And they say women are bitchy...

Let me just say that this whole "argument" started over me making coffee...yeah, coffee. He says, "I've got the coffee pot about free". I heard, "You can come make coffee now", so I go in there to make coffee & he gets all pissy & says I'm in his way. I left the coffee pot full of water by the sink. I explained above conversation to him & he said he was sorry. Then I wipe off the top of the coffee pot, because it was sort of dusty & he gets mad at me again. I left the kitchen & told him to let me know when the coast was clear for me to make coffee because I didn't want to get in his way...and they say women are bitchy. Mind you, he does have a cold, which he caught from me, but this is not my fault. Men are such whiny babies when they're sick!!!

On to another rant, which I actually agree with. We went to take out our trash yesterday or the day before & found that our neighbors across the alley have filled up every single dumpster in our alley! There's either 4 or 5 dumpsters, 2 within close range of both of our houses. These idiots filled EVERY SINGLE DUMPSTER. So, I've decided to make a "Bad Neighbor Award" and mail it to them, along with a note that explains why it is unacceptable to fill every dumpster in the alley...really!!! Ok, so this one does kind of make me a bitch but, am I wrong???

Well, that's it for now...gotta go have some coffee so I can be less bitchy!!!

Thanks marymac & Jen Lancaster!!!

I love to read people's blogs. You get so much great information, there are blogs about everything out there! Mine is just my personal place to rant & rave or update my loyal readers about what's happening in my life though...sorry! ;) I'm a bit self-centered & I really do think that the world revolves around me...actually, I've convinced myself of this & I am very offended when things don't go my way. It's true, if you know me, you know this & yet, you still love me so thanks!

Ok, back to the original reason for this blog...thanking marymac & Jen Lancaster. So, I said in one of my previous blogs that I want to write a book. I do, I always have. It seems strange though since I am not really a literary person, or I don't consider myself one. I love to read. I don't get to do much of it right now since I'm in school but I do during the breaks. During the last break I read the Twilight series which I absolutely loved. But I digress...not that anyone is shocked by that. Anyway, I really do want to write a book. I want to write the same kind of book that Jen Lancaster writes, I just want it to be about me & my life. I think my life is pretty interesting & sometimes funny, maybe not outright hilarious but it is sometimes. (I already said I'm self-centered so there ya have it!) Anyway, marymac interviewed Jen Lancaster & she gave some great advice on writing. Check out marymac's blog at http://www.pajamasandcoffee.com/. It's incredible!!! Jen Lancaster also has a blog at http://www.jennsylvania.com if you haven't read it already.

Anyway, I just wanted to put this out there...in the blogsphere. I like blogging, I like writing, well, electronically anyway. So here I am, tell me what you think! :)

I want a hollywood life!!!

I have decided that I no longer want to live in the real world, I want to live in a show...Ghost Whisperer, Californication, Sex & the City, Lipstick Jungle, pick one, I just don't want to live in the real world anymore. I don't like it here, it's too real & too harsh. I know, I'm being a little bit whiny but it's just how I feel today. I am working on a nursing degree & getting picked apart about things that will make not one single bit of difference in my nursing career & I am just over it. So today, I want to live in Hollywood & live a mostly happy life. At least I would have very little major issues to deal with & even if I had issues, I would have a great therapist & great drugs to take care of them. I'm not saying I want to be on drugs, I don't...the therapist idea isn't so bad & yet, I have this lovely blog & my friends as my therapists. I don't have to pay for this either so this is great therapy. Sometimes I think I should be a therapist, just for the free therapy...HA!!! Yeah, I know, I'm too cynical to be a therapist on most days but I do care about other people & their problems but this is MY blog so I'm allowed to be a bit self-centered here, I think! People's opinions & stances all come from their own personal perspectives right? This is mine, for better or worse.

Anyway, back to the issue at hand, I want to live in either a novel or a tv show or a movie...I just don't want to live in the real world at the moment. Yes, tomorrow I will wake up & go to school & do all those lovely things that are part of being in the real world but then I have a break for a week. If I had any sense, I would run for the hills, learn to be happy flipping burgers & go on. I can't though, I'm not made of that kind of fabric...or something. I have this little problem called ambition. I don't know that it's really a problem but, at the moment, it is. At least if I were in a tv show, someone else could solve my problems or again, I would have therapy. Perhaps I do need therapy, it would be nice to have an unbiased third party but then, eventually, we all become biased so...I would have to switch therapists. Geez, my head is a busy place...see what cold medicine does to you???

Blogging

Blogging is something that we do to express ourselves...we put things in our blogs that we might not say out loud, they are our safe place...sometimes! Obviously, we put a lot of things out there for people to read/see/judge but then again, blogs are faceless, sort of, so they're safe, in that respect. However, I would love to make money just by blogging but my life is not that interesting, so that's not going to happen. There are movies, series and other things out there about people that blog for a living. First it was Sex & the City & Carrie. Carrie was our idol, for 6 seasons. I miss Carrie but I know that she had to go on with her life with Big. So, there's that but still, I feel like some things are unresolved. I haven't seen the movie yet because I was told not to see it until I finished watching the series. I just finished the series the other day so I am ready to see the movie now. Supposedly, there's going to be a 2nd movie but we'll see. I don't know how you can follow that movie, there will always be things that are unresolved...that's why we have blogs. Blogs help us work things out, talk things out, if you will. This blog isn't about working things out, it's just about blogging. Some of my other posts are blogs that help me work things out...this is my safe place. I have another blog/online diary where I post things that only I can read to work out the really screwed up things that I think about from time to time. They're probably not as screwed up as I think that they are but I am unwilling to put them out there for judgment. Here, I don't worry about being judged, I have great friends & family that read this blog & they know me & love me regardless. I just have to have a place where I can completely let loose & say all the things that I want to say out loud but can't, for reasons that we all understand. Obviously, due to societal rules & common decency, we just can't always say what we're thinking. We still think it & then sometimes we say things, a watered down version of what we're thinking. The worst is when we actually say what we're thinking, when our brain/mouth filter fails for some unknown reason & someone is either offended or gets their feelings hurt. I hate when I do that but usually, it feels good to have said what I did. I don't like to offend or hurt people's feelings but sometimes, what I think, is hurtful or offensive to someone. However, my brain/mouth filter doesn't work, a lot...it happens though. Anyway, I just wanted to put this out there...sorry if it offends anyone! :)

FRUSTRATION!!!!! (Warning: A long winded rant!!!)

At the moment, I have had it with my life. I am tempted to say the hell with everything & move to the beach & be a beach bum for the rest of my life, either that or move to the mountains & be a "ski" bum. I had to write a research paper for my health assessment class & I am just over it. I need it to be spring break, I need the hell out of Amarillo for a week, I just don't want to do it. (Just so you know, I am ranting, I will not quit school...maybe) I am over stupid research papers and all the busy work that the AC nursing program has us doing. I am a nursing student, not an English major, why the hell am I doing a research paper??? I am not a master's level student, I'm an associate's level student!!!! I had to take English as one of my core classes & I spent the better part of English 1302 writing papers so, I think, since I passed both English classes, my ability to write a paper, should be clear. This kind of stupid crap makes me want to poke myself in the eye with a fork...seriously. I just don't understand why, as a nursing student, I have to do all this busywork. I have enough to do!!!! I am taking 3 nursing classes & believe me, there is enough to read that I really don't have time to do a whole lot else. All this is doing is inspiring me NOT to continue my education because I don't want to write any more damn papers. Seriously, I would rather touch my hand to a hot stove. I know that seems extreme but it would be less painful, trust me. I am all about doing the necessary things. That is not to say that I just want to do the minimum, I want to do whatever is necessary to make me the best nurse I can be & I can assure you that a research paper will not help!!! Again, I am going into nursing, not journalism! If I wanted to write, I would get a degree in mass comm or journalism or English, but I don't want to write, it's not my thing...obviously. What sucks is that I did this stupid paper but I left out stuff & now I have to add to it. Part of what I have to add is in the reference page so what's the point??? Someone please, stick a hot poker in my eye, I can't take it anymore!!!!

What is with me lately???

If anyone has any spare motivation just laying around...I need it. I don't know what's with me this semester but I can't seem to get motivated!!! I was off all day today & did not one thing for school!!! I wonder if some of it might be a mental block for my ob class but that can't be the whole story. Luckily, we don't have school tomorrow so I am going to work my butt off & get some things done!!! It's unusual, as far as school goes, for me to put things off this much. I am the queen of procrastination but not usually as much when it comes to school.

I don't know, I just know that if I don't get it in gear, I'm gonna be in trouble...so someone, please send me some motivation, or a kick in the hiney!!! Thanks!!!!

My heart hurts...(this is long & drawn out, fair warning)

So my ob class has reopened an old wound that I was really hoping to avoid, as I sit here listening to the stupid Creed song, "With Arms Wide Open" as if writing this doesn't make me emotional enough...seriously?!?!?!? I hate this part of me, this is the one time that I don't like to be a woman because this is something that I have no control over!!! I hate being emotional & vulnerable!!!! I am not usually this open or this vulnerable but here goes. I am putting this out there for my friends so that if something happens, you will understand or at least know that I am not losing it...theoretically anyway.

Today in class I found myself getting emotional as we talked about giving birth...the labor process. This is something that I fear that I will never get to experience personally. I have been diagnosed as infertile. Luckily, it's not something that is irreversible or beyond "repair" but it makes things all the more difficult. I feel inadequate, broken, useless...as if I am unable to perform a certain task set before me due to inadequacy. This is not something that anyone else has put on me, it's just how I feel & I am afraid that it is something that I will be unable to contain as this class progresses.

I am scared to death that I will lose it in clinicals...as I'm watching someone else give birth. Luckily, tears are expected but I think that I may completely lose control & that scares me to death...I don't want to ruin someone else's perfect moment. I sit here really at a loss because I don't really know how to act or how to react.

I would never begrudge someone a child, everyone deserves one...every one apparently but me. I think...and yet I know, in my head, that this isn't true. Emotionally, it's a whole different ballgame...and I am really tired of playing. It's something that I can't win & I drag it around, completely hidden most of the time & then, without warning, it rears it's ugly head.

I thought I was done with this...I thought I had it under control. I had accepted the fact that I might never have a child, and then this class started and I sat there thinking, what if it never does??? I don't know if I can live with that. Ultimately, I have no choice, I'm not willing to end my life because of it but, deep down, I feel as if I can never be complete..and that feeling totally sucks. I know that isn't true, I don't need a child to complete me. I have a wonderful husband & family that love me regardless but there's still that emptiness that I don't know how to fill.

Obviously, there's always adoption, but...it's not the same. Someone who has never been here can never fully understand that either. That isn't to say that you can't sympathize or even empathize but you can't feel it for me. Believe me, if you could take this, I would let you...for a time, but it's my battle to fight but I don't really know how sometimes. This is one of those times. It's something that I have to work out in my mind & get it all figured out because I don't want to be vulnerable or ruin someone else's experience.

I didn't realize it until now but I was pretty ambivalent going into this class & now I realize that was my defense mechanism, which clearly didn't work! Not that it's any surprise but still, I wish I could just be accepting, or cope with it without being emotional about it. Some days I can...today, I can't. Today in class, I nearly lost it but luckily I was able to cover it with laughter. We were talking about having to watch the dads as well as mom & baby because some of them aren't good with the blood & everything and it hit me that I may never have to worry about that.

Please don't think that I am having a pity party, I'm not, it just helps me to "verbalize" what I'm feeling, this is how I work things out...plus, I want my fellow students who read this to be aware just in case. I feel like I should tell someone at school but I can't bring myself to do it...I laugh it off & say that I can wait for 3 more semesters and at the beginning of this, I thought I could...now I'm not so sure.

Please pray that I am able to resolve this without a major public meltdown...I don't want that. Not because I will be embarrassed, but because I just don't want to go through that again. I have been through this multiple times...throughout all the fertility testing & those first few years when we didn't know what was going on. Now we know & it's a simple enough "fix" but there are other things to consider. I'm turning 33 in 2 days...so I am almost considered high risk. I know, women older than me have babies all the time but still...I don't want to have to think about all that goes along with that. I'm just very torn, confused and unsure...and I don't like it. The vulnerability sucks...badly.

I know that this is tough to read and for that, I apologize. I just wanted to make those of you close to me aware of what I'm going through so that you know what's going on if I happen to break down....By the way, I am going to get me some ice cream tomorrow, since I got a coupon from Coldstone for my birthday & talk this over with a friend! :)