I will graduate in May and hopefully become a registered nurse in June. (I don't know for sure how long the process is from graduation to taking boards)

All in all, 2010 was a great year. I am looking forward to an even better year in 2011! I hope that you all have a blessed New Year!!!

Why can't life just have an easy button?

You know the Staples commercials, with the big red "Easy" button...I need one of those. Actually, I need it for some very dear people in my life who are going through some very rough stuff. It sucks, and I don't like it, but it's one of those things that has to happen, things have to be dealt with and there is going to be some hurt involved. Then there will be healing, and the healing makes all the hurt "worth it", if you will, but it doesn't make it suck any less. That's the truth. I know that an easy button really wouldn't fix it, but it would be nice to have either that or a magic wand. I say that a lot, I would like to "wave my magic wand" and fix it but really, I don't know if I would. It makes me think of that movie where all you have to do is press a button and you get a million dollars, but someone you don't know will die. It's always a catch 22 with a bandaid fix. The process helps us to grow, but the process really sucks. If life were easy, it wouldn't be the same, we would take everything for granted and what kind of people would we be then?

It's one of those situations that there are a million things that you want to say, but can't because you know you can't fix it, they have to. It's like watching your child do something that you know is wrong but you know you have to let them make the mistake so that they can learn from it. It sucks, and we all would like to keep everyone in our lives from having to do it, but it just doesn't work that way. I think the worst part of this whole thing is that their immediate family really isn't supporting them. I don't get it. Obviously, none of us are perfect and we all have our crosses to bear, but isn't it more helpful to help someone carry their cross than to make it a bigger burden? I think it is but don't misunderstand, I'm no saint. I deserve no holiday but I hate to see people hurt. I want them to be happy and content. Maybe content is a better word because we can't always be happy...life just doesn't work that way. However, if there is contentment underneath it all, things are more bearable. I'm learning to be content...it's a long hard road. It would be nice to pretend that all is well all the time but this isn't a Lifetime special, this is life and it's hard. I just think that your family should be there to support you regardless of their opinion of the situation. They also shouldn't judge, they have no right, no one does. If you have never been in another person's shoes then you can't judge their decisions...I don't care what you've been through. Even if you've been through the same situation, it was different, because it was your experience. Just because you or I wouldn't make the same decision in the same situation doesn't make one of us right and one of us wrong, it just makes us different. That's why the world is an interesting place, people are different and interesting. This is not to say that there are not definite rights and definite wrongs but emotional issues aren't usually that black and white.

Anyway, I just needed to put this out there. Keep my family in your thoughts and prayers, things are gonna get rough, but we're gonna make it.

It's almost Christmas...

Today I had lunch at the Olive Garden with the girls...it was wonderful. Some of them brought gifts...I didn't, made me feel like a slouch but they still love me. I miss my girls, and I think it's going to be really weird next May when I'm not in school with these girls anymore...they have become my family. I'm happy to have spent part of my Christmas with them. These girls are my family, at least they have become part of my family. I know that I will probably be friends with most of them for the rest of my life. Will we see each other every day, probably not, but we'll exchange texts, emails and Christmas cards. We might even meet for lunch on my trips back to Amarillo...who knows? However, they have each touched my heart in a special way and that's what Christmas is all about.

I will have Christmas with my actual family on Christmas eve & Christmas day. We'll be at my parents' house on Christmas eve and then at the in-law's for Christmas day. It's gonna be spectacular and we're not really exchanging gifts. We're doing a gift card exchange at my parents and then stocking stuffers and food with his parents. None of us have much money to spend this year so we're just gonna hang out and have a good time!!! I'm excited about seeing the niece and nephews, they're growing so fast. It all happens way too fast. Maybe next year we'll have a little one running around too...who knows? Hopefully the in-laws will have at least two grandkids running around or on the way. Who knows? That's one of those things that we have no control over but we can hope for.

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a blessed new year. I hope that you have time with your family, be they blood or otherwise and that the new year brings you the blessings you hope for.

PYHO

As I sit here watching The Hills, I realize that I have a toxic friendship that I have to end. I have my very own personal Heidi and I have to let her go. I wish this wasn't the case but it is. This is another person in my life who will never get it together because she can't let go of things from her past. She isn't a bad person but she is very selfish and never apologizes. Everything is everyone else's fault, the last argument we had, I had her on speaker so that my husband could hear and he agrees with me, it's always my fault, in her eyes anyway. I hate having to do this, I wish that I was strong enough not to let these people into my life but this friendship began when I was young and I thought that I could help people change. I realize that's not really the case, nor is that my place in life. Unfortunately, adults have to choose to change on their own. We, as their friends, can gently prod them in a certain direction but ultimately they have to choose their own path. Sadly, they sometimes choose the path that leads them the opposite direction of where we want them to go and the friendship has to come to an end. If a friendship feels like a burden and you constantly feel guilty, even though you know you've done nothing wrong, then the relationship isn't healthy and it needs to end. We need friends who are mutually there for us as we are for them and this particular relationship is not that way. I have gotten two calls from this person in the last several days and I have chosen not to answer. I wish that I could sit down and talk to her but it won't work. She doesn't really see reason when it comes to herself, which makes me sad. I think that she has potential to be a great friend but she has to learn to deal with things and learn to relate to people aside from that. It all boils down to a commitment issue, something that she has to fix on her own and obviously, I can't help her. I have tried and I surrender to the fact that I can't because, at this point, she refuses to accept the help. I hate this and I hate this feeling. It seriously makes me sick to my stomach, my stomach is churning even as I write this. I wish that I knew what to say and how to say it so that I could tell her why but she is unable to hear it, I have tried. The last conversation we had, I tried to tell her but she wouldn't hear me and I just can't do it anymore...and it sucks.

Life as we know it...

In 6 months, scratch that 5 months, my life will change dramatically. I am going to graduate with my associate degree in nursing. I'm going to take a test, otherwise known as the Nclex or state boards, and I will be a nurse. Wow...that really just sort of hit me. I mean, it's been on the brink for the whole last semester but there were times that I wasn't sure that I would be able to survive it so I tried to look away. Now it's here and it's official. I was officially a level 4 nursing student as of last Thursday. It blows me away. In 5 months, I will have an impact on people's lives...literally. This is a good thing, but it scares me to death quite honestly. I believe that I am getting the base knowledge that I need to be the best nurse that I can be and yet, there's still much to be learned. I don't know for sure where I want to work but pediatrics was just too awesome. If I thought I could handle it emotionally, I would move to Tennessee and work at St. Jude's Children's Hospital...but I don't know if I'm that strong. I cry whenever the commercials are on and I'm getting a little teary eyed just thinking about it so...there ya go. I'm also very interested in working critical care and I don't care which unit. I would have a choice of CCU (cardiac care unit), SICU (surgical intensive care unit) or MICU (medical intensive care unit). Any of these options appeals to me, especially cardiac care. I got a taste of cardiac in my last med surg rotation and I think I might have found my home...but then there's the little ones and I loved that. I loved newborn nursery too and pediatric icu so who knows? I think I like the intensive care whether it be adult or children. I would love to work at a teaching hospital and do pediatric intensive care...but I don't know that we'll end up in a place that has that. You pretty much have to be in the city for that and the hubs is not a city person. I totally am, which shocks me but he isn't and we both have to be happy, so we'll compromise by living somewhere beautiful and in the mountains. We're going to end up back in Colorado, perhaps in the same place that we were living before we came back to the Texas Panhandle but who knows. I know that we'll go where ever I get a job. I think that we'll be staying here in Texas for a year so that I can get a little nursing experience under my belt. Not that it would matter, I could get a job anyway but we'd like to pay off some debt and save some money before we move. We're planning to find a place and build a house and you can't just do that, without money, so we're gonna get all that worked out. I think this is so scary because I'm/we're starting a new chapter of our lives. I'm going to have a career versus just having a job and then the hubs is going to school. He's had a career, he went to school, but it's definitely time for him to make a change. This career isn't what he wants to do for the rest of his life and now's as good a time as any to make a change. It makes my head spin to think that at this time next year, I will have been in my career for about six months. My classmates and I are planning a trip to Vegas to celebrate. We're waiting six months because it's HOT in Vegas in May and we want to have time to save some money so we can have some fun. I'm going to start working on my bachelor's in January and then decide if I want to go on to get my master's or be content with a bachelor's degree. I really don't know, there are pros and cons to both sides and right now I'm leaning towards a master's but I'll make the final decision when I have my bachelor's. I can't see the future so I don't know what will be happening in my life then, I may decide that a bachelor's is enough and that I want to live my life. I know me though and somehow I feel like I will be able to make a bigger impact as a nurse practicioner and so getting a master's will more than likely be the path I'll choose. If I were in my twenties, I would go to medical school...but I'm in my thirties and I would rather start my career now and work through the rest of my schooling. You can't exactly do that in medical school, working is hardly an option. I know of one school that will allow you to work eight hours a week but no more, which makes sense because there is a lot of studying to be done. Anyway, it's not as if you can just walk up to a medical school and register and go, you have to be accepted and that is a process. I just don't really want to take the time for that. I don't want to put my life on hold so that I can go to school. I know that you don't have to put your life on hold but I think that's what I would choose for me because that would work better, in my mind. Anyway, it's 10:04 and I think it's time to get up and make a pot of coffee, there is football to be watched. Ciao!!!

I don't know about me sometimes...

It's 3:44am and I am still awake. I'm kinda tired but I really want to wake up the hubs and head to Ihop for some coffee and pancakes. However, he's in there snoring and I have a feeling that he wouldn't be too keen on me waking him up right now. I'm going to be really tired tomorrow but since I don't have to go to work, it's all good. I've been reading blogs, well, catching up on some of them and for a split second, I thought about studying for my pediatrics final. But seriously, I don't think studying at this hour would be productive, even if I did have some Ihop coffee!!! I have really got to stop thinking about that because it's making my mouth water. They have cinnamon roll pancakes that are to die for...but that really isn't on my diet and they're pretty rich so two is my limit. I just really want some pancakes and coffee. Yeah, we have frozen waffles and I can make coffee but really, who wants to do that?!?!? Perhaps someone is awake and if I post my wish on facebook, someone will want to go with me...but that would definitely wake the hubs up and I don't know that he would appreciate it. He just cleared his throat so perhaps not. The gooberhead is asleep on the couch and I have gone in there several times to tell him to come to bed but he won't. He'll be annoyed in the morning but I tried and I give up. Things can get a little ugly if I get "pushy" when I want him to come to bed.

We were going to go play some golf in the morning but there's supposed to be a cold front coming in so I don't think we're going to go. The good ole iPhone says it's 46 and feels like 37 outside plus I keep hearing the wind blow so I think golf is out. I don't think a windy day would be a great day to play my first game of golf either...I mean, I doubt I'm gonna be Tiger Woods on my first golf outing and adding wind well...I just think that's a bad idea!!! When I say wind, I'm talking Texas Panhandle wind, where there's nothing to block it and it's madness. They call Chicago "The Windy City" but I'm quite certain that there's more wind here in good old Amarillo, Tx!!! Plus, when the wind blows, it doesn't mess around...LOL!!! Some days I don't really want to drive because the wind could blow my Durango over and the light poles are swaying, along with the traffic lights...it's just crazy!!!

So, instead of golf, I think I'm going to make Hubs take me to the movies!!! Harry Potter and the Deathy Hallows is out and I really want to see it. I just finished reading the book a few months ago because I was a little bit annoyed that it was the last one and I just didn't want to read it. It was good, the ending was totally predictable but hey, the good guy's supposed to win so there you have it. It was the best book, I think but it was a little harder to read. I need to go back and re-read the whole series but that will have to wait until Christmas break. I'm gonna re-read the Twilight books too. I'm a little annoyed that Breaking Dawn: Part 1 isn't out yet...I thought it was supposed to come out last month, apparently, I was wrong. So I googled it and found out that it was supposed to have come out November 18th but clearly, that did not happen. So it might be 2012?!?!? That's just unacceptable...especially since it's a two part movie and I don't want to wait years between the two movies. I honestly don't even want to wait a year but I suppose the actors will need a break between filmings dangit...but if they didn't take one, it would be done...I'm just sayin'!

Oh well...it's now 3:59 and I have run out of things to say...plus I am sleepy and I'm noticing that typing is becoming harder. I'm having to use the backspace key a lot...so perhaps I should go to sleep...but who knows, I might just go get some Ihop coffee and see how the rest of the day goes...

Grief

Grief is a funny thing, not funny haha, funny strange. You think you have it under control and WHAM, it knocks you in the back of the head. After a while, you start to process and return to life as it was but something is still different. I have been through several different grieving processes over the last few weeks. First, I found out, about 3 weeks ago, that my sister-in-law was pregnant. That was extremely bittersweet news. I was happy for her, sad for me. I've been waiting to get pregnant for 12 years...but, that's not the issue. I was still happy for her, it was just hard. I was really getting adjusted to that news when she found out today that she lost the baby. She was 10 weeks and 3 days pregnant. They don't really know what happened, they think it might have been an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy...but still, it just sucks. I also saw on facebook the other day where a guy that I know lost his son...it's not been the best three weeks, for sure. So now, I'm having to continue to grieve but in a whole different way...I just don't like it. Especially for her and Brad...it just sucks. As sad as I was that she was pregnant and I wasn't I certainly didn't want her to lose the baby...not even for a second. So, just as I was getting used to the idea of her having a baby...suddenly, she's not and that's not any better. I want to go back to the way it was...but we can't. We just have to move forward...but it won't be easy. I just hope that no one close to us turns up pregnant anytime soon...that would be really hard. So, if you're reading this, and you're praying folk, pray for our family, and my friend who lost his son and his family, because we need it.