If you're interested in "pouring your heart out", go link up with Shell. And now for our friendly public service announcement, "Just a brief reminder that everyone linking is pouring their hearts out and we should be respectful in our comments".
Today I decided that I would post about how super-sensitive I am. I've always been this way, I get my feelings hurt easily but I don't always say anything because I would never want to hurt someone else's feelings, even if they hurt mine first. It's not as if I run around bawling my eyes out about every little comment that people make, I am better about not letting everything get to me, but some things really do. I tend to take it very personally when someone doesn't like me, for whatever reason. The person that I was speaking of in my last couple of PYHO posts is one of those. It really truly hurts my feelings, or it did, that this person doesn't like me. I didn't realize it until I was talking to one of my sisters about it and she said that it hurt my feelings. *lightbulb* That statement was extremely helpful in figuring out how I really felt about that whole situation and helped me come to terms with it.
Yesterday, I found out that I was not eligible for rehire at one of the hospitals here and it really hurt. The situation in which this came about is long and drawn out and very dramatic and I'm not going to rehash it here. Mainly because I think that's inappropriate considering that I am applying for a job there. Needless to say, I'm certain that I did the right thing but I ended up getting fired for it. I still stand by what I did but the actual firing was supposedly because a doctor made a complaint against me. I doubt very seriously that happened. I wish I'd had the guts to call that doctor's office and check it out for myself but I didn't. Part of it was that I hated my job and I was looking for a way out and I was naive enough to think that it didn't matter, but it did. I was a little self-satisfied and stupid, but I was young. That was during my first round of nursing school and I just didn't realize how important some things are. Had I known then what I know now, I would have fought it. I don't know that I would have wanted to stay in that particular department because I'm certain they would have made my life a living hell. I tried to rectify the situation anyway by taking the weekend night shift and they wouldn't have it and I thought that was all I could do.
Anyway, the fact that they marked me eligible for rehire really hurt my feelings at first but then it made me really angry. These particular people had sent me to a counselor because they said that I was hard to work with. The counselor said, and I quote, "You do know that you're too smart to be working in that department, right"? Now, that makes me sound very arrogant and believe me, I'm not. I know that I am smart, but I also know that I am not the smartest person on the planet, there are people who are much smarter than I am but not everyone is, especially these particular people. The counselor went on to say that jealousy had a lot to do with the whole situation and he was right. I was the only one in school in the entire department, at least that I was aware of. I was getting an actual degree, not the certificates that the director had. Now, I am not putting the director down, perhaps that was all he was capable of but on the other hand, circumstance could have prevented a further degree. I don't know nor do I claim to know. I do know that in this particular instance, those certificates didn't qualify this person for a director's position. I should have known when I got sent to the counselor that the firing was coming, apparently they were smarter than I gave them credit for at the time. They led me like a lamb to the slaughter. Oh well, I forgive them, they're the ones who have to answer for what they did.
But, as usual, I digress. So back to the fact that it made me very angry. I ranted and raved about all of their mistakes and missteps, thinking that would make me feel better, and it did somewhat, but I feel much better about the whole thing today. I figured out that I take things too personally. While I do feel that the course of action that they took when they fired me was personal, I'm over it. I know what I have to do to resolve it and I will get it taken care of. I am getting a thicker skin than what I used to have but deep down, things still bother me. It's why I talk about things over and over, I am trying to figure out in my head what I did wrong when I just need to stop and look at the situation for what it is. If I would take the time to figure out that I don't have as much power and control as I assign myself sometimes, I would realize that a lot of what happens to me or how people treat me isn't personal. This is an epiphany but it takes some time to make my brain believe it.
That being said, I hope everyone has a great Wednesday and takes the opportunity to "Pour Your Heart Out"!
