I want a hollywood life!!!

I have decided that I no longer want to live in the real world, I want to live in a show...Ghost Whisperer, Californication, Sex & the City, Lipstick Jungle, pick one, I just don't want to live in the real world anymore. I don't like it here, it's too real & too harsh. I know, I'm being a little bit whiny but it's just how I feel today. I am working on a nursing degree & getting picked apart about things that will make not one single bit of difference in my nursing career & I am just over it. So today, I want to live in Hollywood & live a mostly happy life. At least I would have very little major issues to deal with & even if I had issues, I would have a great therapist & great drugs to take care of them. I'm not saying I want to be on drugs, I don't...the therapist idea isn't so bad & yet, I have this lovely blog & my friends as my therapists. I don't have to pay for this either so this is great therapy. Sometimes I think I should be a therapist, just for the free therapy...HA!!! Yeah, I know, I'm too cynical to be a therapist on most days but I do care about other people & their problems but this is MY blog so I'm allowed to be a bit self-centered here, I think! People's opinions & stances all come from their own personal perspectives right? This is mine, for better or worse.

Anyway, back to the issue at hand, I want to live in either a novel or a tv show or a movie...I just don't want to live in the real world at the moment. Yes, tomorrow I will wake up & go to school & do all those lovely things that are part of being in the real world but then I have a break for a week. If I had any sense, I would run for the hills, learn to be happy flipping burgers & go on. I can't though, I'm not made of that kind of fabric...or something. I have this little problem called ambition. I don't know that it's really a problem but, at the moment, it is. At least if I were in a tv show, someone else could solve my problems or again, I would have therapy. Perhaps I do need therapy, it would be nice to have an unbiased third party but then, eventually, we all become biased so...I would have to switch therapists. Geez, my head is a busy place...see what cold medicine does to you???

Blogging

Blogging is something that we do to express ourselves...we put things in our blogs that we might not say out loud, they are our safe place...sometimes! Obviously, we put a lot of things out there for people to read/see/judge but then again, blogs are faceless, sort of, so they're safe, in that respect. However, I would love to make money just by blogging but my life is not that interesting, so that's not going to happen. There are movies, series and other things out there about people that blog for a living. First it was Sex & the City & Carrie. Carrie was our idol, for 6 seasons. I miss Carrie but I know that she had to go on with her life with Big. So, there's that but still, I feel like some things are unresolved. I haven't seen the movie yet because I was told not to see it until I finished watching the series. I just finished the series the other day so I am ready to see the movie now. Supposedly, there's going to be a 2nd movie but we'll see. I don't know how you can follow that movie, there will always be things that are unresolved...that's why we have blogs. Blogs help us work things out, talk things out, if you will. This blog isn't about working things out, it's just about blogging. Some of my other posts are blogs that help me work things out...this is my safe place. I have another blog/online diary where I post things that only I can read to work out the really screwed up things that I think about from time to time. They're probably not as screwed up as I think that they are but I am unwilling to put them out there for judgment. Here, I don't worry about being judged, I have great friends & family that read this blog & they know me & love me regardless. I just have to have a place where I can completely let loose & say all the things that I want to say out loud but can't, for reasons that we all understand. Obviously, due to societal rules & common decency, we just can't always say what we're thinking. We still think it & then sometimes we say things, a watered down version of what we're thinking. The worst is when we actually say what we're thinking, when our brain/mouth filter fails for some unknown reason & someone is either offended or gets their feelings hurt. I hate when I do that but usually, it feels good to have said what I did. I don't like to offend or hurt people's feelings but sometimes, what I think, is hurtful or offensive to someone. However, my brain/mouth filter doesn't work, a lot...it happens though. Anyway, I just wanted to put this out there...sorry if it offends anyone! :)

FRUSTRATION!!!!! (Warning: A long winded rant!!!)

At the moment, I have had it with my life. I am tempted to say the hell with everything & move to the beach & be a beach bum for the rest of my life, either that or move to the mountains & be a "ski" bum. I had to write a research paper for my health assessment class & I am just over it. I need it to be spring break, I need the hell out of Amarillo for a week, I just don't want to do it. (Just so you know, I am ranting, I will not quit school...maybe) I am over stupid research papers and all the busy work that the AC nursing program has us doing. I am a nursing student, not an English major, why the hell am I doing a research paper??? I am not a master's level student, I'm an associate's level student!!!! I had to take English as one of my core classes & I spent the better part of English 1302 writing papers so, I think, since I passed both English classes, my ability to write a paper, should be clear. This kind of stupid crap makes me want to poke myself in the eye with a fork...seriously. I just don't understand why, as a nursing student, I have to do all this busywork. I have enough to do!!!! I am taking 3 nursing classes & believe me, there is enough to read that I really don't have time to do a whole lot else. All this is doing is inspiring me NOT to continue my education because I don't want to write any more damn papers. Seriously, I would rather touch my hand to a hot stove. I know that seems extreme but it would be less painful, trust me. I am all about doing the necessary things. That is not to say that I just want to do the minimum, I want to do whatever is necessary to make me the best nurse I can be & I can assure you that a research paper will not help!!! Again, I am going into nursing, not journalism! If I wanted to write, I would get a degree in mass comm or journalism or English, but I don't want to write, it's not my thing...obviously. What sucks is that I did this stupid paper but I left out stuff & now I have to add to it. Part of what I have to add is in the reference page so what's the point??? Someone please, stick a hot poker in my eye, I can't take it anymore!!!!

What is with me lately???

If anyone has any spare motivation just laying around...I need it. I don't know what's with me this semester but I can't seem to get motivated!!! I was off all day today & did not one thing for school!!! I wonder if some of it might be a mental block for my ob class but that can't be the whole story. Luckily, we don't have school tomorrow so I am going to work my butt off & get some things done!!! It's unusual, as far as school goes, for me to put things off this much. I am the queen of procrastination but not usually as much when it comes to school.

I don't know, I just know that if I don't get it in gear, I'm gonna be in trouble...so someone, please send me some motivation, or a kick in the hiney!!! Thanks!!!!

My heart hurts...(this is long & drawn out, fair warning)

So my ob class has reopened an old wound that I was really hoping to avoid, as I sit here listening to the stupid Creed song, "With Arms Wide Open" as if writing this doesn't make me emotional enough...seriously?!?!?!? I hate this part of me, this is the one time that I don't like to be a woman because this is something that I have no control over!!! I hate being emotional & vulnerable!!!! I am not usually this open or this vulnerable but here goes. I am putting this out there for my friends so that if something happens, you will understand or at least know that I am not losing it...theoretically anyway.

Today in class I found myself getting emotional as we talked about giving birth...the labor process. This is something that I fear that I will never get to experience personally. I have been diagnosed as infertile. Luckily, it's not something that is irreversible or beyond "repair" but it makes things all the more difficult. I feel inadequate, broken, useless...as if I am unable to perform a certain task set before me due to inadequacy. This is not something that anyone else has put on me, it's just how I feel & I am afraid that it is something that I will be unable to contain as this class progresses.

I am scared to death that I will lose it in clinicals...as I'm watching someone else give birth. Luckily, tears are expected but I think that I may completely lose control & that scares me to death...I don't want to ruin someone else's perfect moment. I sit here really at a loss because I don't really know how to act or how to react.

I would never begrudge someone a child, everyone deserves one...every one apparently but me. I think...and yet I know, in my head, that this isn't true. Emotionally, it's a whole different ballgame...and I am really tired of playing. It's something that I can't win & I drag it around, completely hidden most of the time & then, without warning, it rears it's ugly head.

I thought I was done with this...I thought I had it under control. I had accepted the fact that I might never have a child, and then this class started and I sat there thinking, what if it never does??? I don't know if I can live with that. Ultimately, I have no choice, I'm not willing to end my life because of it but, deep down, I feel as if I can never be complete..and that feeling totally sucks. I know that isn't true, I don't need a child to complete me. I have a wonderful husband & family that love me regardless but there's still that emptiness that I don't know how to fill.

Obviously, there's always adoption, but...it's not the same. Someone who has never been here can never fully understand that either. That isn't to say that you can't sympathize or even empathize but you can't feel it for me. Believe me, if you could take this, I would let you...for a time, but it's my battle to fight but I don't really know how sometimes. This is one of those times. It's something that I have to work out in my mind & get it all figured out because I don't want to be vulnerable or ruin someone else's experience.

I didn't realize it until now but I was pretty ambivalent going into this class & now I realize that was my defense mechanism, which clearly didn't work! Not that it's any surprise but still, I wish I could just be accepting, or cope with it without being emotional about it. Some days I can...today, I can't. Today in class, I nearly lost it but luckily I was able to cover it with laughter. We were talking about having to watch the dads as well as mom & baby because some of them aren't good with the blood & everything and it hit me that I may never have to worry about that.

Please don't think that I am having a pity party, I'm not, it just helps me to "verbalize" what I'm feeling, this is how I work things out...plus, I want my fellow students who read this to be aware just in case. I feel like I should tell someone at school but I can't bring myself to do it...I laugh it off & say that I can wait for 3 more semesters and at the beginning of this, I thought I could...now I'm not so sure.

Please pray that I am able to resolve this without a major public meltdown...I don't want that. Not because I will be embarrassed, but because I just don't want to go through that again. I have been through this multiple times...throughout all the fertility testing & those first few years when we didn't know what was going on. Now we know & it's a simple enough "fix" but there are other things to consider. I'm turning 33 in 2 days...so I am almost considered high risk. I know, women older than me have babies all the time but still...I don't want to have to think about all that goes along with that. I'm just very torn, confused and unsure...and I don't like it. The vulnerability sucks...badly.

I know that this is tough to read and for that, I apologize. I just wanted to make those of you close to me aware of what I'm going through so that you know what's going on if I happen to break down....By the way, I am going to get me some ice cream tomorrow, since I got a coupon from Coldstone for my birthday & talk this over with a friend! :)

My Maternal & Women's Health class

I just finished reading the first chapter in my maternity & women's health book for my class. I have to say, I read some things that could make me become an activist, mainly for women in poorer, unindustrialized countries. I had to look up a word in the section about genital mutliation & what I found out made me sick. I had heard of this practice before but seriously??? It absolutely blows my mind that these kind of practices take place today. The worst part is, there is an ethical dilemma on whether or not to repair this practice!!!! I'm sorry, but do you have your brain intact today??? How is this an ethical dilemma??? How could anyone with a soul not repair this mutilation??? I don't get it. To me, it would be unethical not to fix this, I don't know what countries practice these things but whoever does should be obliterated, seriously, not because they abuse women but because they apparently have no regard for humanity.

The other thing that reading this chapter made me want to do is become involved in politics. Now, as most of you know I am extremely opinionated when it comes to politics but I am not unable to hear the "other side's" point of view. I enjoy a healthy debate as much as the next person. The fact that so much has to be done for women's health care & that so little is done, shocks me. I guess it doesn't but it flabbergasts me. There are so many issues that I can't even pick just one to be passionate about or to write about here...this would be the longest blog in the history of the world if I did!!! Let's just say that we need to seriously think about how our health care is delivered & the standards at which we practice.

Anyway, before I get on a soap box I can't get off of, let me say this. If I choose to be an ob/gyn nurse, I will give the best care that I am capable of giving. If I see something wrong, I will do whatever I have to do to fix it, even if it involves becoming involved in politics. It saddens me to think that I might have to be involved in "extreme" behavior to get what should be a standard of practice, accomplished.

I think I am going to thoroughly enjoy this class. I am extremely opinionated when it comes to women's health care & how it is delivered. Ask my husband, he will tell you...he has gone so far as to say that he would prefer to not be in the delivery room when I have our children because I will be driving the nurses crazy!!! LOL...it's probably true but I am just very set in my opinions about certain things that I will & will not do. None of them are unreasonable, they are just my opinions. I'll keep you posted as things develop!!! Have a great week!!!

Well here goes...

Ok, back to purple posting, Vikings be damned...LOL!!! Anyway, I sit here at my computer at 0714, which is 7:14am for those of you not familiar with military time and most of you probably are. I am trying to get in the habit of using it as it's what I will use to chart when I am a nurse! Anyway, I am sitting here blogging so early because I decided to get up early this morning since I will have to get up early for classes tomorrow & from Tuesday on out for the semester. I will have to get up earlier for clinicals but I'll worry about that later. Right now I think 0630 is early enough!!! That's what time I have to be at clinicals so I'll probably get up at 0430 on those days. I am a procrastinator & it takes me a long time to get ready so I have to get up about 2 hours early so I have time to piddle around. I have been this way since I was a small child & rather than try to change, I will just get up! ;)

I have done something productive this morning, I just started my first load of laundry. I have 3 main goals today: laundry, clean off my table & clean out my closet. I have only 3 because it's probably going to take all I have in me to get those 3 things accomplished! I have diagnosed myself with attention deficit disorder of the brain & I am unable to assign myself huge tasks because of it. I truly get overwhelmed because I have trouble focusing on the little things, I start thinking about every single thing that has to be done, get overwhelmed & accomplish nothing. So I'm starting small, I figure that this is the way to teach myself that I can do it! Anyway, the more I get done, the more I'll want to accomplish so it all works out!

I am excited & nervous about starting school tomorrow. We are doing our obstetric/gynecologic rotation this semester & I can't decide how I feel about it. I love babies & I think delivering babies would be awesome but there are so many things that could go wrong. Perhaps all that just overwhelms me, who knows? I'll definitely keep you posted as things progress. Another one of my goals for this year is to blog more so that I can keep track of the things that I have done! It may be just once a week when the semester is rolling full steam ahead but who knows???

As for cleaning out my closet, it's something that I have to do because I don't want to go buy more hangers...sad, I know. Not only that but there are clothes in there that I haven't worn in over a year. I am keeping one dress & one skirt just in case but the rest of them are gone...well, I say that but I have some summer skirts that I'm keeping since I'm on a weight loss journey this year too. Plus they're really cute & I just bought them & haven't even worn 2 of them yet!!! It would be nice to have a gym membership though because I want to lift weights, especially with my legs but...alas, one must have the money for that & right now, I don't! After graduation, I will so I will just have to settle for walking & doing things on my own.

Ok, I have to have coffee now, my fingers are starting to get a little bulky & I am having trouble getting my thoughts from my brain to my fingers!!! Have a good Monday everyone!!!