Why does what we think about ourselves affect everything else in our lives so intensely?

I really wanted to blog today but the first thing that was on my mind isn't something that I can just put out there right now...I just can't. It's nothing bad it's just something that I don't want to deal with, which led me to this blog. I went and reread all my online journal entries and it got me thinking, "Why is our entire thought process so driven by what we think of ourselves"?

Rationally, we know that what we think of ourselves can be very inaccurate, especially when it comes to weight and yet, that's the one thing that we can't seem to control our mind on. I struggle with this on a constant basis as does many of my friends and family. Still, weight is just a part of life, not part of what makes me a person or influences my personality. Granted, at this point in my life I have chosen to be overweight, by a lot, when you take my BMI into consideration but I am happy. Well, I am happy with other things in my life and I keep putting my weight on the backburner because it seems that other things are more important. It's not that my weight isn't one of my issues, I just don't tend to be as concerned with it as other things. Yet, it can be my defining characteristic in some settings...why is that? It's so strange to me that one thing can totally consume my life. If it's not my weight, it's my grades, if it's not grades, it's fertility. Geez, can a girl get a moment of peace?

The thing is, this doesn't just happen to me, it happens to most of the people around me. I won't say everyone because I do know a few people who appear satisfied with their lives. It's not that I am unsatisfied with mine I just can't seem to project it they way they can. I don't know why, I just can't. So it seems as though, if someone else can control their opinion of themselves, why can't I? I guess this "bothers" me so much because sometimes I can just be myself, no holds barred, and people still like me. So, what keeps me from being that way all the time. The people who know me the best have seen me at my worst and they haven't gone running and yet, I feel like I can't be that person around some people. Maybe I'm afraid that they'll be judgmental, not that I should care, but maybe that's what it is. Maybe I'm afraid that I'll offend someone so I hold things back. I wish I could figure it out. It would make my brain a much calmer place sometimes.

Anyway, I just wanted to put that out there...so there it is. :) Have a happy & safe & blessed Easter weekend everyone!

Friday Confessional

Well, I felt as if I should confess since it's Friday confessional. I haven't done a darn thing today, I have been lazy. I have played Words with Friends, Scrabble and Zombie Farm all day...so I have been lazy! I have an excuse, but no one wants to hear it, trust me! ;) Anyway, there's that.

I am excited about this weekend. It's Easter weekend and I am spending it with my family, both sides. We're spending Saturday with Bobby's family and Sunday with my family. I should probably call my mom and tell her that we're coming. However, I doubt that she'll be upset that we show up. Advance warning is always good though, besides, she's my mom, she'll cook something awesome!!! :D

The other thing that I must confess is that I am afraid of this semester, I am just not into it. I have to start studying though. I will start Monday, I will be a good little student for the rest of this semester. I have about a week break before I start my summer class. I am excited about summer school though, because I got the class I wanted!!! I am a little worried about the fast pace of the summer class and how I'm going to pay for it but I will figure it out!

Ok, that's enough confessional, I think I've gotten it all off my chest...LOL

Interesting thought...

Ok, I have to start writing this before the page is finished loading because I will forget. I hate that I have a sorry short term memory but I have an incredible long term memory to make up for it. I have an iphone to compensate for my short term memory issues.

Anyway, I just had a thought that is incredible for me. I have always thought of myself as a "medical" person. I am even, still at this moment, entertaining the thought of going through the 3 year family medicine program at Texas Tech. This is an afterthought, of course, to finishing nursing school. The other side of me is a literary person. I love to read, always have. I started reading at 4 and haven't stopped since. Right now, being a nursing student, I don't do as much extra curricular reading as I'd like but I am meandering through the phenomenon that is The Twilight Saga for the second time. Anyway, I want to be a writer. There, I finally said it. I said I wanted to write a book in my bucket list blog but writing a book and being a writer are two entirely different things.

Let me explain. I have a book that I have read over and over called "Say Goodnight, Gracie" by Julie Reece Deaver and it is one of my all time favorites. It is a book about a girl, Morgan, who's best friend is killed. It's the story of her grief. Anyway, it touched me. I read it my sophomore year in high school and have continued to read it since then. However, I thought it was the only book she'd ever written. Thanks to the wonders of Google, I just found that wasn't true. However, until just a minute ago, I thought it was the only book she'd written. I have another book that I love called, "The Tender Bar" by J.R. Moehringer that I picked up at Borders in Oklahoma City because the cover looked intriguing. It's actually a memoir and, as far as I can tell, the only book he's ever written. He did collaborate with Andre Agassi on his autobiography but he's not written another book. I don't know if he's a good example for my point or not but some people, are just born to tell stories in book form and some aren't. I hope that I am, but we'll see because I know that writing is a tedious process.

Some of the factors that I consider about being a writer is that I am able to sit in front of the computer for hours on end. I don't know if this is good or bad but I am able to do it with very few interruptions. I tend to be on the internet a great deal of the day, which might contribute to the fact that I am struggling in one of my classes at the moment but that's another story. The other thing that makes me think that I might enjoy being a writer is the fact that I love to write. Even as I am sitting here "writing" this blog, I feel peaceful. I feel the same way with nursing...so perhaps I have a split personality. Anyway, there, it's out there for all to see now, I want to write. Say what you will.

A title for my book

I have come up with a title for my book, "Random Rantings of a Self-Involved Sarah". I think I might just publish my blog & see how that goes. Obviously, there will have to be a lot more writing done before it's even close to a book. Even if I don't publish my blog, I'll figure something out. I think I want to be Jen Lancaster, but since that job is taken, I'll just have to be me. ;) I'm not so bad. I'm a little selfish and lazy but you won't find a more loyal friend than me. I know that sounds conceited but it's true, ask my friends. I get a little crazy when people mess with my friends and/or family. I even get protective of people I don't really know. If someone were to do something to my internet friends Kristi, Jayne or Linda, I would have to retaliate. I have never met these amazing women in person and yet I would do whatever I could to help them. So, as a side note, don't mess with my friends and/or family unless you want to deal with me. I mean that as a threat, not a promise, ok?

Ok, anyway, back to my title. I am pretty self-involved. I like for things to go my way and to be able to do what I want whenever I want. However, I am not conceited, I don't think. I definitely try not to be. I have to work on my self-confidence because I want to be a confident woman but that is a super hard thing to accomplish. Although, I did have an epiphany the other day...I'm not so bad. There are things I need to work on, for sure, but I am who I am & doggonnit, people like me!!! There's my token Stewart Smalley reference. I know, I didn't get the whole thing in there but I got what I think is the funniest part! Anyway, I know that part of being confident is just being confident. It's amazing what your brain can do for you. So, I have decided to work on my self-confidence and just be happy with who I am. I am working on self-improvement currently. I am in school and am working on losing weight. I have the hair cut that I like so that part is good. Now for the body. I realize that this is a long process so I have to keep telling myself that I'm gonna make it.

Friday Confessional

I've heard that confession is good for the soul. I keep reading about this on my friend Linda's blog so I thought I would join in the fun!!!

Today I have done absolutely nothing productive. I haven't wanted to, it's the last day of spring break & I am sad. I don't want to cook supper, I don't want to go buy a new spaghetti pot, I don't want to do a darn thing. I'm going to have to though...dangit. I'll go in a little bit though. I just don't want to right now.

I have been sitting at my computer, doing nothing, since I got home from having lunch with the hubby. This is after I got up at 11 am. I have been playing Treasure Madness all day & haven't stopped because I wanted to level up again. I need to be studying, but I don't want to...

Ok, 3rd & final confession for today. I am about to start searching for a way to make spaghetti without boiling it. If I can't find something easy enough for me to do then I will have to make the trip to Wal-Mart to buy a new spaghetti pot. I don't want to go to Wal-Mart...or make spaghetti, or take a shower or anything else. I just want to sit & play Treasure Madness...LOL

Here's a start to a new me!

Slow and steady wins the race...

This is sometimes a hard thing to swallow...because we are such an instant gratification nation. We want everything faster and better. I watched "Disclosure" the other night and the guy on the ferry kept saying, "faster, cheaper, better" which is exactly what we are programmed to want. No wonder it's hard to lose weight!!! That is not a fast process. It's even harder for those of us who are not patient, me being the prime suspect!!! I am so impatient it's not even funny, I was definitely meant to be part of this age: "faster, cheaper, better" since I can hardly wait for the atm to spit out my money or for the webpage to load on my browser. Honestly, I don't think there's a computer out there that's fast enough for me...LOL...which in a way is kind of sad.

I read one of my friend's blogs today about how she is on "a quest for a new me" which is something I have been trying to do myself. My problem has been that I am too impatient and expect myself to be able to change overnight. Rome wasn't built in a day, God didn't make the earth in a day, what makes me think I can do it in a day??? It was the word quest that caught my attention. This change, it's a process. Wow, that isn't earth shattering to some people, but in a way, it was to me. This morning, my alarm didn't go off. This is my fault, I forgot to lock my phone after it went off the first time this morning or after I did something. Anyway, so I was running around thinking that i don't have time to do all the stuff I planned to do today when it hit me, why do I have to get this done today? What I had planned to do was to go get some more cut off my hair and get it colored, I even told my stylist that I would, but, because of other things I have planned that are more important, I don't have time. Simple solution, call her and let her know that I'll be in on Friday or Saturday this week, depending on when I come back from Lubbock. If not one of those days, I can do it next Monday. It's spring break, I need to "break". Granted, I have homework to do but I can get it done during the week. I am going to study at one and that is going to help with my homework!!! Plus, school has to come first but that doesn't mean that everything else has to fall by the wayside. So, I'm prioritizing, which isn't something I like to do because, I think I have to do everything I have planned and if I don't, I'm a failure...that thinking stops, well, at least my correcting it stops today. Obviously, I can't change this thought pattern overnight but I can work on it...which is why I'm sitting here writing this blog instead of doing the million other things that I had planned to do today. I'm on a quest, right along with my friend! So, here goes nothing...